Separating Inevitable

[littleGTO]

This is my first post. I have been married 17 yrs and together 20. My husband is having an EA(for about a year now) with OW from work. It was months of trying to figure out what was wrong before he told me he had "strong feelings" for someone else. I have to say the he seems to be in a full-blown MLC which we both believe started soon after his mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. He dropped the bomb on 6-18-12. We have actually been able to talk about things a lot since he told me (and we do not fight), but he has made it very clear he is not willing to give her up. In fact he has talked about moving out every day since he told me, but this was put on hold first for time to think things through, then for our 3 children- S13, S10 and S8. Then his mom got very sick this summer and passed away in August. We agreed that his moving out would NOT be good for anyone until the "dust settled" for our children especially. Now he has definitive plans to move out November 1st and has said he is looking forward to the time and space to "figure things out" and "find himself." He has said clearly that this new place is NOT about HER, although he also says he is pretty sure he will see HER to help him "figure things out." In the same breath he says he "will still be living as a married man," which I interpret to mean no sex, but not sure what else. I am desparate to save our marriage and our family...I love him dearly & didn't even realize our marriage was in trouble until "the bomb." It does seem as though he is in a very "stuck" place, but I am really scared that he will need to take his relationship with her further to realize she is not perfect. She is married, but filed for divorce, same age as he and has two young children. Part of his unhappiness, he says, has come from the routines, schedules and stresses of daily family life. I cannot see how someone in a very similar life situation could make him think he would be happier. He has lately been there for me at times when I get upset and comforts me through hugs and long cuddling (but no sexual interactions). As we have another month before he moves out and then a long 6-months (the timeframe he has set for himself) to figure things out, I'm not sure how to handle myself before and after the move...I've read Michele's books and feel I am in a somewhat unique place as the "affair" hasn't played itself out yet and I'm in "waiting mode." I could use some good advice and support!

[AnotherStander]

Hello! So sorry you're here, but rest assured there are plenty of shoulders to lean on and plenty of people who can relate to your sitch And there is ALWAYS hope! First, don't try to talk him out of leaving. If you've read DB and DR then you know that applying pressure to him is the last thing you want to do. Don't argue, don't cry, don't pitch a fit, just validate his emotions (say things like "it sounds like you're frustrated here, I'm sorry you feel that way and I support your decision"). Work on yourself. Change yourself. Make a list of what hasn't worked in the M and do 180's on those things. Change your clothes, your hair style. Lose weight if you need to, whiten your teeth. Reach out to friends, get a life! You might also want to read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" which reflects DB concepts as well. In Dobson's words, if the spouse wants to leave they feel like they are caged in, and if you throw that cage door open then suddenly they're no longer trapped and all the pressure to leave is gone.

Do NOT pursue him. Pull back. This is addressed in Michele's book and Dobson's. If you pursue, he runs away. If you pull back, he stops, and may even pursue you.

Bottom line, quit waiting for him. Work on YOU. Initially you'll do it for him, but the more you do it the more it will be for yourself until you realize you're going to be fine with or without him. THAT is the point that the wayward spouse often starts questioning whether they're doing the right thing or not.

"Part of his unhappiness, he says, has come from the routines, schedules and stresses of daily family life. I cannot see how someone in a very similar life situation could make him think he would be happier."

You're quite right, he is delusional if he thinks things will be better with an OW with two kids. He thinks he's running away from schedules and stress? ROTFLOL!!! He's in for a rude awakening!

[figure-it-out]

Hello,
I echo what Stander above says. I have been in this nightmare for over 2 years and my situation is very much like yours in terms of length of marriage, etc.
I know everything inside of you right now is probably screaming to fix this and make it go away but you can't. This is your H's path to walk and you are pretty much along for the ride as long as you choose to be.
I am not trying to alarm you but speaking from my own experience my H's EA quickly escalated into a PA fairly quickly after moving out. In my situation, I feel like once he was out he needed to live out that whole "single man" fantasy he felt he had been missing out on for so long.
As in your situation, I feel a death in the family (my step son's to be exact) was a big catalyst in pushing my H into this situation.
If it does escalate it does not mean the end of your relationship (unless it does to you) many people on this board have worked through/continued to work through much worse.
You do truly need to work on yourself for the time being. Listen to some of the reasons he may list in regards to his desire to "figure things out". Examine what part you may have played in these and focus on changing on them. This is NOT your fault but each of us has things we can work on.
Love your children extra hard. They won't understand much of this and will look to you on how to behave. Give yourself a break. As many people wiser than me have said "you didn't break him and you can't fix him".
We are all here to listen and help however we can. I regret being in the shadows for so many months. There are many wonderful people on this board with a lot of good advice to offer.
Hang in there!!

[Brian in Hville]

Let me echo what Figure-it-out said. If it isn't already a PA, it will be. You have to decide if you are willing to put up with that in your efforts to better yourself and DB. Just remember...believe nothing of what he says and half of what you see.This is usually a VERY long process. The people here will help you through this.

[Wendylon]

All I can say, TurtleGirl is that the advice here is spot on. I'm convinced that your M has the best chance of surviving this EA/PA if you can follow DB principles.

When my H had an EA/PA in 2004 (just after the death of his mother), I followed this advice and he came back. A couple of friends had their Hs who left at the same time. They didn't follow DB principles and are both divorced now. They pleaded and pushed and it got them nowhere.

I backslid and my M is in trouble again but I know what worked last time.

Keep posting and reading stuff here. You sound as if you're thinking about this quite rationally. Good luck.

[littleGTO]

Thanks for the initial advice. I, like a lot of you, feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that won't end--one moment I'm hopeful, the next I feel such despair.

I think I've been DB before I even knew about DBing (thankfully since he pretty much dropped the bomb). However, the impending stress of his moving out & thereafter (not knowing what the relationship will change to ) plus trying so hard to "put my best foot forward, w/o overdoing it" when he's around has really challenged me emotionally. When he leaves I feel like a bomb ready to go off- sometimes I yell at my kids, which they do not deserve, and sometimes I'll go in my room and cry. My kids know I'm upset and I don't want them to feel like they need to be the parent in supporting me.

A question I have..my husband decided about 3 weeks ago to start offering "hugs/cuddling" as a way of comforting me since he admitted fully that my reason for being upset was all his fault (true)...I enjoy the physical closeness and it definitely comforts me, but sometimes he asks if I want a hug/to be close when I am clearly NOT upset, so I think it is something he is wanting as well or does just to make himself feel better about all the heartache he's caused. My question is... should I give in to this closeness now knowing it is a comfort for both of us & that when he moves out he might actually miss it, OR does it make me seem "needy" and doesn't allow me to DETACH (which I admit I haven't done at all)? It feels SO good, but I wonder if it is the right thing to do.

[littleGTO]

Thanks for the initial advice. I, like a lot of you, feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that won't end--one moment I'm hopeful, the next I feel such despair.

I think I've been DB before I even knew about DBing (thankfully since he pretty much dropped the bomb). However, the impending stress of his moving out & thereafter (not knowing what the relationship will change to ) plus trying so hard to "put my best foot forward, w/o overdoing it" when he's around has really challenged me emotionally. When he leaves I feel like a bomb ready to go off- sometimes I yell at my kids, which they do not deserve, and sometimes I'll go in my room and cry. My kids know I'm upset and I don't want them to feel like they need to be the parent in supporting me.

A question I have..my husband decided about 3 weeks ago to start offering "hugs/cuddling" as a way of comforting me since he admitted fully that my reason for being upset was all his fault (true)...I enjoy the physical closeness and it definitely comforts me, but sometimes he asks if I want a hug/to be close when I am clearly NOT upset, so I think it is something he is wanting as well or does just to make himself feel better about all the heartache he's caused. My question is... should I give in to this closeness now knowing it is a comfort for both of us & that when he moves out he might actually miss it, OR does it make me seem "needy" and doesn't allow me to DETACH (which I admit I haven't done at all)? It feels SO good, but I wonder if it is the right thing to do.

[littleGTO]

Tomorrow is my Hs bday. I spontaneously bought him roses,which I have never done before (180? or gift-giving?). He seemed irritated when he saw them but also curious about WHY I got them...I just said "for your bday & I felt like getting them for you," with a smile.

He frequently goes to the bar at least one weekend night (alone) & before he goes he asks if I want to have a drink with him and talk--R talk. I try more and more to let him drive the discussions so he doesn't feel like I am pressuring him about where he's at. We mostly talked about when we would be telling the kids he's moving out in a month.

But he also talked about his mom...his mom passed away 8-11-12 & he feels like he hasn't really grieved like he should because of our R troubles. He did say that he thought he would think about her more when he got his life "back on track." He said maybe he should see a C to deal with his lack of emotional response after her death (although he was a complete mess all summer about her impending passing). I thought it was great he finally mentioned seeing C all on his own! I don't know if he'll actually follow through or not, but it must be good he's thinking about it.

He has not mentioned OW in a while & neither have I, but his EA with her continues, I know--it's sort of the "pink elephant" right now. It sometimes feels like she doesn't even exist, but then he goes into his drinking or emotionally distant mode, or I've got to get out of this house right now mode, and I realize he doesn't want to be here with me. That really hurts me to the core. I need help in what to do / how to detach! I feel like I am GAL but my energy and thoughts are mostly focused on him & us.

[littleGTO]

I am scared from what a few of you have said that the EA will escalate into a PA quickly. My H and I discussed & agreed that a PA would be a deal breaker. However, this was soon after he told me about the OW. Now, my boundaries are fuzzy. I thought they were crystal clear. He says he loves her and she loves him. Her D will be final within a month. He is moving out in a month (it's almost all he can talk about). Does it seem likely that they will have a PA? What should I do /not do in terms of questions (I think I DO need to know that it has turned into a PA, and that I have a right to know this).

My C told me that men have a tendency to attach more emotionally when they are physically involved with someone, whereas women need the emotional connection to want the physical. Doesn't this imply when/if my H's A turns to a PA that he will be even more over the moon about her and a potential life with her???!

Plus he is very much wanting to "move on with his life" at the end of six months (the length of the apartment lease he took), so he seems to have put pressure on himself to make a decision based on where he is at that point. How long do PA usu. last?

When a S is having an A, how long should you put your life "on hold" waiting it out to see if the A ever ends??!!

I am so distraught today thinking about the upcoming months of S from my H. I am also very very sad that in two weeks we will telling our 3 boys (13, 10, 9) that he is moving out to "figure out his problems." They will be devastated. He thinks by coming by the house every day after school (he has always been the one home) that will help cushion the blow & "maybe it won't be as bad as you think."

HELP!!

[littleGTO]

I am having a very difficult night. Unfortunately I broke a DB rule and snooped at my H's new iphone account just to see what I had set up for the plan. Lots of calls/texts to the OW in the past week. First thing when he leaves for work, before I get home from work, when I am not home some evenings...basically whenever I'm not around.

My heart is so broken...not that I didn't already know he was doing this, but my snooping confirms his infatuation with HER. I just can't bear it sometimes. ANd I feel so badly when I fall apart and my boys hear me crying in my room. They always give me lots of attention and affection afterwards, but I hate that I make them feel sad too. And, I am so angry at him too & it seems I am always holding in it.

When is it okay to release your true emotions??? I exercise frequently and that really helps, but some days I just can't I feel like a emotional wreck.

I am really worried about the approaching holidays & especially that I won't be strong for my boys when I know they'll need me most. Can someone whose endured this a little longer give me some words of wisdom?