Foreveryoung-is an affair a dealbreaker..well..I honestly could not say. I feel at the moment that an EA would be manageable but PA not, even though EA cld likely lead to PA. We did agree not to date etc until we are living separately but I don't think she wld stick to that if the opp arose. I may be wrong but she hasd changed - she seems a lot more agressive and the slightest thing gets blown out of proportion.
I wld not confront her without proof and have no intention of driving myself mad again trying to prove something that may or may not exist.
I am of the view that w is in a fog which is helping come to terms with what she does and not blaming myself. I continue to work on my faults and have a vision of how I want to be as a person which I will work towards. But it is difficult being positive around her when inside is filled with turmoil.
Hi all, I feel a lot calmer today but still struggling with detachment. W spent most of the day looking at rental properties online which feels like someone constantly sticking a knife into me, especially given I have had such a good time with S today.
Its like she is desperate to get away and becoming obsessed with it. Its almost impossible to ignore as everytime I go on computer or ipad there is a property left open on it.
I haven't said anything but am struggling why the desperation to leave. We are S in the same house so what's the rush to get out. I have not mentioned M for a few weeks now so there has been no pressure. Can living with me really be that bad?
W has definately gone back into her shell and she has a look of evil when she talks to me. Very short tempered etc etc but I have written all this before.
I'm about half way through DR and the one thing that I replay over and over is that I wish I had found the book about 12 mths ago. But will keep reading.
Thanks for all the support the last few days. After an initial thinking I was coping ok I have definately been having a wobble these last few!
"Its like she is desperate to get away and becoming obsessed with it. Its almost impossible to ignore as everytime I go on computer or ipad there is a property left open on it. "
Give her as much space as you can right now. I believe keeping the WAS in the house is a better option for R. Tell her you would prefer if she stayed, but that if she chooses to leave you understand. Then let her go. Concentrate on caring for yourself. Post often.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I am giving her the space and we discussed still living together while back. She says it wld not work and gave me the "I need to do this for me, find myself" etc etc.
She also mentioned about what wld happen in the future re dating etc which made me think that she already has someone waiting in the wings because I am giving her space yet she is set on moving out. She dissappears all day without letting me know where she is. I don't ask anymore as I don't want it to be seen as pressure/snooping. She does not volunteer it either.
Our S was up at 3.30 am. I got up with him and took him downstairs (he didn't go back to sleep). She had a lie in got up and then said she is seeing a property this morning but won't be back all day. That's pretty much all she said and then left.
It is like she is getting angrier the more 180s I do and becomes more distant yet says nothing. Is this normal? I don't want to go down cheeseless tunnels if there is no reaction. But shld I also stop if it is a bad reaction? At least she must be noticing! She did mention a while back that she had seen changes but it made her angry that I cld not have done it sooner and that I have adapted so easily! Do I keep going in the hope that the anger will pass?
She also mentioned about what wld happen in the future re dating etc which made me think that she already has someone waiting in the wings because I am giving her space yet she is set on moving out. She dissappears all day without letting me know where she is. I don't ask anymore as I don't want it to be seen as pressure/snooping. She does not volunteer it either.
I thought you mentioned in your other post you guys made a deal not to see other people while she remove herself from home?
If so remind her that, and set your boundaries. I know we can't make our WAS to stop the A, but you can have a choice to stay or remove yourself from the sitch JMHO. In my stitch, I know there is an OM and at least I only know an EA. but I made it clear to my W if she continue to entertain contact w OM, I will remove myself from the sitch.
Your W is also not receptive to things you are reading among other things so you need to back off doing that.
You need to regroup and refocus back to you and the kids.
Read my sitch, some of the things you were doing I was doing two weeks ago.
Take care, Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
It is like she is getting angrier the more 180s I do and becomes more distant yet says nothing. Is this normal?
Yes. It takes months before the spouse will believe the 180s are real and not just a trick to earn them back. In the meantime they will be ambivalent or even angry about the changes. Just stick with the game plan.
Quote:
I don't want to go down cheeseless tunnels if there is no reaction.
180s are as much for you as they are for her. It's taking stock of the things you've been doing wrong and doing the opposite of those things. It's important that you view these changes as a permanent, needed set of changes that you need to make for yourself. Because if you view them as temporary tricks to earn her back, she'll see right through it. 180's on your faults are never cheeseless tunnels.
Quote:
But shld I also stop if it is a bad reaction? At least she must be noticing! She did mention a while back that she had seen changes but it made her angry that I cld not have done it sooner and that I have adapted so easily! Do I keep going in the hope that the anger will pass?
Remember the 180 DB tips. Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see. She's in turmoil right now on the inside and she will react to your changes in strange ways. Just stick with the plan, always be positive, happy and cheerful towards her regardless of what she displays to you.
180s are as much for you as they are for her. It's taking stock of the things you've been doing wrong and doing the opposite of those things. It's important that you view these changes as a permanent, needed set of changes that you need to make for yourself. Because if you view them as temporary tricks to earn her back, she'll see right through it. 180's on your faults are never cheeseless tunnels.
Right. Even though I've never seen it written this way, I understand it as there are two different types of 180's. One is what AS posted above, and you never go back on these. The other is a 180 on a specific behavior which may only be temporary. These are the 180's you try for a couple weeks while you gauge the response to see if they work.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
