Newman7977, mr bond - thanks, W is now sat in shed and has been for last 30 mins texting!
We were supposed to be watchin a dvd with eldest s as he leaves for university tomorrow. Yet she has just vanished. Obviously her private business texting is more important and so private she has to do it in the shed!
At the moment I am on a complete downer about whole sitch and feel like giving her a deadline by which to move out and making it clear I will not be contributing towards her rent etc.
Don't do that!! If you're truly interested in DB'ing, then you need to detach and leave her to make her own decisions- good, bad or otherwise! Don't give her deadlines (pressure), don't tell her to move out (pressure), don't talk about rent (pressure). Anything you say on the topic will be viewed negatively by her. I know you want to be in the driver's seat, it's a guy thing. Believe me, I know! But DB'ing works and you've got to fight your natural impulses and instead implement DB'ing.
AnotherStander, thanks, just sounding off I guess. It just gets frustrating. I had a vasectomy in sep 11 that w pushed for. We also spoke around that time, she said she felt loved and couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Less than 2 mths later she is confused and no we are in this position. No warning, she even apologised for not communicating issues etc bu suppose I shld have paid more attention to.
Guess its early days for me and the reality of the task is still sinking in. I do need to stop analysing w every move though as its negative energy.
I do want this to work. We gad a cuddle before - she came over and burst into tears that eldest was leaving tomorrow. She said she's no sure she will be able to hold it together. I saids its an emotional time and she can cry all she likes. Made me feel bad that only shortly before I was winding myself up a treat! But thanks to these forums I held it so thankyou. I never thought I wld be relying on website forums as such a big place of support. But it is comforting to hear from people with the same problems - its scary the language etc that a WAW uses - almost like there is a dictionary of what to say when u want to leave your spouse!
Dr was waiting for me when I got home so I can start reading. I get v little privacy so will have to sneak away to read - presumably u don share with your spouse or let them see u reading it?
Thanks for your advice - it is good to hear this from someone who was sitting in W shoes.
You mention that one of W love languages must be words of affirmation. I have not read the book but been doing research on line re love languages. I had always thought that W LL was Acts of Service. I can see how this has led us to the position of where we are given her comments re DIY etc and her running the household.
However, she also spoke about Physical Touch. i.e. we often had sex but she commented that she wanted more touch (cuddles etc) outside of sex.
And then there is the Words of Affirmation that you mention. She also made comment to the fact that I did not always pay her compliments on how she looked etc.
Is it possible for peoples LL to change and to have more than 1? Or is this representative of how confused she might be feeling, or the fact that she did not know her own LL and it may in fact be physical touch?
I am doing the acts of service which she has responded to. She thanks me for letting her lie in when taking S away so she can have a break. Physical touch is just a no go area at the moment for obvious reasons. You mention words of affirmation - is it appopriate for me to comment on how she looks etc at the moment? I am being more conscious to thank her for dinner etc but she specifically stated that she needs her feathers fluffing once in a while. Do you know what would be a subtle way around this? She is looking stunning at the moment but in truth she probably does not care what I think of her looks.
Her behaviour is also starting to show signs of infedility - prob an EA as opposed to PA at the moment but I am sure that may change in time. I am worried that her circle of friends may actually encourage this. They are mostly single and from failed M themselves but give the impression that life is great on their own. However, they do get signicantly financial support and help with children from parents - something W hs never got.
I have started reading DR but not sure where to start - my position that we are S but in the same house suggests that I should resort to LRT straight away.
The comments re Alpha and Beta are true. In the early days I led the way but was always careful to consult W. She used to approach me for guidance etc regularly. Over the years I have become more passive and W has taken the lead more in the household. I am working on this but it is a power struggle - W has done it for years and reluctant to let go even though she really wants to.
Could I also ask W went to see benefits office, they are saying she can get benefits if we can prove that we are fully S but in the same house i.e. seperate beds, bank accounts etc. They also said that if I kick W out then she will be higher up the housing priority list. W now wants us to S in the house - she has not asked me to lie and say I kicked her out yet but it may only be a matter of time. Any advice on how to handle this - do I agree to full S in the same house so she can get benefits? I will not lie re kicking her out if she asks me to.
All - thanks for support the other day. I held onto my sanity thanks to you guys and am truly grateful. I think I may have blown up otherwise.
AnotherStander, thanks, just sounding off I guess.
You should absolutely feel free to do that here, that's what we're here for Much better to vent here then to your spouse.
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I had a vasectomy in sep 11 that w pushed for. We also spoke around that time, she said she felt loved and couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Less than 2 mths later she is confused and no we are in this position. No warning, she even apologised for not communicating issues etc bu suppose I shld have paid more attention to.
Brother, I totally understand. About 9 months ago my W was crying, telling me how she couldn't imagine how she could survive without me. A little over 3 months ago I was sitting with my mouth hanging open as the bomb was dropped. Take it from me, you can't figure it out. Her emotions are running the ship right now, logic and reason have been tossed to the bottom of the ocean with concrete shoes on!
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I do need to stop analysing w every move though as its negative energy.
I've been there, and you're right, it's pointless. Like DB says, don't believe anything you hear and less than half of what you see. It won't make sense to you because it's all coming out of her state of emotional turmoil. She may seem calm and collected on the outside, but inside her emotions are stormy.
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I get v little privacy so will have to sneak away to read - presumably u don share with your spouse or let them see u reading it?
Correct! Hide the book when you're not reading it. She'll think you're implementing "tricks" from the book to get her back.
However, she also spoke about Physical Touch. i.e. we often had sex but she commented that she wanted more touch (cuddles etc) outside of sex.
Men can turn the sex button on and off. We can have a lousy day at work, come home and be grumpy around our wife and kids all evening as we sulk in front of the TV, then go in the bedroom and turn the sex switch on, spend 30 seconds on foreplay and be ready for some action. Women can't do that. For women, foreplay involves being nurtured, touched and made to feel special and should take place for hours (or really, continously) before a ML session. We have an on/ off switch that can be flipped whereas they have a rheostat that has to be slowly turned up. This doesn't mean her LL is PT, it's a characteristic of most women.
Originally Posted By: rkyfat73
Is it possible for peoples LL to change and to have more than 1?
It is absolutely possible she has more than 1. It's important to nurture in all 5 LLs, but focus on the 1 or 2 primaries. If there's 1 or 2 that she just flat-out doesn't respond to at all then drop them.
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You mention words of affirmation - is it appopriate for me to comment on how she looks etc at the moment?
Sure, but do it in a "best friend" way rather than a "wow I'd love to bag you right now" way, LOL! Tell her she looks nice, comment on her clothing if it's something you haven't seen her wear before, tell her the color looks good on her, that sort of thing. Not "man that makes your hooters look big!"
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Her behaviour is also starting to show signs of infedility - prob an EA as opposed to PA at the moment but I am sure that may change in time. I am worried that her circle of friends may actually encourage this.
Follow DBing and work on YOU. Don't worry about what her friends are saying or doing, it may surprise you to find out they're telling her the opposite of what you think. Improve yourself, do 180's and stick with them, make yourself more attractive and appealing so she doesn't need the EA.
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I have started reading DR but not sure where to start - my position that we are S but in the same house suggests that I should resort to LRT straight away.
You've got plenty of time, no need to rush straight to LRT. LRT does not work until you've implemented 180's and shown them to your W. Too many people rush straight to LRT and then don't understand why their spouse detaches from them. It's because their spouse needs to see change before they'll consider returning, and if you go straight to LRT without showing change then as far as they're concerned there's no reason to return.
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The comments re Alpha and Beta are true. In the early days I led the way but was always careful to consult W. She used to approach me for guidance etc regularly. Over the years I have become more passive and W has taken the lead more in the household. I am working on this but it is a power struggle - W has done it for years and reluctant to let go even though she really wants to.
There are plenty of ways you can show more alpha, you don't necessarily have to create a power struggle in the house. Start working out, running, etc. Improve your appearance. Get into some sports activities. Improve your clothes. Be more sure and confident in yourself. Flirt more with other women. That sort of thing.
AnotherStander thank for replying again. I am certainly having a better day today. Your comments are much appreciated and helping. I will give the words of afirmation another try as it wld make me feel better just saying them as opposed to thinking should I or shouldn't I.
W was v negative earlier after yet another fruitless trip to the benefits office and she looked incredibly irritated and stressed. But it is he reality of what she has asked for. She actually looked like she hated me. I didn't bite! Just listened and said that's unfortunate for her. She then told me about the issues re housing and was getting v negative about the sitch.
Not sure how to react over possibility of an affair tho! But for the time being there is nothing for me to say on the matter. She snapped at a random comment I made that she had a text message early in the morning. I just made a comment re it must be important txting so early. She barked that she is entitled to a private life and its none of my business! Serves me right I suppose and shld have kept quiet.
Not sure how to react over possibility of an affair tho! But for the time being there is nothing for me to say on the matter. She snapped at a random comment I made that she had a text message early in the morning. I just made a comment re it must be important txting so early. She barked that she is entitled to a private life and its none of my business! Serves me right I suppose and shld have kept quiet.
Say nothing unless you have proof of an A. Then decide how you want to proceed before approaching her about it. Is it a deal breaker for you? What kind of boundaries are you willing to set and hold her to?
The fact that she feels entitled to a 'private life' means even if she isn't involved in an A she may not be opposed to one, 'should it happen'. Step carefully here.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Much better to vent here then to your spouse. 