MLC or Depression? I need help to survive crisis

[summersnow]

Thanks, Rick, for your post. H is in business trip and will be back within 2days. The lawyer told that I should take advantage of his absence (He will be out during in October too.) According to the lawyer, if I file a legal separation soon, H cannot force me to leave from house (he cannot do anyway) and he, instead, will not have right to stay home for a while.
I was like pushed to "take actions NOW" in order to protect me and 3 big dogs (so hard to find place to live with 3 big dogs in our neighbor).

But the other side of me asked "Do you really want to force him to move out?"
I don't want to leave house (I cannot do) but cannot be so mean to him either even he has been super mean and selfish.

After I saw the lawyer, fortunately I had a meditation class so could be calm down and sleep well. But this morning, I was still not sure what to do so decided to post my situation to here.

H emailed me last night (called me 2 times but I didn't take them). I know he wants to see me to discuss how to divide asset. Of course, I am not ready. I am not willing to fight him so not try to get more than I should. My answer is probably to bring our property/asset information to court and have them decide what equal division is.

I would like to ask one thing to anyone who can read my post.
I have been told so many mean nasty words by him and so shocked and heart broken. We did some conversation after the speech of "not love you". Every time I see him, I become so scared and my heart beats go high. My body just cannot face him as usual.

I know I am getting stronger and detached from him but probably unconsciously my body feel scared and says "I don't want to be hurt anymore."

I am not sure how my mind and body start to react when see him next time. I may be fine or may not be. Under conscious mind, I think I became stronger (I know I need to be more) and ready to see him. Under unconscious mind, not sure.

English is my second language so hope you can get "idea" of what I am saying.

I don't know what he is going to tell me but assume he wants to move forward to D.