Hi Eyesopen, I can only imagine how you are feeling. I feel bad to read your latest post. No wonder your hands are shaking. I have no advice re sitch as I haven't experienced OP in my M. But what I would say is: Pause before you react to what you uncovered yesterday Think about what you say because you can't take it back I know you want to do something, anything But finding her there again changes little, you confirmed your suspicion that's all Now you need to develop a strategy. I doubt she'll react well to finding out, you chkd up on her And she won't hear any of your words after working that out.
I'm sure a vet will be along shortly to help. Just wanted to let you know, you're not alone Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Parking in the garage? Big deal. If I stayed somewhere and they had a garage where I could park my car, I would do it too. That doesn't mean I'm having an affair.
Staying over night at a customer's house? That would be purely bizarre if in fact there was nothing going on.
Bringing the kids over to stay the night at his house this early in the game? Friends - fine. Lovers - wrong on sooo many levels.
Did she admit to an affair when you went to counseling? You said you went, you didn't say if she confirmed it. If she did admit it previously, and she's telling you upfront that she is staying there again and even bringing the kids, then telling her that "you would have to quit your job, cut all contact with OM, and become transparent. We would both have to start IC and MC and commit 100% to each other. I will not settle for anything less" would push her towards D. She's not in the mindset of reconciliation. DB would say, I believe, to let it run it's course, and protect yourself in the meantime.
She parks in there and he leaves his car outside. She told me the first time that they were just friends. She said that she parked in the garage because someone else form work lives close to OM. She has not told me that she has stayed there since. As far as she knows, I am only aware of the first time. And as far as I know the kids have never been to his house.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
A big part of me wants her to know that I know about it. Do I out the A? Once again I could really use some wise advice on this.
The internal strife you face with this question is just about the most paralyzing thing you'll face in this whole situation. Let me ask you the following questions.
1. Once she knows you know, then what, as far as you're concerned?
2. If you were spending the night at another woman's house, and were then confronted the next morning by your wife, would you dare go to the other woman's house again unless you had simply reached a point where you couldn't care less if your wife actually knows?
As in, you wouldn't intentionally shout from the rooftop of the other woman's house, "hey, I'm sleeping here tonight!", but at the same time, you apparently don't care if you get caught a second time (because if you actually cared about hurting your wife the first time, you would never, ever, ever, go back there and chalk it up to a one time mistake.)
In other words, do you think by letting her know that you know she is even at a juncture where she'll care?
3. Could you have spent the time you spent investigating your wife's car yesterday instead forcing yourself to hang out somewhere else, doing your best to have some kind of fun, even though it would have been extremely hard to concentrate?
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
Not exactly sure what I would say. Maybe, W you tell me that you need to be self supporting before anyone can enhance your happiness, but yet there is someone else.
You're trying to "fix" her and make her see things. Talking to her like this won't work, or your original discussions or confrontations about the subject already would have. Kind of like what I'm getting at in question number 2 above.
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
I believe the time and energy that you are putting in that R is what would save our M, save our family. In order for that to happen you would have to quit your job, cut all contact with OM, and become transparent. We would both have to start IC and MC and commit 100% to each other. I will not settle for anything less.
Sounds great..except..you should not volunteer this. She knows this. She's not an idiot. She's just lost her way as WAS's do.
This is not the time to say that. You say that if and when she comes to a point where she sincerely initiates working things out. You'd notice a difference in her if she was sincerely trying to.
But I think saying this will fall on deaf ears now. It's basically an ultimatum, that you aren't on solid enough footing with yourself right now to issue.
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
She parks in there and he leaves his car outside. She told me the first time that they were just friends. She said that she parked in the garage because someone else form work lives close to OM. She has not told me that she has stayed there since. As far as she knows, I am only aware of the first time. And as far as I know the kids have never been to his house
I'm on your side here eyes. I didn't want my last response to you to come across so harsh, but I really feel for your situation and that's how I saw it.
I hate to see you feeling like garbage everyday and spending none of this time, the gift of time that CADET rightly calls it, being spent on making yourself get out and do good things for YOU.
I hate to see you stalking and I'm assuming, peeking in this guy's garage and trespassing?
You've got more important stuff to do man. You know she's up to no good right now. Don't go down her road, or this guy's road more accurately. Go shoot pool, go to the movies, call a friend up and have a beer, call a distant buddy up and go have a beer out of town, go to someplace respectable you'd never have considered going before, go work out even more, anything really. Whatever you like to do, or used to like to do, or might like to do.
This is a paralyzing time right now. Feels like there's a knife in your back and a sinking feeling in your gut. But you'll get through it. Keep yourself independently busy.
I wish you well.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
eyesopen, you have reached a critical point. I fully understand what you are going through now. I have been there in April and know the trembling hands. My first advice would be: try to stay as calm and detached as possible, don't let any anger spiral out of control. What will happen now depends on your "compass". The majority of people think that a divorce is the only proper response to infidelity. I would have said so, too, before I married and the children were born. But now I think differently. It is not only the relationship with my wife which is at stake but the whole family. I want to do all I can to save the family. It has higher importance than what any single member is doing. It's a decision you'll have to reach yourself. Nobody will blame you if you file for divorce. If you decide to fight for your M be prepared to be all alone. People will ridicule you as being a "doormat", probably only very few friends will support you. In my view it's the much tougher route. All the best, whichever way you'll choose.
I am smiling as I type. In the back of my mind I knew what you would say. The only thing I see that might come out of it, if it is out, is that I could show her that it doesn't affect me. But I realize the only person I need to show anything to right now is myself. Don't worry about coming off as harsh. Deep down I know what the right play is here, just need a kick in the butt sometimes. Thank you
And I do stay extremely busy. Been rock climbing alot, working on my house, and trying to be a great dad. Thanks for the pool idea. There has been a few nights where I didn't have much to do, and I am not big on just sitting at a bar. Too much drama.
Honestly, no sinking feeling in the gut, but it does feel like there is a knife sticking out of my back. Thanks again!
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Boy am I glad I didn't say anything about OM. W came over to get the kids this morning and she stayed for about 45 min. I did my best to stay busy, and all in all it went well. After she left she called to tell me she was going to take the kids up north to her parents for a day or two. Towards the end of the call she started to get emotional, I politely asked if everything was ok. She said yes, I said all right have fun with the kids and ended the conversation.
Now I know that I am not detatched enough to actually confront her about OM, but it is obvious that she is struggling pretty heavy with this.
Anyway I am off to go do some rock climbing, may not have many more chances this year to get outside and climb.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Had a great time climbing today. Going through this has been great for me as far as climbing goes. I seem to have a lot less fear when I am on the rock.
What stinks is that when we got in the car to go home my head instantly started spinning with thoughts of my sitch. But I guess that is the way that it will go. Time heals all wounds. I think my best bet is to turn the lights down a little more.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
So I slept well last night, but when I woke my mind instantly goes back to the latest developement in my sitch. All I can think about is confronting her and trying to get the truth out. I think about the saying "the truth will set you free." Is that for me, or for her. Not sure how to get past this part. I feel like I was doing so well until this came up. Where to go from here?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
