First of all, I too have walked the black hole that I'll call the "Bad Lands". For me, I find that when I start questioning everything and everyone, posting the positives really helps me. Have you experimented with that?
For me, it tends to run rampent still with my MIL...but if I can find ONE positive to cling to, I tend to stay out of the Bad Lands much better.
BTW, I liked the suggestion you received by Water, to name the positive place, Zooland.
As for you Ma. Man, I walked that path too when I first found out about Monkey cheating on me, after we'd been married for a year. He'd cheated on me while we were dating with his ex girlfriend and didn't confess until after we'd been married a year. I of course, badgered him into confessing and then treated him the way your Pops is being treated.
The best understanding of the whole situation that I can tell you now, is that I saw his cheating on me as a very personal thing. I didn't look at it objectively and say, "I knew they didn't have closure yet. I DID tell him that I wasn't comfortable with the situation and that I thought we should stop seeing each other so that he could make up his mind about whether he wanted to keep her in his life or not. He told me there was nothing there anymore and that he absolutely wanted to be with me. Therefore I did nothing wrong and this is all about him."
Was I so logical and compassionate with myself?
Nope.
I was convinced that his cheating on me with her was just the ultimate confirmation that I was a horrible person. Absolutly unworthy of love.
So, I punished him for it over and over and over again.
Unfortunately, the only thing that could snap me out of such insanity WAS him leaving me. And me taking Zoloft.
I don't know if the reasons I treated my husband so badly are the same reasons your Mom is doing that to Pops. But if it is the same reason, there is absolutely nothing he can do to atone. She is going to have to learn her own value and believe in her own worth. And gain her own strength.
