best and worse thing to ever go through

[eyesopen]

I guess things were going a little too well for her. Time to pull back the reigns and send a messenger out to my picnic and drop of a little test. Is it ok to shoot the messenger?

[eyesopen]

After thinking about our interactions today, I feel good about how I handled it. Sure I probably could have said things differently, but I am no wordsmith. I am feeling pretty detached, almost carefree about what she does. I have my plans and goals for myself and the kids. Hopefully she will want to rejoin us, but if not that is her choice and I am ok with it. I did strike a nerve with her when she asked about my new credit card. It is a travel perks card. I told her that I want to start traveling and take the kids places. It is something we both shared a interest in when we first got together, but kind of lost sight of it as time went on. She got a little upset, or jealous, when I told her my plans. I quickly diffused the sitch, and she left teary eyed, instead of mad. I would rather have her feeling the sadness than the bitterness. No tears from me, just smiles and happiness.

[Grocerykartman]

Wow, a day after a nice phone call I get a call about filling out paperwork for a D together.

See, when the topic of divorce is new to you, you might tend to think of it in extremes. I thought my whole life that if a couple is going through a divorce, then, well, they must be really fighting heavily all the time. Probably because of horror stories I had heard, or seen or tv, or whatever. Then I went through it myself, and I realized that it's not an extreme situation all the time. Plenty of people can be headed down this road and not be nasty every waking second. If nothing else, a person would get tired out being nasty to the other one every waking second. (I suppose there's exceptions to this, but you get my point). Which my point is, you shouldn't expect that she won't be nice to you a lot of times. She'll have second thoughts about this a lot too. But, what happens is, even though she might be really nice one day, or show signs of second thoughts, that does not mean those will be her prevailing moods or thoughts. In short, she'll give you good days and give you bad days too. No dire situation is always dire.

I told her it is not what I want and I won't help.

I think you need to pay attention here. If you don't at least start contemplating what you want in a divorce agreement should it come to that, you're going to be playing catch up with your wishes should she ultimately go through with it. I think you need to consult an attorney.

I listened and tried to validate when I could. She went on about how she isn't able to do certain fun things with the kids because of money.

Not your problem. And listening to her go on about it takes away time you should be spending doing something productive.

I think she thinks somehow a d is going to make her better off financially. But based on the research that I have done, she is in for a rude awakening. Maybe that is what she needs.

Don't do any more research. Again, not your problem. Spend that time living for yourself and your kids.

I also told her that my heart is open, and although I would like to share it with her, I will make someone very happy.

Don't say things like this. It doesn't come off as detaching, or a viable threat. Sounds more like, "oh yeah???"

Then I said the thing that I am having the hardest time with is that I don't want to share the kids with someone else. I don't want to give her influence to anyone. And that I don't want anyone else to raise them but me.

This was hardest for me too. But letting her know this will not sway her because she wants to be away from you now. She is making it clear she doesn't want to stay with you, even for the kids.

So, where does that leave you? You've said it once, and she knows how you feel. Don't say it again. Be a strong, confident, man. Because not only will telling her this make you look weak to her, but your kids will sense your fear too.

I was a wreck, a complete wreck, thinking my daughter would be influenced in ways I wouldn't want her to be. I am happy to tell you, 2 years later, that my fears have been unfounded. You remain the most influential male in your kids' life by always making lots of great time and memories with them when you are together, and not wasting a second of that precious time worrying about another dude's influence.

So in the end she said she is going to hire someone to help with the paperwork. All this a day after she mentioned both of us taking the kids to a play together. Man am I confused.

This is because, like I said, a divorce situation does not always have to be contentious every second of every day. My ex and I did all kinds of things together with our daughter even though we knew we were going to be signing those papers. Quite simply, it sounds to me like she wants your kids to go to a this play, and she wants them to experience it with you too. It's not about you, here. It's about your kids.


From your next post...

Thinking about asking her if see is seeing someone? Is it advisable?

Why do you think she is seeing someone? And if she was, why would she tell you the truth?

I don't think it would change anything for me.

Can you elaborate?

Wondering though if see knew that I knew there was someone, but yet I continued with the db path, would that maybe change her view of me? She would know that no matter what she did, I will no become bitter. Maybe my name should be "eyesopen but tottally blind."

Don't try to predict the future on this. Best you can do is try to put the situation in reverse and see what you'd think about her if you were seeing someone. Even then, men and women think differently, so my advice really again is, stop thinking about this and instead fill your mind with ways to GAL for yourself and for fun and rewarding things you can do with your kids.

I guess things were going a little too well for her. Time to pull back the reigns and send a messenger out to my picnic and drop of a little test. Is it ok to shoot the messenger?

Sorry eyes, I have no idea what this post means?

After thinking about our interactions today, I feel good about how I handled it. Sure I probably could have said things differently, but I am no wordsmith. I am feeling pretty detached, almost carefree about what she does.

You say that, but you're thinking about how she'd react if she knew you knew there was someone else, and you're thinking about how she'll react when you tell her you'll have a hard time if someone else is influencing your kids, and you're thinking about how she is in for a rude awakening if she thinks she'll be better off. So you don't really think that, and I think deep down you know you do care.

You're in the stage of telling yourself you're carefree, I get it. You want so much to be. But really stop and think about if you are. If you're not, it's ok to realize you've got a ways to go.

I have my plans and goals for myself and the kids.

Yes! Right! What are they??? This is what you need to focus on. What are they?!

Hopefully she will want to rejoin us, but if not that is her choice and I am ok with it.

Right!

I did strike a nerve with her when she asked about my new credit card. It is a travel perks card. I told her that I want to start traveling and take the kids places. It is something we both shared a interest in when we first got together, but kind of lost sight of it as time went on. She got a little upset, or jealous, when I told her my plans.

What are the plans?

I quickly diffused the sitch, and she left teary eyed, instead of mad. I would rather have her feeling the sadness than the bitterness. No tears from me, just smiles and happiness.

Just be sure you're not going for a reaction from her. Make the plans because you genuinely want to make the plans.

I wish you well.

[breakdownbill]

^^^ Great advice here Eyesopen ^^^

I know that you don't post that often Grocerykartman but when you do it is always good.

I remember that you posted a reply on my first post that helped me a lot and just wanted to say thanks.

Bill

[afa75]

Eyes, just read your sich. Yes, most of us have similar scenarios. "Birds of a feather" ya know. . The eerie pattern I've noticed since posting is that a lot of the WAS tend to be 31, then again mine is so maybe I notice that more than other ages listed. /shrug.

Anyways, I've read many of Sandi's posts, throughout various posts. Based on where she was and is, she can provide you / us with priceless advice.

Also, I think I'd shop at GK's store. . The advice he gave you above is awesome.

My main tip, do everything you can truly for yourself. I say this a newer member, that was GAL with high hopes of saving the M. Some of it worked, but only halfheartedly, then I realized to do for yourself.

Live and learn (including our successes and mistakes).

[eyesopen]

What I meant by her seeing someone I would continue on the db path.

As far as the divorce goes, she had asked me if I wanted to fill out the paperwork with her. I told her it is not what I want, so I won't help. What am I supposed to say? Why would I help her divorce me? I have talked to a attorney and I have a pretty good idea of what she is entitled to. If I do get served I will not just sign it without consulting someone first.

The part about the messenger was in reference to the castle/picnic analogy. Like she was testing me to see if I was going to beg and plead.

My plans with the kids are to just have fun, and I would like to travel with them. Take them climbing, camping, generally be the best dad that I can.

[eyesopen]

You are right GK I am not truly carefree. I feel like I have come a long way in only a couple months. Hopefully the pace continues. Though, it seems difficult to be truly carefree if the intention is to save the marriage.

[eyesopen]

I have come across something a few times and it is going to be a goal of mine. That is no more talking about my sitch to anyone but the DB forum. I seem to want to talk about it to my friends and parents, like I am looking for there guidance. I also know that if I am to have a chance I need to be strong and confident. Make my own decisions and live them 100%.

Hopefully it will help me detach some more.

[eyesopen]

As I type this my hands are shaking. Not sure if it is fear or anger or both. Either way I haven't felt like this in awhile. Could really use some advice on this latest development.

There is part of my story that I have not shared since I was naive and thought it was nothing. About a month after the bomb my wife told me see was spending the night with a friend from work. It turns out that it was a customer, one of the regular golfers. I did some investigating that night and found her car in his garage. I had always said that infidelity was the unforgivable sin, but after all the reading I had done I changed my views and believed that we could get past it and strengthen our marriage. I waited there all night and confronted her when she came out in the morning. We actually went to a MC that day and went out for dinner that night. Hindsight tells me that was a bad mistake. She said that they weren't physical. Based on the cell phone records after that there wasn't any contact, although she could have switched to text only. Then about three weeks ago she told me that that kids and her were staying at a friends. Well the kids stayed at the friends and this time she didn't even park in the garage. I didn't confront her as we are seperated. Based on my instinct I checked tonight and sure enough, her car, his garage. He is 47, 16 years her senior. Since my mom works at the same place as my W she knows this guy. A few years ago my BIL passed away, my mom and W thought about setting him up with my sister. His response was that he wouldn't date anyone with kids. So based on that I don't see this lasting.

I know don't believe anything that you hear and half of what they say, but I am wondering what my best play is here? A week ago she sent me a text stating that she needs to be self supporting before myself our anyone else can enhance her happiness. Do I confront her, and push the divorce? Do I let it play out? I know I need to be strong and confident, part of me thinks pushing the divorce shows that. But on the same hand I still believe that I could get past it and trust her again. Not sure a divorce would stop the A anyway and I would continue DBing. I want to continue for myself anyway. A big part of me wants her to know that I know about it. Do I out the A? Once again I could really use some wise advice on this.

Thanks

[eyesopen]

Not exactly sure what I would say. Maybe, W you tell me that you need to be self supporting before anyone can enhance your happiness, but yet there is someone else. I believe the time and energy that you are putting in that R is what would save our M, save our family. In order for that to happen you would have to quit your job, cut all contact with OM, and become transparent. We would both have to start IC and MC and commit 100% to each other. I will not settle for anything less.

If she says she wants a divorce, I would say then get it done.