wow KG the strength that you handled that with is amazing.
you know sometimes when you describe your H i can picture mine. The same mannerisms, cold, aloof way he deals with means our sitch. i really hope i can get to the same level of strength as you. i really admire you.
((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
well he's given you the clarity you needed, hasn't he?
I don't think he's trying to panic you with his ignorance, but he may be passive aggressive/in denial AND hoping YOU will step up to the plate and bat for him...
NOT repaying the 401k is stupid if all you care about is finances
BUT WHAT IF paying off credit cards frees him to spend on himself and OW?
You and he share the debt while NOT sharing the spending...do you see how that works?
Sorry, I mean that's a possibility. You'll BOTH repay the 401K but ONLY he and OW get to spend the Ccs' on themselves...not exactly fair is it? Tell the L...
Maybe you don't need to cut back quite so much...
Well, he wants you to spend the money on a L, instead of saving it, um...OKAY!
enough said. You handled it well. He did not. So be it.
Hold your head high, you didn't lose your temper and 99% of us would have.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
KG- what strength. H n I are also in a financial rut. MIL has been bailing us out for the past 4-5mos. It's not until she stops or he realizes he is putting a strain on his mother's income that he will finally see our dire situation.
Continue what you're doing. You are awesome!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Hi! It's been a few days since I updated my thread. I have been busy (a good thing) and have focused on my life outside the boards for a bit and took care of some house-keeping stuff that needed immediate attention.
I also finally joined Zig's goal-setting thread. I decided to take a step back and once again start with a beginner's mind. (sounds familiar?) In order to do that, I focused on very specific and short-term goals. Things to accomplish just in the next two weeks. Things that I can quickly determine if I have been successful or not.
So here it is:
1) Increase my PMA HOW? - Smile constantly with everyone, all the time - Use stop-sign technique to stop negative thinking - Read inspirational quotes daily I WILL FEEL better about myself, more upbeat, more positive and find more good things about my life, my efforts to become a better person and my progress.
2) Focus on improving one lacking area in my communication skills - my tone of voice HOW? - Use a lower, softer and calm tone when asking kids to do something - Use a slower, softer tone when speaking to others - Pause before responding - Not interrupting I WILL FEEL calmer, less anxious and even when something affects me, I will feel in control of my responses. I will also notice a different response or reaction from others towards me and my R with others will improve. They will notice a calmer, softer side of me.
3) Be consistent about exercising HOW? - Start with 3x week - on days I don't have kids doing any of the following: jogging, swimming, tennis, road bicycling or yoga at home - Other days, at least go for a 30 min. walk with S1 during school hrs. (3x week) I WILL FEEL less stressed out, sleep more profoundly, have a more PMA and will be able to react and act with more patience. I will look better.
4) Work towards getting 7 hrs. of sleep every night HOW? - Start by getting 5hrs every night, by going to bed by 1am every night for the next two weeks I WILL FEEL rested, be in a better mood, think with more clarity and have more energy throughout the day and will be able to find more patience within myself.
5) Improve my eating habits HOW? - Do not skip meals - No caffeine after 5pm I WILL FEEL like I have more energy, will lose the few lbs I have gained lately, and will be less jittery and will not lose sleep at night. I will feel better about myself and look better.
6) I will continue working on my spiritual growth and emotional well-being. HOW? - Read 1 hr. every night - Journal every day - even if just for 10 mins. - Continue going to church on Sundays - Do gratitude lists when I wake up and before sleeping - Go to meetings once a week I WILL FEEL more content with myself, will find more patience and empathy and compassion for my efforts and my progress. I will also feel more love towards myself, as I am taking care of myself. My self-esteem will improve and I will be a happier, healthier person.
7) Be more consistent with my personal GAL or social activities outside of my daily routine. HOW? - Call and see girlfriends at least 1 day a week - listen more - Socialize with parents once a week & foster their R with kids - Update FB and check in with friends - Get out of the house when I don't have kids - even if going for coffee, walk, go to the beach, bookstore, etc. I WILL FEEL more positive, will have more fun, will feel more loved and cared for by my friends and family. My R with them will become stronger little by little.
8) Continue improving my R with my kids and being a better mom for them. HOW? - Be more present, share and play with them - focus only on them - Work on correcting them less, and focusing less on manners and more in having fun - Continue laughing, singing and dancing with kids daily - Continue showing physical and verbal affection thru out the day; cuddling with each every evening and during bedtime. I WILL FEEL like I am a better mom for my struggling kids. I will feel more connected to them and more satisfied with my efforts. They will be happier, more confident and feel safer.
9) Implement consistent baby-steps to establish a new R with H. HOW? During our in-person interactions, focus and act only on: - Smile - Listen - Validate - Praise In written interactions: - Continue to not initiate, unless necessary kids' loginstics, respond in a friendly way and not right away when not needed I WILL FEEL more at peace, will continue improving my detachment, will begin to create space for goodwill and good feelings to emerge between the two of us. He will act less defensive around me.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I am copying more than half of your goals and making them mine...
Thanks a lot, and keep on keeping on!
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
KG, I have just now adopted your goals as well. How wonderful, simple, achievable and BRILLIANT they are.
I really wish i could meet you one day. You are a true inspiration. A beautiful person and a wonderful mother.
((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
can you give me a rough idea of where you are geographically? I promise not to stalk you but sometimes a few of us have met up in NYC or LA or Denver... its so lovely to have an in person friend who "gets" it all and you don't have to re-tell the story...etc.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am in S CA and would love to meet in person. I cant give out my email address here, since it is actually my name. I know some peeps are in touch in the ALT as well. Can I contact u there, perhaps?
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
