Journalling Nothing at all from H today. I haven't followed up my song txt. I'm annoyed w my Self that I'm back fretting about his silence. I was losing hope & detaching. It was as if I was floating on a calm sea & then he went & scimmed some stones across the surface & caused ripples. I have to look after my needs & the affect him getting his needs met (txtng me) has on me. Txtng really messes w my mind. Do I need a boundary? Choices if he txts again Either not reply Or txt - I don't want to txt, you can call me if you want
I don't think that's about control, it's self protection because I feel like my emotions have been played with.
So lessons learned this wk: I'm not as detached as I thought I want more than 3 word txts Random txts mess w my mind He doesn't know what to do w the ball
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Hey, Tumbling. I know how you feel. Kaffe Diem said it's the "touch and go" behavior, when the WAS contacts you and then dissapears. I think your H still thinks he has you in the palm of his hand. He feels in control. You need to show him you are in control of your life, and will be okay whether he contacts you or not--even if this is not entirely true at times, show it anyway. So next time you have to make a decision on how to reply, ask yourself, what would the strong, independent, detached me do? And then follow through.
Hey Tori, thanks for dropping by. I'm back in detached mode this morning. Thank goodness that ride on the rollercoaster didn't last long. Past occurrences of touch & go would of had me in tears but there have been none, so something's switching in me which has to be a good thing. What will be, will be.
I don't know about him thinking he has me in the palm of his hand. I don't think he thinks like that. I told him in Aug that sometimes I think he's playing w my emotions & laughing at the fact that I'm still around. He said he'd never laugh at me.
I've thought a lot about the role attachment theory plays out in mlc where the crisis comes from unresolved childhood issues. I think the touch & go is about feeling secure in relationship, just as children do at a playground they chk moms there & then play for abit then chk again.
H's folks from all accounts didn't meet his emotional needs, were not there for him so he has ambivalent/avoidant attachment. Inside his inner child thinks he's not good enough cos if he was they'd have parented like 'proper' parents. What he can't see is that it's never the little ones fault. How can it be? And its not as if the child can think 'mom's selfish & dad's a jerk, I think i'll pack my bags'. I'm rambling....
The strong, independent, detached me will respond when it suits me & when I can do it w no expectations. What I've noticed is I expect instant ansas via txt but not via e-mail. I don't want to txt anymore, I want phonecalls or activities.
Journalling and Questioning So I txt H earlier to find out when he goes away on business and how to get in touch if I need to. I was very straight... - Hi H, pls can you confirm if you are going away tomorrow and how I can get in touch in case I need to. Thanks.
It was difficult not to prompt for a reply but 2hrs later I got - I don't go til next Friday now. I hope you're ok :-/
I don't know whether to respond or not. I don't even know what to respond.
I'm actually pretty good. But I miss spending time with him and would love to catch up either by phone or face to face.
How to I work towards those R goals?
My personal goals are fine and I am staying on track but I don't see how to move towards the R goals without me suggesting/hinting...
O Tori its so much simpler than I think, isn't it? I just had to mirror what he'd written!
Instead I was my usual Tumbling friendly self. There's a restaurant in the place where I live (I'm still in our home) that he loves and hasn't been there since June with me (we used to go at least once/week). So I made a bold move but with absolutely no expectations, I promise.
- Thanks for the update. If you fancy a xxxx before you go, it would be good to see you x
I don't think that's pressure. I'm up for it if he fancies it, tis all. Not fussed either way.
Now to something else. Is this working? I've noticed if I text "night, night h x", he texts right back. Would you say this is something that works, seeing as when he came back from his trip he was on radio silence?
There are currently no financial/admin matters to discuss so no reason to phone or see each other this week. There will be some when he comes back tho.
I am aware that I do not want to go round the same loop de loop again. When we last saw each other for the first time in a year, he said he wanted to move home and make things right between us. He acknowledged we had a lot of talking to do and that there would be no more sweeping it under the carpet. I don't know what happened when he came back from his trip that stopped this from happening but I remain happy to try to rebuild our marriage but if he wants out then I'm done.
Right now I don't know what he wants and will not know until we see each other and that's fine as I am GAL and reclaiming my Self. I just want to make sure that this time I focus more on what I want and instead of just being grateful that he's hanging out with me, I would like to agree with him how we move from here to reconciling, him moving home and onwards.
Yes, I know I'm jumping far too ahead but I just want to note it here whilst my mind is clear to remind me to focus on my needs as well.
On the radio today I heard the Eagles, Take It Easy There's a couple of lines in it relevant to DB and MLC
Take It easy, take it easy Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy Lighten up while you still can don't even try to understand Just find a place to make your stand and take it easy
So that's me today.
O and I had a flash realisation as to why he moved out again at the end of October 2011. I will write about it in another post.
Tumbling, thanks for the update. I think the fact that he's responsive to your texts is a good sign. But I would not initiate the texts every single night. Be a little unpredictable.
If you do go out to eat with him, do not bring up the R issues. You want this meeting to be fun, lighthearted. You want him to remember you for who you are, not as the LBS. Hey, gotta run to help out with the move. Will write more soon.
Tumbling, checking in again. I was going to say that you're doing great by not rushing him moving home. Give yourselves time. My H moved back to the house too soon (last year after the A was supposedly over) and this is why our attempt at reconciliation failed. He was still not committed, and still in contact with the OW. Anyway, it's best to take things slowly. Good night.
Hi Tori, if H is going to move home. It will have to be on agreed terms and things will need to be out in the open before he does. This will take time and I do not have a timeline in my head. We need to start our relationship all over again as we have completely trashed our marriage in my opinion.
Right now, I'm not sure I want a relationship with anyone.
Here is the story of what happened last October. He had moved out Oct 2010. We pieced slowly from Jan 2011-Jun 2011 when we started talking about living together again BUT we never talked properly about the issues we both had when we were together nor how we would monitor things to make sure it wouldn't go wrong again. Sure we talked about little things that made a difference to my day but his reasons were never clear and still aren't if I'm honest. Just something about not wanting any responsibility and ILYBINILWY.
Jul 2011 We had talked about him moving home and then he got cold feet cos he felt bad about wanting to go on a once in a lifetime sailing opportunity. Me, I travelled a lot in my 20s and I believe in grabbing life with both hands. So I had no issue with him doing this trip. He felt really bad that he wanted to go away without me (was in tears when he told me about it).
After much deliberation on his side we agreed that he would go on his trip, give notice on his room on base when he returned and get settled back in the house while I was away in Aug. H returned a week before I went on my trip (see below).
Aug 2011 When I met H - all those years ago - I was on a road to emigrating to a place that I had visited every year for 7 years. When I met H, I just knew that he was the guy for me and I chose not to follow that dream. In Jun 2011, I suddenly had this need to go back there one more time. I realised that H hadn't stopped me from going there, I had and that in order to be at peace in my marriage and really be w H I had to go back there and close that chapter. I invited H to come with me. He said he believed it was something I need to do on my own. So mid August I returned to that country that had haunted me for 11 years. It was good to go back - had an amazing 3 weeks, the place still makes me feel the most alive ever but I wanted to be with H more than be there.
Sep 2011 H picked me up from the airport. It was weird being in his presence, I hadn't seen him properly for weeks. And I had terrible jetlag. He had moved some stuff into the house but not everything he had in his room on base. When I asked if he had given notice, he said he hadn't gotten round to it. This made me feel insecure but I didn't voice it.
We went on a week's holiday w family mid Sep. That was fine but probably abit too soon having just got back into each others' space.
He had listened to my gripes and changed many behaviors that really made a difference to my day but I was consumed w fear that he would decided that living with me wasnt what he wanted and would leave again. I felt like I was being tested. The threat of that rented room hung over me.
Oct 2011 Eventually I felt I was going to explode so tried to voice my feelings and my concerns. It didn't come out right but I thought we needed to check in with each other on how it was going. He said that he would try and talk about it the next night but that's when something you could never plan for happened. His ex, who ended their 6 yr relationship a year before he met me, died from natural causes. Of course, we couldn't have our conversation that night.
He stayed in his digs the next couple of nights due to work commitments and needing some time alone. When I finally saw him again. I listened to him about how he felt about the news and offered to go to the funeral with him but he said he didn't want me there. Being insecure already due to the room sitch, I didn't take that very well. I held all my emotions inside but late that night I spewed big time because the nasty voices in my head were thinking terrible thoughts about our marriage and why he didn't want me to accompany him.
He just sat in silence and the more silent he was the more I hurled statements and demanded that he said he loved me. He didn't answer. We slept in separate rooms.
In the morning, I decided to behave like nothing had happened and would apologise when he was up. It was really early so I went for a swim at my gym. I can't have been gone more than an hour. When I came back, his car wasn't at home and when I went upstairs all his stuff had gone. (Wow this is making me cry writing/reliving this).
That was about a year ago. We saw each other two or three times between then and early Dec but he couldn't talk about us. Since then I have been living alone, working on my twisted behaviours, listening to my inner child, learning not to react, wishing we could work things out and spending time with H when he's not caving.
I am sad this has happened to us. I wish so much it hadn't. I don't know what's going on now and I don't know what to do.
One thing I do know is I don't feel like texting tonight. He text good morning today and I replied.
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
