Letting people live their lives and GALing...

[AntoniaB]

Well unfortunately my connections with publishing only work for writing literary criticism/academic essays, not personal memoir!!! So I have no clue/angle on how to get these pieces published. But it may actually be cathartic for some to just write this stuff out--either here or on personal journals. I didn't journal for about 20 years and restarted with bomb drop, and I've found it really helpful. In fact I'm starting to encourage tons of people around me to write/journal. There are poets in all of us, really...

So I've made some personal decisions, lately...I'm just going to lay low and stop the whole trying to date thing. I think I'm going to really try to embrace being "alone" (knowing that with friends I'm never truly alone, of course) and try to get at my own root issues. I know that I have dealt with anxiety problems and perfectionism my entire life, and this is bigger than my marriage as it goes all the way back to when I was a kid. Being in a relationship for me often makes me less anxious because the endorphins of a relationship distract me from being self-critical and anxious. But that's a crutch, and maybe I have no business being in a relationship as long as I'm using it on some level as an escape hatch.

I've got some health issues going on now that need dealing with that I've not handled for years, and I'm thinking now is the time to face all of it. Alone. Not wait till some man can be in my life and help me. But do it alone.

So I'm just not looking anymore for a partner. I'm not going to be antisocial and will hang out with my girlfriends, but I'm not going to allow myself to be driven by some quest to be with someone. It will hurt. I know it. Being alone for 2 years and then with someone for 6 months only to lose it has hurt, a lot. But I swear I will rise above this. I have to summon the fighter side of me and just face the reality that I have to take care of myself and not rely on someone else to care for me.

There are many times I've felt very strongly that I will not have a relationship again that is lasting. This is painful. But I do have a ton of platonic relationships, and I think perhaps I should be focusing on the fact that these come very easily to me and they are fruitful and positive, and maybe my role in life is to be a platonic friend to people. It's not what I want but maybe it is what I am meant for.