So when I said trigger, and not "cause", what do you mean? In my mind, if I caused this to happen to him, then I am responsible? I mean I really do feel responsible if that is indeed what he is going through now and I was up all night comparing the things that I have done to what he is doing and its surreal to me how similar it is. Is there anything I can say or do to make him realize this? Or just continue on course with my "DB" techniques? Does the DR book talk about MLC as well?
So when I said trigger, and not "cause", what do you mean? In my mind, if I caused this to happen to him, then I am responsible? I mean I really do feel responsible if that is indeed what he is going through now and I was up all night comparing the things that I have done to what he is doing and its surreal to me how similar it is.
Trigger = To set off; initiate:
Cause = effect, make, create, produce
If you pull the trigger on a gun it goes off but if you point it at someone and pull the tigger you are the cause of their being shot. You did not CAUSE his MLC! You may have inititated it but please for give yourself for whatever you did. You only set it in motion.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
Is there anything I can say or do to make him realize this?NO Or just continue on course with my "DB" techniques? YES Does the DR book talk about MLC as well? YES
MLC is a very complicated dis-ease. It is within each person and can only be fixed by that person. It is similar to a hurricane and I ask if you can stop one of those? NOPE - best to stay out of the way and evacuate if you need to. It can cause a lot of destruction and it is best not to be hit by a flying tree when it passes through your neighborhood.
You are going to need a lot of patience to get through this. You will be TESTED, over and over. If you are up for the challenge then you have a good chance to succeed.
That is how I framed it when I asked...."We are going to the corn maze would you like to come?".
Asking demands an answer though (pressuring him to go). Just tell him "you're welcome to come along if you wish" next time something like this comes up. No pressure that way. If he doesn't reply, then just assume he's not going and don't ever ask him again. If he wants to go then he'll tell you sooner or later.
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I haven't gotten the book yet, it should arrive in the mail next week. I am trying to handle this with grace but when he told me he was going away, I just clammed up and didn't speak at all, even when he came into our bedroom to say goodnight. I should have just to make it "appear" it was no big deal.
Right, act "as if" everything is fine regardless of his attitude. It goes over this in DR. Act like you don't care what he does and it doesn't affect your PMA (positive mental attitude) even if you're really hurting inside. Eventually you won't have to act because you won't care, you'll separate yourself from the roller coaster.
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What do you think of my MLC theory above? Could mine have caused his?
Cadet said it best, yours may have started his, but it's not your fault. He would have gone through it anyway. If it is MLC, then like Cadet said it's very important to detach yourself and stay out of the way.
Ok I understand now how to frame it. He made a comment about working this saturday which confused me because he said he was going away. So I aksed I thought you were going away, he said "not far" which means probably just staying at OW place. He said he wasn't sure if he was working because its supposed to rain (he works in construction on the weekends) so I said "D and I are going to the fair or zoo, you're welcome to come if it rains". He just said "ok". Which probably means no but I won't bring it up again. So essentially he's just staying away from the house for the weekend and then on monday he goes away for work for a week which makes me sad because he's not spending any time with his daughter before he goes away OW seems to be more important than anything else right now. Even one of his friends has been calling the house and H has not been returning his calls. BUT I will stick to the plan. I didn't respond when he said "not far" and me and my daughter will just go about our business this weekend and week. The one good thing about him going away for work is that he will also be away from OW. What should my contact be like while he is away?
Getting through my own MLC and now waiting on him is the biggest challenge of my life and I am willing to accept this 100 percent right now. But me, my daughter and he (right now) are worth it. This will make me stronger regardless of the outcome.
Is there any threads on here where people have actually reconciled?
I really appreciate the advice and support, again, so thankful that I found this site.
One last question - what is the rule about talking to people he is close to? I am close with his mom and we've talked and she thinks he will come around once he sees he can trust me but I don't think she knows the full extent of the situation as it is right now. But I am really scared for him and our daughter. Is it wrong to share my fear with her and she is also scared he is having a nervous breakdown. We are all going to thanksgiving dinner next weekend but will not do or say anything there as other family members don't know.
Unfortunately not all the links are active because some of the threads are quite old, but there's enough active links in there to keep you reading for quite a while. There are some newer success stories in the piecing forum that aren't included in the above, so look there too.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
One last question - what is the rule about talking to people he is close to?
Do not talk about the M at all. Even if you think his mom has your best interests in mind, chances are very good she's going to talk to him and he will perceive that as you trying to use his relatives to get what you want. It's OK to talk to them and make small talk, but do NOT talk about the M.
Thanks for the links!! I find the reading of different posts on this site has really helped me see what I have done wrong as the WAS or MLCer, I guess it goes hand in hand and also helps me through this. The therapist is just once a week, this is whenever I need it! His mom has asked me how things are, I haven't brought it up to her but you are right, he is HER son and not my mom, altho she has been for 15 years. She told me she would not tell him anything we discuss or tell me anything he discusses with her which is nothing right now. But they love their granddaughter and I'm the only one who takes her to see them and I will continue to. But will keep M out of the convos.
How common is it for the WAS to not communicate at all? Is this normal? When I was going through my issues, I always talked with him, whether it was about "us" or just regular day to day stuff. He doesn't seem to want to talk at all. Its like he has shut off and I don't exist which is very hard to deal with. Even at the beginning a month ago, whenever I sent a text about "us" he would never respond. I haven't done that in a while now but he still makes no effort to talk about anything, no future plans or anything. Is this normal? He doesn't even interact with our daughter as much at all anymore. How do I know if he is "gone for good"?
Last night was the worst night of my life since this started. H left for his weekend "away", I said have a great weekend and that was that. Had fun playing some games and reading book with my daughter before she went to bed. A friend popped over after D was in bed. Just chit chatting and all of a sudden I couldn't see and nearly passed out. That began an hour and half long anxiety attack like I've never had before. I thought I was having a heart attack. My friend stayed and also called my sister who called my husband. I was scared for someone to call him thinking I was interfering and I was scared not to because if something was wrong my daughter is home alone. He called my friend but didn't say much just "yeah" and that I need to eat something. My friend asked if he was going to come home for Olivia because she couldn't stay all night as her H needed their car to go to work at 3am. He said he was drinking and that was that. He didn't call back at all or say anything else. I eventually fell asleep in bed with my daughter and am not feeling as panicked this morning. Don't know what to think of his reaction. Feels like he truly does not care about me or our daughter at all. Is this normal WAS or MLC behavior, feel like I need to give up but don't want to. But can't go through that again.
OW seems to be more important than anything else right now. Even one of his friends has been calling the house and H has not been returning his calls.