OK I need to update how my D talk went last night.
Here's a rough play by play from how it went... (I'm referred to as B and my wife is W)
B: I've been thinking about how to tell you this and just wanted to be honest and open with you.
W: OK?
B: After we last talked about our R when you asked for a trial separation, it changed everything for me. I've been to see a solicitor and I am about to file for divorce.
W: OK, that's fine
B: Oh, OK well...
W: Did you not expect me to react like that?
B: To be honest I really didn't know how you would react, but if you are OK with it, this will make things a lot easier.
W: I can uderstand why you want to. What grounds are you going to file under?
B: I was going to file under the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
W: So you are going to say that this was all my fault and that I was the only one who broke this marriage down.
B: I know exactly what are joint failings have been in this marriage, but this is just a process and some grounds have to be put down and to be fair a marriage has problems, but a marriage is between 2 people not 3. So yes your behaviour is unreasonable.
W: That record will say that it is my fault.
B: The record is not important, as I said it is just a process. The important things we need to talk about are the children and the house.
W: They are the most important things. What do you want?
B: Ideally I would like shared residency of the children. We can do it so you have the children 4 nights a week and I would have them 3 nights a week, splitting the weekends.
W: OK, would you let me phone them every night (crying)
B: Of course I would let them call you every night when they are with me. I would want them to do that at either house.
W: What about the house?
B: OK, do you want to stay in the house?
W: Yes, I would like to stay in the house, so the children aren't messed around.
B: I think that would be good for the children if they didn't have to leave this home. There are a few ways we can do this.
W: How do you mean?
B: I would want my name taken off the mortgage and bought out with a share of the equity so I could put a deposit down on a house.
W: The bank might not agree to that.
B: I think if you speak to your parents / brother and the bank, you should be able to sort something out with maybe someone being a guarantor.
W: OK
The rest of the conversation was just a kind of understanding for each other about what we had been through together & sorry Cutter we did hug (((hugs))) , but I think it was appropriate because we are going to work together sorting this out and we both still care for each other very much.
I told my W that I would get all of the paperwork in order & show her what I was going to request in terms of settlement & residency for the children before I filed so that this process is not slowed down.
We pretty much agreed on what we are going to do last night & we are going to get the house valued & my W is going to speak to her family & the bank over the next 2 weeks.
Let me cath my breath......
I didn't threaten my W with divorce because I wanted her to change her mind. I genuinely am done and I just have this overwhelming sense of relief right now.
If you think I handled that conversation badly (It is what it is - no bitterness intended), then it wouldn't have been me saying what I said.
I feel like I have been open and fair to my W, as I could have just filed and passed her the papers over breakfast. I didn't want to do that, I'm better than that and she doesn't deserve that.
We all make our own choices in life and we have to stand by them.
I can reflect on my sitch properly now and I will know how to not make the same mistakes again.
My kids will be my priority through all of this, they come first, now and always.
This isn't another divorce busted, but it is another journey that I couldn't have navigated without some great help from some wonderful people on here.
Chatterbug, Denver, Bond, Adinva, Yankee Candle and Arsene, you guys have been my regular counsel and I really appreciate the help and advice you have all given me on here.
I'm not going to disappear from these boards, I like it here and enjoy our conversations.
Right I'd better get back to my Sunday, appologies for the long post.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
, but I think it was appropriate because we are going to work together sorting this out and we both still care for each other very much.