Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

I decided to start a new thread...my old one will lock up pretty soon and to be honest I dont' know if the neon is flashing or if it is just starting to burn out. This first post is a long one and probably will make no sence to most but it is where my brain is right now.

I don’t know if it is the weather, my subconscious or delusional insanity but I am not particularly enjoying myself right now. For some reason I have stepped off the chosen path to make a distasteful and prolonged journey into Zooland.

Zooland.

This is the place I end up when things appear to start getting out of my control. This is a place of black and white, over-analysis, fear, anger and frustration. This is the place where my own form of “crazy-making” (I love that word UD) occurs and I jump down cheeseless tunnels feet first, knowing I won’t enjoy the ride but still doing it none the less.

It is a place of my own creation where I spend an inordinate amount of time making myself feel worse FOR NO GOOD REASON that I know of. I am seemingly incapable of heeding my own advice when I am here. Everything comes in to question…and I mean EVERYTHING. This doesn’t only apply to H or me but to every person I interact with…vocal inflections, body language, the way a sentence or phrase is structured and the context in which it was used. It is like someone gave my brain a shot of nitrous oxide and it has started processing information faster then I can keep up with so I am left with drawing conclusions from partial information.

Drawing conclusions, making assumptions, being an a$$. I hate when I KNOW all of this and yet fail to DO anything about it. Instead I just let it all happen…”doing nothing” in the worst possible way.

I ask myself if I am just incapable of accepting that anything good can come out of my life. The only answer I get back is silence. Not very encouraging.

Why am I always trying to look “underneath” everything, read between-the lines, analyse “nuances” ? My H isn’t as sneaky, deceitful and villainous as my mind tells me he is, this is a projection of ME and I know it. H is introspective yes, but that introspection doesn’t contain an ulterior motive, it doesn’t mean that H is looking for a way out or having second thoughts. MY introspection goes that way at times so again it is a case of projection.

This whole past week or so has been all about me and not H. That is the only conclusion I can come to and really the only one I should be making at this time. That and the big one…I THINK I AM AFRAID OF BEING HAPPY.

Sounds crazy and ludicrous to be sure but I think that is the crux of the problem and WHY I have returned to Zooland. Happiness is not something I am use to and probably at some level I feel unworthy of thus when I experience it I feel awkward and unsure of myself and everything around me.

How do I learn to accept this? How do I convince myself that being HAPPY is OK?

H just called with a problem from work. I should be looking at this as a positive and be assured by the idea that he turned to me. Instead I think I might have handled it ham-handedly and didn’t validate H in the way he wanted or hoped I would. I tried to but I was not quite finding the right words. Was it truly disappointment I heard in his voice before he hung up or just my own feelings of inadequacy making themselves known?

I can’t even tell if this is a rant, rave or babble. More then likely it is just babble. Hopefully I jump ship here pretty quick and leave Zooland as fast as I can.

Zoo