Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

I decided to start a new thread...my old one will lock up pretty soon and to be honest I dont' know if the neon is flashing or if it is just starting to burn out. This first post is a long one and probably will make no sence to most but it is where my brain is right now.

I don’t know if it is the weather, my subconscious or delusional insanity but I am not particularly enjoying myself right now. For some reason I have stepped off the chosen path to make a distasteful and prolonged journey into Zooland.

Zooland.

This is the place I end up when things appear to start getting out of my control. This is a place of black and white, over-analysis, fear, anger and frustration. This is the place where my own form of “crazy-making” (I love that word UD) occurs and I jump down cheeseless tunnels feet first, knowing I won’t enjoy the ride but still doing it none the less.

It is a place of my own creation where I spend an inordinate amount of time making myself feel worse FOR NO GOOD REASON that I know of. I am seemingly incapable of heeding my own advice when I am here. Everything comes in to question…and I mean EVERYTHING. This doesn’t only apply to H or me but to every person I interact with…vocal inflections, body language, the way a sentence or phrase is structured and the context in which it was used. It is like someone gave my brain a shot of nitrous oxide and it has started processing information faster then I can keep up with so I am left with drawing conclusions from partial information.

Drawing conclusions, making assumptions, being an a$$. I hate when I KNOW all of this and yet fail to DO anything about it. Instead I just let it all happen…”doing nothing” in the worst possible way.

I ask myself if I am just incapable of accepting that anything good can come out of my life. The only answer I get back is silence. Not very encouraging.

Why am I always trying to look “underneath” everything, read between-the lines, analyse “nuances” ? My H isn’t as sneaky, deceitful and villainous as my mind tells me he is, this is a projection of ME and I know it. H is introspective yes, but that introspection doesn’t contain an ulterior motive, it doesn’t mean that H is looking for a way out or having second thoughts. MY introspection goes that way at times so again it is a case of projection.

This whole past week or so has been all about me and not H. That is the only conclusion I can come to and really the only one I should be making at this time. That and the big one…I THINK I AM AFRAID OF BEING HAPPY.

Sounds crazy and ludicrous to be sure but I think that is the crux of the problem and WHY I have returned to Zooland. Happiness is not something I am use to and probably at some level I feel unworthy of thus when I experience it I feel awkward and unsure of myself and everything around me.

How do I learn to accept this? How do I convince myself that being HAPPY is OK?

H just called with a problem from work. I should be looking at this as a positive and be assured by the idea that he turned to me. Instead I think I might have handled it ham-handedly and didn’t validate H in the way he wanted or hoped I would. I tried to but I was not quite finding the right words. Was it truly disappointment I heard in his voice before he hung up or just my own feelings of inadequacy making themselves known?

I can’t even tell if this is a rant, rave or babble. More then likely it is just babble. Hopefully I jump ship here pretty quick and leave Zooland as fast as I can.

Zoo

[imalright]

Zoo,

LOL, I know that land~zooland~ also can be debland, LOL.
I just was there for the past week. Time for us to jump back on the path!

Deb

[sage]

Hmmmm...I thought that place was called "sage-land".

I DO know that knowing it exists and wanting to get the heck out of there is a huge step towards leaving!

Sage

[talitsa]

What, that place isn't called Talsylvania? Where ever it is, I visit it often when I don't take anti-d's expecially in the winter-time. I experience it as depression w/anxiety.

If you are going to be a Zoolander though, you gotta rent the Zoolander movie that Ben Stiller did about the male models. It will give you a huge laugh if you need one!

[Zoo]

So tell me something folks...do we all possess some form of twisted, narcissistic, perverse masochism that brings us to our perspective "-lands" ? Something that just screams for self-torture, self-doubt and self-manipulation to occur so that we can wrassle with it, conquer it and then feel like we have accomplished SOMETHING to put us back on the straight -and- narrow? Are we all DRAMA QUEENS ???

I don't mean that last in a bad way but I do wonder...is the drama necessary to me because it has always been part of my life to some extent??

Zoo

[water_runs_dry]

Greetings~

I can certainly identify with all of the above feelings. As I we reading through your thread for the second time, I put the "do something different" thinking with the feelings I was connecting with on your post. BAM Something hit me.

Maybe what would help me is changing the "land" instead of wading waist deep in "Waterland", what if I made Waterland the good side. Like a water park.. thats fun! Now when I am outside Waterland, it is when I am at my lowest. Now I have a REASON to go back to the fun place.

Rather than "glamorizing" the bad zone with its own name, complete with twisted drama, I give Waterland all the attention, the fun, centered, focused FABULOUS land it is!!



Just a differnt thought that may help back away from the drama!

Blessings
Water

[Zoo]

Another rant, if you will.

My mother.

Ma has been through what many of us here on the BB have...dad was in a long-term A, the M almost ended etc. For Pop's the A was purely sexual in nature (not that I condone that) and an addressing of low self -esteem issues. This was admitted to mom by pops in the course of his trying to tell her he didn't want the M to end and din't want to replace her, she meant the world to him etc (all things many of us here would give our eye teeth to hear ...even to the groveling and begging of forgiveness at our feet with tears running down their face).

To pops they seemingly resolved many of their issues. Lots of R talks occured, concessions made on both sides...mom CHOSE to work the M out. They re-newed their vows in OCT. You would think this to be a happy story, they accomplished what so many of us continuosly struggle to do.

It isn't though.

Mom has decided to talk the talk but NOT walk the walk. She holds her anger to her chest and drinks deeply of it. She sees it as something to be preserved and held holy and woe is pops if he doesn't bow down before it in humble obeisance during his every waking moment.

She says this is owed to her. Owed for all of the heartache and pain she beared during his betrayal and afterwards. Owed for what she continues to go through now because of the memories he has caused her to retain. She equates forgiveness to forgetting...she won't/can't forgive until she forgets. These are her words.

I asked her what pops would have to DO in order for her to forget so that she could then forgive him since that is the order she saw things having to take. She started rattling off a list ( a list which NO one could fulfill in ANYONe's lifetime or imagination). I asked her if he could meet what her requirements were in her list would that TRULY allow her to forget or would she just find more to add to the list? Sadly, she opted for " I'm sure I could find something else to add".

In other words...it ain't ever going to happen. She will never forgive him because she will not allow herelf to forget. She will make him "PAY" for it everytime he strays off the path SHE has chosen for him to trod. SHE was the victim and she won't ALLOW ANYONE to forget it.

Most of this stems from her lack of self esteem...I'm not talking low self-esteem her...she has NONE. I have tried to work with her on this both through words and through my own actions. I see this as the only obstacle in her path actually. If she would just put the focus completely on herself, fixing the problems that she has with herself then the rest will fall into place ( most of us have been there and know that once we apply ourselves to this aspect it all starts looking better).

The focus is on herself alright...the victim part unfortunately

I narrowly diverted an action tonight that would have us all cringing in our DB'ing boots and running to the BB board to post about.

Mom is CONVINCED that pops is already cheating on her...and if he isn't it is only a matter of time. SHe is also convinced that I and H will lie to her and cover for pops when this happens or are doing so now.

Pops took a differnet route to work tonight then his usual one. He also took a shower and shaved before going to work and decided to splash a bit of cologne on. He didn't ml to Mom when she wanted to, the way she wanted to or why she wanted to.

Because of all this he is now CHEATING on her.

SHe wanted me to contact H and have him tell pops to call her on his break. She was going to confront him with his bold-faced lie over the phone. I bullied her into telling me WHY before I relayed the message (some here may lament my bullying I know, but it serves it's purpose), thank goodness!

I talked DB principles to her, I yelled at her, i reasoned with her. I finally got her to promise not to pursue this any further then what was said betwen the two of us. I don't think she'll keep that promise but I should have delayed things enough so they at least won't happen while pops is at work nor on the phone.

I really don't understand this. I have read so many different posts here on the BB where an A was involved and I have yet to see anyone as "out there" as she is...someone who for all intents and purposes is lucky but would rather be consumed by all that poison. I know that everyone deals with this type of sitch in their own way but there does tend to be an underlying theme of WANTINGto forgive so we can enjoy our new M/R to it's fullest...or am I wrong? I had the same thing happen to me as she had, my m was in far more danger of ending even then hers was but I still can't understand the need she has to cling to all that ugliness.

The sad thing is is that I feel sorry for pops. I and others see him trying so hard to please and getting nowhere. He has acknowledged he screwed up to anyone who will listen to him. He has been read the riot act by countless people and does not try to "justify" or self-condone his actions in any way.

I will honestly admit that I don't think I could blame him if he finally decided to leave in the end. My H half expcects him too...says he thinks pops has put up with more humiliation then any grown man ought to.

I have warned mom of this...told her that if she continues as she is she will drive him away or back into someone elses arms again. I have tried to get her to read DR, if for no other reason then to help her understand herself a little bit better and hopefully stop the insanity before it is too late.

Any ideas out there?? Comments?

This is one of those times that Zooland doesn't even look so bad

TTFN,
Zoo

[shinybear]

HI Zoo...

First, sounds like you're familiar with Shinyville.

Honestly, Z, I didn't manage to keep myself from going there over and over until I got my medications.

As for your Mom...sounds scarily like how I might have handled things if I hadn't had a soul-awakening (but then had I not, I doubt CJ would still be around!).

I think A LOT of M's go on like your folks...with this unhealthy dynamic...as you said, it's a SHAME, and ultimately, who knows what will happen?

Hope you're managing to climb out of Zooville. Remember to challenge those perceptions, recognize the negative filters you're wearing and CHOOSE more positive interpretations.

For example: You're H's "tone" on the phone had nothing to do with being disappointed in YOU (who are you? The fix everything lady?) and everything to do with the actual problem he was working on!

I know I'm distracted and not all that cheery (to say the least) when something I'm working on is buggering up.

Shiny

[Zoo]

THanks for stopping by Shiny

Hope your buggered problem works out ok.

SOmetimes I wonder if I will ever be able to pull both feet (not to mention my a$$) out of Zooland, H asked me the other night WHY I had to analyze everything...I told
him "it's my nature"...h told me I needed to change my nature then

Yep, had a hold of a rope and couldn't drop it to save my life...SOMEBODY glued the darn thing on with super-glue. Couldn't get H to hand me the nail polish remover to help either.

I think the "discussion" with my mom helped me a bit tonight too...made me see i was being ridiculous myself. I hate being like her. It gives me the willies

Hugz,
Zoo

[sage]

I really don't understand this. I have read so many different posts here on the BB where an A was involved and I have yet to see anyone as "out there" as she is...someone who for all intents and purposes is lucky but would rather be consumed by all that poison. I know that everyone deals with this type of sitch in their own way but there does tend to be an underlying theme of WANTINGto forgive so we can enjoy our new M/R to it's fullest...or am I wrong? I had the same thing happen to me as she had, my m was in far more danger of ending even then hers was but I still can't understand the need she has to cling to all that ugliness.

Well...I've seen maybe one or two posters who were committed to clinging to their pain and "unforgiveness" but I think that the stats are probably skewed...IOW...the BB likely doesn't attract posters who are unwilling to let go of their pain...it would attract folks who are trying to work through it.

Any ideas out there?? Comments?

Well...how about a 180 on your mom? Sounds like you've been trying to show her "the way", to talk her out of her current mode of operation. What if you started agreeing with her instead?

As she gets worked up being convinced that dad is cheating...you get worked up...instead of disagreeing with her, agree with her?

Sage