Making it work, for me

[MrBond]

If you "expect" him to react to the letter you're going to be disappointed. Right now things are on his timeline so you're going to have to decide what you want to do.

Honestly, you're supposed to be living your life anyway. This "ultimatum" of yours won't do anything but speed up the D so you might as well file yourself.

[sweetbabyred]

I just found his "friend" posted a pic of him and her together on Fb, with the caption best boyfriend ever. I am so pissed right now! Trying to not have a major freak out, but I am so annoyed.

[longrun]

It just creates bad feelings looking up the spouse on Facebook or other social media. As long as you respond the way you do you give power to him, you play his game and not your own one. Go your own way, you are strong enough for that.

[sweetbabyred]

The only other time in the past when he's been able to go so long without speaking to me was when he had that OW back in May. So I had a feeling that he was actually dating her and wouldn't tell me, but I didn't know for sure until I saw the picture.

Clearly he's not in his right mind right now because his family is very religious and have to be very disappointed in him for not keeping his commitment. It's sad that his S and nieces and nephews, not to mention our mutual friends and family, will find out this way.

[sweetbabyred]

I just want to know why he couldn't have kept it hidden until we were divorced. I was willing to give him time to figure out what he wanted, as long as he kept up with his financial responsibilities and didn't make it a big deal.

I haven't gotten any payments toward closing costs, and have continued to have to beg for him to pay the cc's. He'll tell me an expense check will be there in a day or so, but I don't get the money until last minute. So he hasn't done anything that he's promised.

If he doesn't want to be with me, I'll be okay, but I need him to be a man and start the process. I don't want to be stuck with his tax bill at the end of the year. I'm going to try to calm down a little, but will most likely cut off the two Amex cards and severely reduce the limit on the Visa.

If he turns off my cell phone, I'll figure something out. I've tried to be as accommodating to him as I could be the past year and a half, but if he's going to publicly have a girlfriend I need to be tougher.

In May his last OW posted a pic of him, and he quickly untagged himself and removed it from his page. It was still visible on hers as her profile pic, but you had to go looking for it to see it. This one was on his page and he "liked" it so he clearly doesn't care anymore.

He may lose all of his other true friends and some of his family over this, so it's sad, but he'll have to live with the consequences. I just hope that I never have a MLC and do something as crazy as this.

[sweetbabyred]

The other day, actually just hours before the latest BD, I was in the local library doing research for a project. I was in the fiction referral section where I noticed, among the bookmarks for thrillers and African American authors, a pamphlet for Lighthouse lit. Someone took the time to create a list of fiction books that prominently feature lighthouses.

My first thought was, why? But now I'm wondering if someone in our group works there and thought we might all need a little reassurance as we try to be lighthouses for our MLC and WAS's.

[sweetbabyred]

Longrun, I agree. He had "liked" the pic, so it popped up on my wall as I was looking up something else. I haven't actually been onto his page in awhile, but now he's defriended me, so I don't have to worry about that.

And I thought it was a cowardly way to tell your friends and family what's going on. What I think is funny is that it's set so all his friends and friends of friends can see it, but the only people who "liked" it are him and his new roomie, who is as desperate to find a new husband as he is to not be alone. So I think everyone else is as shocked as I am. Oh well....

[sweetbabyred]

After the initial shock, I realized that I'm not the first LBS to deal with an H who thinks it's ok to date since they're separated. It lowers my optimism for R when he's clearly ok with showing her off to family and friends, but I'll deal.

I'd been thinking all day today about sending him a text telling him that I knew he never intended to hurt me and that I hoped he'd find happiness. Also, that he was a good man and I hoped he'd realize it one day.

I debated all day over whether to send it and decided I'd wait til later at night if I did, since he always sent his texts late and I didn't want him to get it when he was with OW.

I haven't heard from him since Tues night when we discussed bills, as he didn't respond to the text I sent him when I saw the pic.

But out of the blue, tonight he texted and asked if I'd felt the earthquake. Apparently we had a small one last night, the one night I actually got some sleep.

I didn't and told him so. I then sent the text I'd been thinking about and got the reply. "Thanks sbr, you're a great person. hope you can find someone who will make you happy."

It just made me sad because he seems resigned to the fact that we're completely over. But of course things have just started with OW as a GF vs. EA, so of course he's feeling good about things right now.

I told him that I needed to be happy on my own, whether or not I had anyone else in my life, and he replied that he was sure I would. Would be happy, or would have someone else? Not sure...

H appears so eager for me to move on too, but hasn't filed for D. If he's so ready to be done with us, why hasn't he filed? He's had the papers since May.

I don't want to feel like a back up plan, but if he's not 100% done, I don't want to give up. And I honestly don't see his new R lasting even a month before it goes horribly wrong.

H used to tell me how horrible she was to guys and how high maintenance she was. She may be fun to hang out with, but man, the downside is pretty bad. At one point I saw small burns on his arms that I'm pretty sure came from her cigs. If she'd get that upset when they were just friends, I can't imagine it being better when they're dating.

This is also the same "friend" who left him stranded overnight and I had to pick him up the next morning because he'd been walking for hours and hadn't made it home. That was exactly 4 weeks ago. But he has such a low opinion of himself that he thinks that's what he deserves. It really is sad.

Even if things don't work out between them, I know that doesn't mean he'd want to come back to me, so I need to stop thinking about it. But I just know he's going to get hurt and I can't do anything to stop it. Maybe I need to read that codependent book no more.

[AnotherStander]

sweetbabyred, your posts are all about H. What he's doing, what he's saying, what it all means. You've got to change your focus to you. This is what DB'ing is all about, letting go and detaching, making yourself a stronger, better, more attractive person. You can't figure him out. You can't figure his actions out. It will never make sense to you. I am sure this micro analyzing you're doing is getting communicated to your H even if you don't mean for it to, and he will perceive it as pressure, pressure, pressure. Pressure is just pushing him away. You say you've decided it's over, but honestly I think that's the anger talking. You need to gather your thoughts, center yourself, and decide where you really want to go from here. I hope you didn't send that letter because it sounded very angry and spiteful. If you do decide to let him go, it should be done in a more thoughtful and loving manner than that. Good luck!

[sweetbabyred]

AnotherStander, I know most of my posts are about H. I think a lot of it is me just trying to keep a record of what's going on and not wanting to share it with friends and family who don't really understand what's going on.

After last week's news, I just kept posting so that I could keep myself from going crazy or even drive to one of their houses to knock some sense into them!

And you're right, after I calmed down, I decided that I wasn't truly done. He's grasping for anything resembling happiness and while I don't agree with his methods, I am more sorry for him than I am angry at him.

I was disappointed that he couldn't tell me first. Especially after all the times he'd said they were just friends and that I had no reason to be jealous because they'd never date. And because I'd asked him to let me know when he started dating someone, so that I wouldn't find out about it from someone else.

But yes, I need to live my own life. If his life self destructs, that's going to happen whether I'm watching or not. I need to keep up with school, my new almost part job that starts late next week, and GALing with family and friends.

I did see H for the first time in almost a month, as he dropped by the apt at 7am to give me my coffee mug and let me know that he'd finally returned the library books, so two less things to worry about.

H gave me a brief hug and then went on his way. He didn't look very good, but then again it was 7am and he's not a morning person! I'm not going to read into it.

Now that I think about it, he left a vm yesterday about not having an accident on Saturday (!), but hitting a curb to avoid it and doing more damage than he thought. Our deductible is pretty high so he's decided to not involve the insurance. That probably doesn't have him feeling great.

And it'll probably make it even harder for me to get paid back on the closing costs, but at least he's alive and well. I need to look at the big picture.