About to separate....

[dorightman]

I think one of my biggest challenges is to be able to react this way when I feel attacked

[Denver_2010]

I think one of my biggest challenges is to be able to react this way when I feel attacked

That was tough for me too. It helps to remind yourself of the harm that you are causing whenever you react poorly. You are taking two steps back every time. Create a mental image that flashes in your head reminding you of that.

Also, always be deliberate when you respond to anything that is said. That means that you take at least 10 seconds to respond. If you find yourself angry, remove yourself from the conversation (politely) and come back to it when you are composed.

Once I got this down, I found extremely rewarding to be the one who approached things rationally. I felt that, for the most part, I took the high road during my W and I's S. It felt REALLY good to be the one who was "in the right" so to speak.

[MrBond]

"I think one of my biggest challenges is to be able to react this way when I feel attacked"

Then you know what to change. Just take the point that it's not personal.

[dorightman]

Tonight I got a backhanded compliment from my wife before she went to bed. She said "this was the first week you haven't been an a-hole". I've been giving her space this week and not pressuring her for anything at all and I've been treating her like a queen, cooking amazing meals for her, complimenting her, doing all the house work, really trying to love her unconditionally. It's comments like that that make me feel like she really hates me and makes me question whether I have any hope at all of reconciliation.

[MrBond]

Then you should have surprised her by saying "thanks". Of course you could add, "sorry I can't say the same for you". LOL

[dorightman]

Major Backslide. After having lunch with my very recently divorced friend, he told me to deal with reality, which is that I'am living separate with my w in our house and that I need to move out and GAL. He also said I should get a mediator and split the money now, not pay her bills anymore, let her get a dose of reality of what she's asking for. He said if I don't, I'll have to deal with her dating other men etc. I had this conversation with her on the phone last night and regressed back to all the old stuff, I don't deserve this, I'm a good man, I love you, you're making the wrong decision, blah,blah,blah.... I'am a wreck. I don't know how I'm going to recover from this, I feel like it's really over now. I don't know what to do, I'm emotional and I'm angry and sad and feel very low right now. I can't for the life of me understand how she can hold onto so much anger and resentment from the past, I feel like she's projecting some other issues onto me that I have nothing to do with. It is beyond me that she would rather run,break up our family with two young innocent kids and everything we worked for in our lives instead of fighting for what we have and trying to work through our problems. Our problems are textbook stuff. I feel lost...

[dorightman]

So, the next day I was home with the w. She didn't want to talk about the M. We both did our separate stuff, then had dinner together as a family. She was friendly to me, but I noticed that when she said my name, it sounded like she was talking to her ex. Something about the tone and inflection of her voice when she said my name really put me off. Went to bed and woke up this morning 5:45am. She was up and went to the gym to work out before she had to go to work. I woke up and got emotional from being triggered the day before. I cried for an hour and wrote down all my thoughts on pieces of paper to give her when she got home. She came home, saw my face with tears and said, " I can't do this right now, I threw the papers at her and said"read these!. She went up to the bedroom to take a shower, I followed her up and said I want to see you read them. She read them , threw them in the garbage and said she couldn't do this right now because she had to get the kids ready for school. I lost it and yelled at her,"Make a decision, either tell me you want out and you want a D, or tell me you want to work on our problems together . She was crying and she said OK, I want out!. I lost it and threw my coffee cup down at the floor and it broke in a million pieces. Then I threw my glasses at the wall. She was freaked out and was scared of me. I felt bad and tried to console her but she said don't touch me. I said ok, I'm done and went to another room to cry some more. She
took a shower and woke up the kids and pretended everything was all right. Then she went to work and said she didn't know when she would be back. I called some friends and they told me that I acted normal for somebody in my sitch and not to feel bad. I called my therapist and went to see him a few hours later. After I told him the story, he said try not to get angry in front of W again, but he said it was ok to feel the way I feel. I know I have broke all the DB rules again, and I'm not sure if my W will start a D now or move out as a reaction to this. I hope neither, I hope that time will heal this and I can continue to DB. I feel like I might need to get out of the house for my own good. The in house separation thing is really difficult because I see the W too often and she's mean to me and pushes all the sensitive buttons. Any or all advice much appreciated!

[MrBond]

Well needless to say you f'd up pretty badly. Never ever lose your temper. Did you honestly read DB? Demanding an ultimatum ... writing out your feelings and demanding she read them, etc. All total bad moves.

If the roles were reversed and she did that to you, would you want to be married to her?

You have to learn control.

Go and give her a heartfelt apology. Tell her that she doesn't need to accept it, but you want to say how sorry you were for freaking out.

[MKB23]

Agreed. At the least she needs an apology. Tell her you are sorry and you do not like her decision but will honor it and do your best to keep it amicable. Then DB your butt off! Leave her alone. If she stays then in a couple of days of not pursuing her you can talk to her about possibly working out something so that you can both stay there. The more she sees you GAL the better. Just DONT melt down again. If you have to avoid her for a few days so you can get yourself together.

[dorightman]

Thanks guys, I can't believe I did that. I promised her I wouldn't act like that again, but I got triggered and the full moon! The problem is that I've been cycling through this pattern of being able to control myself for a few days and then losing my control after the calm. She doesn't believe I can keep it together. I will try again and hope she doesn't do anything drastic!