What should I do? Which technique to use?

[jzoom]

We talked earlier and for the most part I listened. I listened to all the things she had to say about what I've done wrong in our relationship. She interrupted me when I did try to speak and I just let her, I would just stop talking and let her go. I acknowledged the things she had to say and agreed with many of her complaints; I was taking responsibility for the things I've done wrong. I wasn't asking her for another chance, I wasn't asking her what I could do to make things right, I just listened and on a couple of things explained because she seemed to want a real answer. If she cut me off or changed the subject I let her. One time I could hear my voice rising and my tone changing and quickly stopped, looked down, took a deep breath, and started over in a softer tone and stayed calm.

I believe that my actions softened her a little. Her tone got less hostile as we went. Her body language changed by her uncrossing her arms and she stopped glaring at me. At one point, as she was telling me how I hurt her she looked like she was going to cry.

I tried explaining that while my behavior has been very bad, that I've been lashing out and acting childish, it's been because I'm hurt and scared myself. I told her that I'm scared that I've lost her already and that if I haven't that it's right on the edge.

She finally said it though, that she is not in love with me. She cares about me but her heart isn't in the same place it was a couple of months ago. She doesn't know if there is enough "care" left to get us back to where we were. I stayed quite and nodded my understanding.

I was devastated but ultimately not surprised. She wouldn't come out and say that I've lost her. After she said she wasn't in love with me she said started saying that she "doesn't know right now" and just needs a break. I said, "it sounds like you're confused because you said you don't love me and then said you don't know".

I sat thinking for a little bit without speaking or looking at her. I realized that if I have any hope at all I would have to begin LRT. I told her that I didn't want to keep her at the house, that if she could still go stay with her dad that she should. I told her that if she doesn't want to be here she doesn't want to be here and I understand that. She asked if she could use the car and I said yes. She started telling me that she would be back tomorrow night with the kids and I waved it off, told her to take her time. She insisted that she will be back tomorrow night and doesn't want the kids to know what's going on because we don't know what's going on. I agreed and then she asked if she could take a shower without me following her and I agreed. While upstairs taking the shower she asked me to get her a couple of things and I begrudgingly did.

I quickly got myself ready to go out for a little while, I wanted to leave before she did. I yelled up the stairs, "goodnight" and she asked why I was yelling. As I headed to the door I said that I thought she was still up in the room. I could see her feet on the stairs and she asked where I was going. I answered (and it probably wasn't the best tone of voice because it was stern on the verge of angry), "I'm leaving" and quickly went out the door and shut it before she could see me.

That's it, that was the night. I went and had a cup of coffee and read. I'm probably going to cry myself to sleep tonight. I'm ashamed of how I've treated her and I told her that I'm ashamed of myself. My plan is to go full out LRT tomorrow. I'll take care of myself during the day and when they get home tomorrow night I'm going to do all I can to be upbeat. I'm shooting for the "awakening". I'm going to focus on being her friend and getting back to being friends with the kids. I won't begrudgingly do favors for her if she asks, I'll do them with enthusiasm as a good friend would. I won't be asking her any questions about her day or her whereabouts. I had already re-read the techniques in DR and I'm going to re-read LRT again tomorrow.

She doesn't have anywhere to move right now. She said that she just needs a break. She said she doesn't know what she wants right now. So I'm taking the gift of time to make changes and I'm going to work on doing 180's to the things she told me hurt her in our relationship.