Back to Square One?

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, AS, for your encouragement. I've reread your last post to me several times and it really does help me to see the bigger picture and hang in there. I felt really low at some point earlier this morning and remembered that these changes are for me and that it is a long journey.

As MKB said on your thread, I do find weekends the hardest. It's when H's silly excuses for being out are the most obvious. When I can't sleep, I start obsessing about all the lies he's told me in the 22+ years we've known each other.

I think he's starting to notice some 180s. I didn't hassle him about getting S13 to swimming on time yesterday morning (something I've pbly done for the last 10 years) and he then asked me what time he normally leaves for swimming! I replied casually that I wasn't quite sure.

He also apologised for being in his boxers the other day and thanked me for not getting on his case about it. He got it a bit wrong because I never get on his case when it's just the two of us in the house. I get uptight when carers are here for S13 because I think it makes them feel as if they're intruding.

I usually leave my bath water for him but since he slept in late, I drained the bath. He looked a bit upset when he saw it was drained and then didn't bother having a bath. He knows that I usually encourage him to have more baths than he wants to and so it's been in my interest to leave my bath water for him. He claims it's because I'm so uptight that I harp on about cleanliness all the time. I'm just going to let that one drop--esp if there is another OW in the picture! I'm also not going to comment on whether or not he should shave.

Every now and again he asks me if I'm ok. He knows something is up. I sometimes wonder what I would say if he really pushed the question. I'd be tempted to describe what I'm doing but that probably isn't wise. I do know that I'd love to say something sarcastic when he makes up one of his excuses about being out. That wouldn't help either. Finally, I'm dying to point out that he smells of alcohol every single day and that I'm not a complete mug.

H tried to engage me on the topic of S17 this morning. I did bring him up to date and H says he wants to have a man to man talk with him about universities etc.. S17 is focused on taking a gap year next year and doesn't seem to realise that his future won't somehow get solved in a gap year. Anyway, I'll believe that H will talk to him when he does. He rarely follows through so I doubt this one will happen.

He's gone now (supposedly to the farmers' market) so I probably won't see him until we go out for our regular Sunday evening meal. He goes to Belgium on Wednesday so only a few more days before I can relax a bit. A week ago today I was still in Canada. It was so much easier to feel detached all those miles away. When he's at home, he's on his laptop for hours. I can see the reflection of his screen in the window when I go downstairs past his study to the kitchen. I can see that he closes his window so that I would only see his desktop if I bothered to go right into his study (which I don't).

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.