I completely agree with you. I appreciate the validation and sharing of thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if Im half whacked in the head when I come to these big moments where all those pieces come together.
I guess what's kind of odd is that I didn't realize how much healing and growing I was actually doing, as I went through the pain of him leaving me and then the divorce.
At one time I was angry and felt petty....but I think it was more about how he was treating me more than anything. It was not enough No Contact and feeling like a fresh wound constantly being poked.
A couple weeks ago XH had D9 at home with him up until leaving for work. At that time he was to bring D9 to me at work, APPX 12:30ish and she would stay in our Van until I was finished with my shift.
XH sent a text to me saying " Should I drop her off at the front entrance? about 12:20pm.
I replied "yes drop her off at the front entrance"
This was Appx at 12:30 p.m.
D9 said that about that same time XH's phone went off in front of OW.
OW asks who it was.
XH says " Oh it's HER AGAIN....JUST SAYING HI!".
No it was me telling him where to drop D9 off!
Xh still continues to talk more freely and even appears more caring and compassionate when OW is not around. I swear he makes a POINT OF IT.
Yet when that OW is around, he's aloof, non responsive, and just down right RUDE.
Ok here I go again....having expectations of a man that's 42 years old, but acting like a little 14 year old just learning to play the field. Oh he must be having a hay day making up stories about me to OW and possibly other friends and family. My hunch is he's trying to keep it secret that he even converses with me about our children to anyone!
D9 has missed alot of school lately, and he's been taking care of her. XH has always kept BIL informed about the kids and what's going on, because BIL or SIL always end up mentioning things statintg XH told them. Yet what was odd, XH hasn't said a thing to BIL or SIL. XH and BIL work together so they have plenty of time to keep eachother informed on things.
Is this normal for an MLCer to play faces? Be a different person to other people? Is he just mining for narcissistic supply? Make me look like some heartbroken fool that is stalking him to his OW? While when he can remember to act like a caring and concerned father when it's safe and he's away from OW towards me? Yet not even bother to talk to BIL about kids, because it might prove he's TALKING TO ME???
Oh hell MLC or not, that's what he's doing!
Yep, just sit back and watch the show! It's entertaining!
Just pop up some popcorn and watch the comedy. Yes, it's very normal for them to wear different masks w/different people.
They do love the drama and he loves to make the ow angry to see just how much she cares about him. The lies they tell to cover their tracks are quite sad. They love playing the victim and w/you calling, he wanted the ow to think that you drive him crazy w/calls.
He's acting like a 14 yr old...Don't drink the kool-aid! He knows that your daughter will tell you what he's doing and saying...don't buy into the drama and you are allowing him too much space in your head...rent free! Shut the door and accept him for who he is right now...14 yrs old. No expectations where this man/child is concerned. You can't rely on him to be honest w/anyone at this point in time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok Snodderly, yep i allow him time in my head rent free. I admit this. But it also helps me see him for what he TRULY IS right now.
So my first question is why would he even say this knowing it could get back to me, yet purposely turn around and play faces?
But then I realize more than likely by the time he's playing good face with me, he's forgotten the mean face he put on to OW about me infront of D9.....LOL!!!
Then if I even bothered to bring it up with him in the first place, well he could deny it , and then have that much justification for why he left me in the first place! Then go belly aching to OW about how I purposely pick fights with him.
So as I look at that objetively, if I chose to react to these things he does and confront him, then he's set a steel trap for me either way. He's got OW snowed into thinking Im seriously emotionally distubed and stalking him, yet would deny it to my till the cows come home and turn every word I speak to him around to make it look like all my fault, and I've caused him tremendous pain!
I just realized something. I have expectations of this man alright, I do! I expect him to act like nothing but a manipulative Borderline Personality!! That's all!
It's when he starts acting SANE that I get scared, and always have.
Kimmerz, Your xh knows you very well. He also knows what he can use as bait to set the trap called "reaction" from you. Right now, he knows that you've not been reacting the way that he thinks you should. So, what better way to get a reaction, i.e., good or bad, from you than by saying what he did in front of your child.
The ow is there to support him and evidently, like most of the mlcers, he's not being honest w/her either. He's trying to portray himself as the victim and that you are constantly on his case. When he cries on her shoulder, she's consoling him about whatever is wrong at that time. Most op don't have a clue what is actually going on until much later on. The mlcer will eventually show their true colors to them as well and vice versa. It all takes time to play out.
Don't bring this up to him or he will know that he can then rely on your child to carry each and every "message" back to you. The less said, the better. Trust me, if you don't react, he will find another type of bait to get you to react. Don't take the bait, no matter what!
I understand exactly what you are saying about when they are sane...you get scared.
You are the mature adult here...don't drink the kool-aid. It is tainted w/lies, control and manipulation. Silence is golden in such instances.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Im finally seeing how NO REACTION is the BEST reaction!!!If it will get under their skin, then all the better. Thank for for that pearl of wisdom for now I can look back and see how some things that he's done could actually be an attempt for a reaction or a "see there" kind of attitude towards me.
Yes it's all tainted with lies, control and manipulation! It still baffles me as to how and why people do this to others. It happens everywhere, just not MLC! But at the same time I am SO GLAD that I HAVE to learn this, because I AM NOT THIS. I will NEVER be this.
Now I see why some LBS have to jump back and forth into denial! I mean who wants to admit this insanity is going on? But on the other hand once you get some good healing and acceptance under your belt....well hells bells, it's just too damn funny not to watch this!
On another interesting note...ater XH shutting out his paternal side of the family for one year, he recently contacted his aunt. He inquired as to why "my ex wife and my kids were invited to the last 2 family reunions, but I didn't get an invite. Is the family disowning me?" . His aunt responded that he shut his face book down, didn't let anyone know his address, email, phone numbers, etc after the family tried to contact him, so as far as they were concerned, he dumped them, not the other way around.
No reply from XH back to Aunt. She said she felt he was having a pity party and looking for sorrow. The paternal family is so upset, disappointed, and hurt by his actions to us and that family as well. He really burnt bridges with them, and that makes me so sad. It's not just what he did with us, it's things in the past that they really noticed about him. But it utimately was HIM that did these things.
Kimmerz, I'm glad his Aunt told him like it was. I'm sure he didn't provide a response back because he knew she was telling him the truth.
There are a lot of people out there that do things for a reaction and that's why it's very important to sit on things for a while before responding/reacting. I had to learn this when I was on the path. There are a lot of twisted people out there and it's sad, especially more so for the lbs when they are looking for support and healing.
It's interesting that he shut the paternal side of the family out. My xh did the exact same thing. I've remained on friendly terms w/them and they are very heartbroken about the behavior, but like you said...he did this to himself, just as your xh did.
Find the humor in the situation and go from there. Humor is what saved me in the long run. You can't make this stuff up and it's fodder for a really good book or movie, if you ask me.
Please take care of yourself and your daughters.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
At one time I was angry and felt petty....but I think it was more about how he was treating me more than anything. It was not enough No Contact and feeling like a fresh wound constantly being poked.
YES! That's it exactly. It's one thing to go through this, but quite another to be poked constantly like that, isn't it? Makes you wonder, "why did you leave if you want to keep in contact!?!??" right? Just part of it though...
As for why hide it or throw it into OW face? Another reason might be shame. Why tell the OW you are being hounded? Because it makes you look like the victim. You garner sympathy from a motherly figure.
Going NC helps with that, because it keeps them from having anything other than silence to use against you. Can you see that at this point? It was one of those 'ah-hah' moments for me when I saw that. It continues for a very long time, especially if you have kids together. But silence is golden and they are left to make something up or wonder...just like a LBS was. So you know it by that reference.
Try not to guess why. Just deal with what is before you and let the rest go. There are patterns, but they can't really be seen until much much later.
It is humorous, but the longer you watch and wonder, the more you give them head space. The longer you do that, the longer you protract your own insanity over the puzzle.
As a friend once told me, "I like a good puzzle. But some things I know I just cannot solve."
Be well!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Absolutely AJ. It still baffles me as to why someone would treat their spouse on the verge of harassment if they were the ones that wanted out in the first place. It really is like pouring salt on open wounds.
I find that Im going through some grieving at times. I feel like Im doing well for the most part. But inbetween the MLC antics of XH, I still grieve in spurts I guess you could say.
Last night my girls left to stay with him and I cried all night. I also watched Fireproof, a movie I've wanted to see for a long time but never get quiet time to see. If anyone hasn't seen it I highly recommend it! I swear it could've been the script between XH and myself as so many other people. It really pressed a button on me because that is so much what my dream was.... to hve a reconcillation as they did. Not the drama of it all, but really learning what real love is, understanding how to apply that to your marrige, and recommitting.
But onward I go. I can never see that happening. He's too far gone.
