best and worse thing to ever go through

[Grocerykartman]

Wow, a day after a nice phone call I get a call about filling out paperwork for a D together.

See, when the topic of divorce is new to you, you might tend to think of it in extremes. I thought my whole life that if a couple is going through a divorce, then, well, they must be really fighting heavily all the time. Probably because of horror stories I had heard, or seen or tv, or whatever. Then I went through it myself, and I realized that it's not an extreme situation all the time. Plenty of people can be headed down this road and not be nasty every waking second. If nothing else, a person would get tired out being nasty to the other one every waking second. (I suppose there's exceptions to this, but you get my point). Which my point is, you shouldn't expect that she won't be nice to you a lot of times. She'll have second thoughts about this a lot too. But, what happens is, even though she might be really nice one day, or show signs of second thoughts, that does not mean those will be her prevailing moods or thoughts. In short, she'll give you good days and give you bad days too. No dire situation is always dire.

I told her it is not what I want and I won't help.

I think you need to pay attention here. If you don't at least start contemplating what you want in a divorce agreement should it come to that, you're going to be playing catch up with your wishes should she ultimately go through with it. I think you need to consult an attorney.

I listened and tried to validate when I could. She went on about how she isn't able to do certain fun things with the kids because of money.

Not your problem. And listening to her go on about it takes away time you should be spending doing something productive.

I think she thinks somehow a d is going to make her better off financially. But based on the research that I have done, she is in for a rude awakening. Maybe that is what she needs.

Don't do any more research. Again, not your problem. Spend that time living for yourself and your kids.

I also told her that my heart is open, and although I would like to share it with her, I will make someone very happy.

Don't say things like this. It doesn't come off as detaching, or a viable threat. Sounds more like, "oh yeah???"

Then I said the thing that I am having the hardest time with is that I don't want to share the kids with someone else. I don't want to give her influence to anyone. And that I don't want anyone else to raise them but me.

This was hardest for me too. But letting her know this will not sway her because she wants to be away from you now. She is making it clear she doesn't want to stay with you, even for the kids.

So, where does that leave you? You've said it once, and she knows how you feel. Don't say it again. Be a strong, confident, man. Because not only will telling her this make you look weak to her, but your kids will sense your fear too.

I was a wreck, a complete wreck, thinking my daughter would be influenced in ways I wouldn't want her to be. I am happy to tell you, 2 years later, that my fears have been unfounded. You remain the most influential male in your kids' life by always making lots of great time and memories with them when you are together, and not wasting a second of that precious time worrying about another dude's influence.

So in the end she said she is going to hire someone to help with the paperwork. All this a day after she mentioned both of us taking the kids to a play together. Man am I confused.

This is because, like I said, a divorce situation does not always have to be contentious every second of every day. My ex and I did all kinds of things together with our daughter even though we knew we were going to be signing those papers. Quite simply, it sounds to me like she wants your kids to go to a this play, and she wants them to experience it with you too. It's not about you, here. It's about your kids.


From your next post...

Thinking about asking her if see is seeing someone? Is it advisable?

Why do you think she is seeing someone? And if she was, why would she tell you the truth?

I don't think it would change anything for me.

Can you elaborate?

Wondering though if see knew that I knew there was someone, but yet I continued with the db path, would that maybe change her view of me? She would know that no matter what she did, I will no become bitter. Maybe my name should be "eyesopen but tottally blind."

Don't try to predict the future on this. Best you can do is try to put the situation in reverse and see what you'd think about her if you were seeing someone. Even then, men and women think differently, so my advice really again is, stop thinking about this and instead fill your mind with ways to GAL for yourself and for fun and rewarding things you can do with your kids.

I guess things were going a little too well for her. Time to pull back the reigns and send a messenger out to my picnic and drop of a little test. Is it ok to shoot the messenger?

Sorry eyes, I have no idea what this post means?

After thinking about our interactions today, I feel good about how I handled it. Sure I probably could have said things differently, but I am no wordsmith. I am feeling pretty detached, almost carefree about what she does.

You say that, but you're thinking about how she'd react if she knew you knew there was someone else, and you're thinking about how she'll react when you tell her you'll have a hard time if someone else is influencing your kids, and you're thinking about how she is in for a rude awakening if she thinks she'll be better off. So you don't really think that, and I think deep down you know you do care.

You're in the stage of telling yourself you're carefree, I get it. You want so much to be. But really stop and think about if you are. If you're not, it's ok to realize you've got a ways to go.

I have my plans and goals for myself and the kids.

Yes! Right! What are they??? This is what you need to focus on. What are they?!

Hopefully she will want to rejoin us, but if not that is her choice and I am ok with it.

Right!

I did strike a nerve with her when she asked about my new credit card. It is a travel perks card. I told her that I want to start traveling and take the kids places. It is something we both shared a interest in when we first got together, but kind of lost sight of it as time went on. She got a little upset, or jealous, when I told her my plans.

What are the plans?

I quickly diffused the sitch, and she left teary eyed, instead of mad. I would rather have her feeling the sadness than the bitterness. No tears from me, just smiles and happiness.

Just be sure you're not going for a reaction from her. Make the plans because you genuinely want to make the plans.

I wish you well.