Ok thank you. I thought I was taking care of myself but I guess I'm not doing a good enough job. So my attitude has to be he's gone and there's nothing I can do about it? My sisters and my few friends I still have think I should ask him to move out but I'm scared to do that - fear that it pushes him further into OW and fear that he will then take my daughter and introduce her to OW which I cannot allow happen, my daughter cannot handle that. The fear of not knowing what D and H are doing when they are by themselves. But on the other hand maybe its the reality check he needs. When I went away before, we always stayed in touch so he knew where I was and I knew what he and D were doing. And right now, I don't even know where he is.
I think that you can not be in a relationship with him while he is in a relationship with someone else.
You need to stop fearing that you will lose him.
NEWSFLASH - You already did lose him.
So stop holding on to him. Stop meeting his needs. You can ask him to move out but have no EXPECTATIONS that he will or won't.
If you study infidelity you will find out that pushing him closer to the OW is exactly what you should do. It is more likely to break up their relationship by pushing them closer together. This is the case where you lose the battle to win the war.
As far as controlling what he does when he is with the OW, that is not going to be within YOUR control. You need to work on your fear.
I know that I cannot control what he does with OW but my fear is him introducing our daughter to her. She is only 5 years old and is confused enough. He just doesn't seem to be thinking clearly at all (neither did I) but not even about her welfare or safety.
So I have to protect her but I don't know what the best way to do that when it comes to her father. Not sure if putting him out of the house is best for her or me. He's already gone mentally and emotionally and right now physically as well. Maybe I will see how the full week goes without him and I won't contact him while he is away.
I don't know how to keep my mind busy and not think about him when I am by myself and right now I'm by myself a lot.
I have decided to ask H to move out. After last nights anxiety attack and talking with friends I think it is the only way for me to focus on myself and my daughter to get better. Has anyone been in a situation where they have had to ask to WAS/MLCer to move out or is this a bad decision when I still do want my marriage to work? I'm not giving up but letting him go for me and my daughter. He's not home now but will be home tomorrow night (I think) and on monday night he leaves to go away for work til friday. I was thinking of telling him before he leaves so while he is away (and also away from OW) it will give him time to think about things.
I have no idea whether or not he will even go and I can't force him to but in my heart I think it is the right thing to do.
Any advice on what I should say or how I should say it? Thanks so much.
I have decided to ask H to move out. After last nights anxiety attack and talking with friends I think it is the only way for me to focus on myself and my daughter to get better. Has anyone been in a situation where they have had to ask to WAS/MLCer to move out or is this a bad decision when I still do want my marriage to work? I'm not giving up but letting him go for me and my daughter. He's not home now but will be home tomorrow night (I think) and on monday night he leaves to go away for work til friday. I was thinking of telling him before he leaves so while he is away (and also away from OW) it will give him time to think about things.
I have no idea whether or not he will even go and I can't force him to but in my heart I think it is the right thing to do.
Any advice on what I should say or how I should say it? Thanks so much.
FMH, Just read your sich. Sorry of you finding yourself hear. Sounds as if you have a pretty good ic and you are receiving great advice from Cadet and Anotherstander. Read as much as you can, spend as much time with your D as possible, and above all stay strong. It's no walk in the park, but it will be worth it in the end, for at least you and your D.
Thanks afa. What does IC stand for? I'm still confused. About asking him to move out, or more so when I should ask him to move out. Not sure if I should ask him before he goes away for work or wait until he gets back. Either way, he's gone for a week, away from OW and away from me and D so not sure if telling him before he goes away would accomplish anything altho it might make him think more (and be able to think more clearly since he's away from OW) but whether or not he does do that I have no idea because I don't have a clue what's going on in his head.
IC = individual counseling. There's a handy abbreviation list above in the newcomers section. I hand to print it out to begin to understand the slang around here. I'm unsure of the nest time for you to approach H with moving out, however I can offer 2 bits of info 1. Do your best not to say or so anything hastily, out of anger or fear. 2. Be prepared for H to say no, when you ask him to leave. My WAW has refused to leave thus far. I can say though, that she has learned that I will not be a total doormat in the sense that she has begged me to stop telling her to leave. I've only said it a few times here and there when she has brought up R talks. So I guess a 3. Find and implement some safe non pursuing boundaries for yourself. It's hard at first, but with support here you find your way. Hang in there for you and your D.
