I wanted to post this just because it is late and I really have no one else to tell at the moment. I would love to tell H but that is out of the question for the obvious reason and I have no idea how to even say it. I know I have finally figured out at least part of what is going on with my H.
I was reading some of the MLC threads. I am confident that is what is going on. We (H and I) have gone back and forth over his feelings about his parents for some time now. As I said earlier, he has severe depression. I have known all along that it had to do with his parents. Basically they D when he was 13 and at that time he went to live with his aunt. I knew all of this obviously. His aunt died a year ago. Not sure if I said that before. Anyway, so there were conversations between us about this and his feelings. Although in truth he never really shared his feelings. It always seemed to just come out as anger. We have been dealing with this for several years now. He has had several periods where he will ignore and not speak with both his mother and father. At one point about 2 months ago, I was so frustrated with him and the depression. Seriously, it was constant stress and there was a real fear that he was going to commit suicide. I told him that at some point he needs to let that anger go so he can go on with his life. I also said something to the effect of at least it wasn't like you were in physical danger or something similar.I just was trying to say anything that might help him move on. I wasn't really listening to how he feels so much. I really can't remember the exact words. Anyway, later when everything started to blow up he kept saying I didn't listen to him and I don't hear what he is actually saying. I think because I take everything literally much of the time but what I wasn't hearing was him saying that he felt abandoned. Really. And has for all this time. What I heard was colored by my own experiences and I would have been happy to just be assured of my physical safety. I never once thought of how he must have felt to just be abandoned. Now his one person that took him in and made him feel at home is dead too. I am just beside myself thinking of how I completely discounted his feelings. He came to me and tried to tell me but I wasn't listening with my heart. As soon as I thought of this, I really know deep inside myself that this is what is going on. That moment of selfishness and just being clueless is what has triggered all of this. He came to me several times after that, always he has been unable to articulate his feelings or maybe just was ashamed or embarrassed but each time I reacted similarly. He keeps saying he feels nothing any more and while i know that is not true he has also said he cannot have a relationship with me that exposes him any more and I am sure that IS the truth. How would anyone feel that put that out there and then got completely disregarded by the one person that was supposed to support you? I just hate myself at the moment. I should have known this and seen it coming. Somehow, I didn't. It wasn't even until I was reading about abandonment issues for other reasons that it all really clicked for me. I can't say that I blame him for how he feels about me at this moment. I also can't say I would blame him for getting a D. That is huge Or it would be for me. I know I need to apologize and acknowledge all of this to him but I do not have a clue how I should go about it.
