My computer was being fixed, so I have been away for a week. Trying to catch up with everyone.
Things are moving along. I am definitely sensing a lot of progress in my detachment from my stich. More at peace, less thoughts of H and OW. Being successful at stopping negative thoughts. Focusing on what is working...
Everything I read when I first came here that made no sense at all is now sinking in. Detachment and working on myself...
My life is moving along, despite all the turmoil around me. I am meeting with my L next week. At this point, the D process is just a formality for me. A process in which my only goal is to do the right thing and protect my kids' interests. I can see it so clearly and I am at peace with it. I don't expect it to be pleasant, but I am ready for it.
Interactions with H are fine. Polite, detached, just fine. And I am not a basket case afterwards. I actually look at him and not like who he has become. The way he has treated me in the last couple of years, I even wonder if I would even consider working on our M with him at he is. I deserve better. Yes, I made a lot of mistakes, but I was willing to fix things.
I do miss the person I married, not this guy. OW can have this person. We would not work out anyways - lol...
My kids are amazing, my friends, my family. I am so lucky. Life has given me soooo much and I am grateful for everything and enjoying it. I will update later on my progress with my goals list. Some progress in some areas and not much in others, but that is ok. I am very much a work in progress and that is ok. So much to do... My list keeps getting longer and I look forward to it. I have the rest of my life to keep working at it, and I will
And the most amazing thing - I am so grateful for this experience.
Yes - when I used to read others here say that I was in shock. Now I get it, but I had to be ready for that. I wasn't before. Time has healed me enough to now get it and I am grateful for that healing. Without this painful experience I would have never embarked in this journey to become a better me. That is worth it all, even when it means that my M is over. Sure, I am still grieving that loss, but like one of my favorite songs says:
"You can't always get what we want. But if you try sometimes, well you might find You get what you need."
And that is where I am at.
I hope everyone here identifies their own daily healing and finds hope and comfort in it. It is happening...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I am in S CA and would love to meet in person. I cant give out my email address here, since it is actually my name. I know some peeps are in touch in the ALT as well. Can I contact u there, perhaps?
Kaffe diem is my "point of contact" on the alt universe, so, track him down??
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
First, I can't remember reading such a beautiful, crazy, honest and wisdom-filled thread in a long time. Respect. Awesome goals. Abuse can be very tricky to define and heal. I wish you nothing but the best. Four years later, I am a whole new woman. Peace, Goldey
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
My computer was being fixed, so I have been away for a week. Trying to catch up with everyone.
Things are moving along. I am definitely sensing a lot of progress in my detachment from my stich. More at peace, less thoughts of H and OW. Being successful at stopping negative thoughts. Focusing on what is working...
Everything I read when I first came here that made no sense at all is now sinking in. Detachment and working on myself...
My life is moving along, despite all the turmoil around me. I am meeting with my L next week. At this point, the D process is just a formality for me. A process in which my only goal is to do the right thing and protect my kids' interests. I can see it so clearly and I am at peace with it. I don't expect it to be pleasant, but I am ready for it.
Interactions with H are fine. Polite, detached, just fine. And I am not a basket case afterwards. I actually look at him and not like who he has become. The way he has treated me in the last couple of years, I even wonder if I would even consider working on our M with him at he is. I deserve better. Yes, I made a lot of mistakes, but I was willing to fix things.
I do miss the person I married, not this guy. OW can have this person. We would not work out anyways - lol...
My kids are amazing, my friends, my family. I am so lucky. Life has given me soooo much and I am grateful for everything and enjoying it. I will update later on my progress with my goals list. Some progress in some areas and not much in others, but that is ok. I am very much a work in progress and that is ok. So much to do... My list keeps getting longer and I look forward to it. I have the rest of my life to keep working at it, and I will
And the most amazing thing - I am so grateful for this experience.
Yes - when I used to read others here say that I was in shock. Now I get it, but I had to be ready for that. I wasn't before. Time has healed me enough to now get it and I am grateful for that healing. Without this painful experience I would have never embarked in this journey to become a better me. That is worth it all, even when it means that my M is over. Sure, I am still grieving that loss, but like one of my favorite songs says:
"You can't always get what we want. But if you try sometimes, well you might find You get what you need."
And that is where I am at.
I hope everyone here identifies their own daily healing and finds hope and comfort in it. It is happening...
I love this ^^^^post. I recall thinking along these lines a few years ago, but realizing how hard that it is to communicate to someone who is reeling in pain and or, trying to navigate in a new life, with a deeply wounded ego.
I often want to ask God, "hey, instead of this nightmare, why not let me learn a Big important LESSON by...oh, by winning the lottery? I promise not to be a jerk.
How about THAT as a test?? How about NOT having me endure this grief inducing ordeal?"
So far, the answer is "this is what you received, make the best of it."
And as you have realized, that is all we can do. Seriously.
You impress me, again. I feel bad for your h...what a rude awakening awaits him down the road.
But hey, NOT your problem...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
School called - D4 not feeling well, need to pick her up. H thinks it's his responsibility to pick her up based on our custody agreement draft. I disagree. We are both interpreting one paragraph differently.
He accuses me again of being a bully and going back on our custody agreement and wanting to take the kids away (he has used those adjectives when we've had misunderstandings before)... He says I am still fighting him, that I have never stopped. Good news - I remained calm.
My mistake is that I still tried to calmly explain my POV. I said I was sorry there was a misunderstanding, sorry he was hurt, etc. He accused me of patronizing him.
I didn't lose my cool at any moment, but the back and forth went on for way too long. I should have ended it from the get go, period. But every time I do so, he accuses me of avoiding issues and ignoring him like I did in our M...
That one is the one that hooks me back in. I KNOW I need to not get sucked in, but I did today. It's the trigger of his accusation that I have not changed... And the name calling and accusations... that also get to me.
I was frustrated after the fact. Now I am journaling about it and letting it go. I know it's not true. I am unloading his anger from my shoulders - taking this burden off now...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I know we are responsible for some of our bad behavior but sometimes its like they are the rapist blaming the woman for wearing a short skirt. They just had to do it.
They couldn't talk to about the issue. They couldn't commit to therapy for a year. They had no choice but to walk out.
THe more you clean up your junk the more you see the junk they have. They have to prove you are evil and crazy to justify their behavior.
You responded normally. Next time you will do even better.
Big hugs
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Brooklyn is right...He put you in a no-win situation to justify his behavior. If you apologize you are patronizing, if you stand up for yourself you are bullying him, if you step out of it, you are ignoring him.
Glad you are able to realize that it is his issue and try to let it go. It is so so hard to not get hooked by this type of interaction.
Hope today is a more peaceful day KG!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
