Sometimes I've wondered if he's angry with me for keeping my head held high and moving foward with my life. As horribly down and out as I felt and was, I do think I gave the impression to him that I was JUST FINE without him, and was moving forward, period. Im financially better off than he is, keeping my house running, raising the girls, and working full time. He see's this and I think he hates it. I sometimes wonder if he really wanted to ruin me.
I could have just about written that. I felt/feel like mine tried very hard to erradicate me and then replace. That started early and gained a full head of steam along the way. Seriously, I was concerned for my physical safety for a while. Not losing sleep over it, but concerned when she more than once tried to instigate fights between me and OM's. But I see it as them trying to be angry at me. I see it as her trying very hard and when one thing does not work, or the story doesn't "fit" she'll try another. Trying to put me in a bucket so to speak. Labeling.
Then I stop and think, "don't we all do that" to some degree? i.e. "x is crazy, narcissistic, etc"??
When I put the whole picture back together, I realized that what I see on these boards, what my IC originally told me, and what I've felt for a while, is that we are ahead in the grieving, the growing, and the learning. We're seeing them trying to follow, and often falling off of, the trail.
Words are one thing. Actions are also separate. Actually doing something is very different. I can say I'm done. I can say I hate you. But to actually be there and feel that is a much bigger endeavour and takes some work regardless of the side you are on.
I can guess. I think the hatred is a bucket of hatred that needed somewhere to go. We're it.
Will they ever get past that? Nobody knows. But unless and until then, dealing with them is a ridiculous waste of time if we try to be rational with them the same way we would with anyone else. Every time they deal with us, they have to face a little bit of "that time period" and feelings bucket. I cannot think why they would want to do that with an irrational brain; if we are the horrible people they say, then why talk to you? If you are fine and happy without them, then I may have been the one with the problem - why talk to you? Rinse. Repeat.
This is their issue. We can't really influence things in the current time frame. But being nice and respectful toward them has a few benefits: we have a clear conscience, we put things in their world for the future should that happen, and it helps us to detach while we learn to be ourselves without them. I never see a time when I should treat somebody poorly. Always act with compassion even if the act is to defend a boundary.
So what to do? I say learn to be ourselves, learn to be happy without them, grieve the loss, get over the shock and keep stepping forward. Recognize the time you spend that is worthwhile and the time that is just wasted. Can't get it back later, so spend it wisely right?
Let them hate. Let them figure things out. Let them go in peace and we'll do the same - with or without their help and along the way we'll try to protect the kids and work toward the best possible outcome for ourselves and the kids. The MLC'r is on their own as they asked.
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
