Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

Another rant, if you will.

My mother.

Ma has been through what many of us here on the BB have...dad was in a long-term A, the M almost ended etc. For Pop's the A was purely sexual in nature (not that I condone that) and an addressing of low self -esteem issues. This was admitted to mom by pops in the course of his trying to tell her he didn't want the M to end and din't want to replace her, she meant the world to him etc (all things many of us here would give our eye teeth to hear ...even to the groveling and begging of forgiveness at our feet with tears running down their face).

To pops they seemingly resolved many of their issues. Lots of R talks occured, concessions made on both sides...mom CHOSE to work the M out. They re-newed their vows in OCT. You would think this to be a happy story, they accomplished what so many of us continuosly struggle to do.

It isn't though.

Mom has decided to talk the talk but NOT walk the walk. She holds her anger to her chest and drinks deeply of it. She sees it as something to be preserved and held holy and woe is pops if he doesn't bow down before it in humble obeisance during his every waking moment.

She says this is owed to her. Owed for all of the heartache and pain she beared during his betrayal and afterwards. Owed for what she continues to go through now because of the memories he has caused her to retain. She equates forgiveness to forgetting...she won't/can't forgive until she forgets. These are her words.

I asked her what pops would have to DO in order for her to forget so that she could then forgive him since that is the order she saw things having to take. She started rattling off a list ( a list which NO one could fulfill in ANYONe's lifetime or imagination). I asked her if he could meet what her requirements were in her list would that TRULY allow her to forget or would she just find more to add to the list? Sadly, she opted for " I'm sure I could find something else to add".

In other words...it ain't ever going to happen. She will never forgive him because she will not allow herelf to forget. She will make him "PAY" for it everytime he strays off the path SHE has chosen for him to trod. SHE was the victim and she won't ALLOW ANYONE to forget it.

Most of this stems from her lack of self esteem...I'm not talking low self-esteem her...she has NONE. I have tried to work with her on this both through words and through my own actions. I see this as the only obstacle in her path actually. If she would just put the focus completely on herself, fixing the problems that she has with herself then the rest will fall into place ( most of us have been there and know that once we apply ourselves to this aspect it all starts looking better).

The focus is on herself alright...the victim part unfortunately

I narrowly diverted an action tonight that would have us all cringing in our DB'ing boots and running to the BB board to post about.

Mom is CONVINCED that pops is already cheating on her...and if he isn't it is only a matter of time. SHe is also convinced that I and H will lie to her and cover for pops when this happens or are doing so now.

Pops took a differnet route to work tonight then his usual one. He also took a shower and shaved before going to work and decided to splash a bit of cologne on. He didn't ml to Mom when she wanted to, the way she wanted to or why she wanted to.

Because of all this he is now CHEATING on her.

SHe wanted me to contact H and have him tell pops to call her on his break. She was going to confront him with his bold-faced lie over the phone. I bullied her into telling me WHY before I relayed the message (some here may lament my bullying I know, but it serves it's purpose), thank goodness!

I talked DB principles to her, I yelled at her, i reasoned with her. I finally got her to promise not to pursue this any further then what was said betwen the two of us. I don't think she'll keep that promise but I should have delayed things enough so they at least won't happen while pops is at work nor on the phone.

I really don't understand this. I have read so many different posts here on the BB where an A was involved and I have yet to see anyone as "out there" as she is...someone who for all intents and purposes is lucky but would rather be consumed by all that poison. I know that everyone deals with this type of sitch in their own way but there does tend to be an underlying theme of WANTINGto forgive so we can enjoy our new M/R to it's fullest...or am I wrong? I had the same thing happen to me as she had, my m was in far more danger of ending even then hers was but I still can't understand the need she has to cling to all that ugliness.

The sad thing is is that I feel sorry for pops. I and others see him trying so hard to please and getting nowhere. He has acknowledged he screwed up to anyone who will listen to him. He has been read the riot act by countless people and does not try to "justify" or self-condone his actions in any way.

I will honestly admit that I don't think I could blame him if he finally decided to leave in the end. My H half expcects him too...says he thinks pops has put up with more humiliation then any grown man ought to.

I have warned mom of this...told her that if she continues as she is she will drive him away or back into someone elses arms again. I have tried to get her to read DR, if for no other reason then to help her understand herself a little bit better and hopefully stop the insanity before it is too late.

Any ideas out there?? Comments?

This is one of those times that Zooland doesn't even look so bad

TTFN,
Zoo