Thanks again **hugs**, i'm so glad I found this place. I wish I had a spot to call my own in our house, unfortunately I don't. Even tho I am in "our" bedroom and he is in the spare room, he slept in our room the night we had our friends kids over this past saturday (I slept on the couch) and we also share an ensuite bathroom so even if I am in our bedroom, he comes and goes as he likes - he showers in there, all his clothes are still in our room.
I also don't want to avoid or ignore him because that is what I used to do, and I need to do the opposite (180 right). But say after my daughter went to bed and I went into our bedroom (my bedroom) for an hour or so to do some reading, writing, etc, would that be okay? I'm giving him some space plus it makes him wonder what im doing or is that wrong?
Also, should I keep doing the small things (ie, asking if he wants a coffee to go int he morning, leaving the outside light on for him, making his bed). Again, I want to show him I care and appreciate him and like doing these things for him but I don't want to feel like a doormat either. I guess I don't know what my middle ground is right now.
180's are changes that you make for YOU. They may take you out of your comfort zone but they are not a trick to win him back.
It sounds to me like he senses that you are afraid and he is using that to keep you in line.
Do whatever you want to do for YOU! Just be a little mysterious. I believe 180's are more of a pursuit and distance thing. Men are sexual pursurers and emotional distancers. Women are the opposite. So a 180 of this would be to not be an emotional pursurer, to give space and if you were to pursue it would be in a way that you used to distance.
I am not afraid of him, altho it scares me when he yells at our daughter. There has never been any physical or emotional abuse at all and he doesn't tell me what to do at all either, never has. We've never had a relationship like that, it has always been very respectful of each other. I think he knows I am afraid to lose him for good. But I really don't know what he thinks right now whatsoever. What do you mean by : "if you were to pursue it would be in a way that you used to distance"
Wow, what a great post. Definitely one to print and re-read several times. I'm still "scared" to put this into full effect just yet but last night when I took my daughter to sparks I went out while she was there. H locked himself out of the house and text me when I was going to be home. Needless to say I didn't rush home. Then he 20 questioned me about my whereabouts while our daughter was at sparks. I am treading water because I am trying to earn back his trust still because I was the WAW at one point. So I told him I stopped at a friends house "for a bit" but he wanted to know where I was the rest of the time (sparks was an hour) but I didn't respond, just left it at that. We also watched survivor together and he made convo while it was on, I didn't initiate any of it so I thought that was good. When he did initiate it, I was polite, friendly and funny.
Again, this is mirror effect - at one point he was the pursuer and this was something our marriage counsellor talked to us about. And now I'm the pursuer and I need to back off but still show I love and care for him. Its going to take a while to find my middle ground. Anxious to get both books now!
So last weekend I asked H if he wanted to come to the corn maze with me and our daughter. He said "sure we can do that". I asked him about it earlier in the week and didn't really get any response. I asked him about it tonight and he said "No. I'm going away this weekend" but he didn't say where. And I didn't ask. Is that the right thing to do? Why does it feel wrong that he is not telling me where he is going (I'm assuming he will be with OW). I'm really sad right now
After my daughter went to bed, I came into MY bedroom and closed the door, H was out in the living room. I printed one of the threads on here called AmyC's musing (Cadet I think you reposted this) and I am literally crying because it so describes my behaviour over the past 2 years. Maybe I was in a MLC, I think now I really was but will talk more to my therapist about it. Can a spouse in a MLC trigger a MLC in the other spouse? Because I now see him doing all the behaviours I was doing (my mirror effect I call it). He came in a few minutes ago and said "goodnight" and now he is gone to bed.
So last weekend I asked H if he wanted to come to the corn maze with me and our daughter. He said "sure we can do that". I asked him about it earlier in the week and didn't really get any response. I asked him about it tonight and he said "No. I'm going away this weekend" but he didn't say where. And I didn't ask. Is that the right thing to do?
Yes, saying nothing was the right thing to do. Your therapist and Cadet have both told you to do nothing, and for now that's what you should do. Detach. Let him work it out on his own. Have you read DR yet? Michele talks about GALing in it and one of the techniques is if you're doing something then feel free to invite your spouse along, but phrase it like this: "D and I are going to X, you're welcome to join us if you wish." This takes all the pressure off of him, he's aware that you're going with or without him. And then you act "as if" you don't care whether he goes or not. Regardless of what he does, you're going. Your enjoyment of yourself does not hinge on him being there. That's the way to do it, that's the message you want to send.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
Why does it feel wrong that he is not telling me where he is going (I'm assuming he will be with OW). I'm really sad right now
It feels wrong because it IS wrong. It's rude and disrepectful. But if you're DB'ing then be prepared for a LOT of that kind of treatment, and to handle it all with outward grace and dignity even if you're angry and upset inside. Hey, we never said this would be easy
That is how I framed it when I asked...."We are going to the corn maze would you like to come?". I haven't gotten the book yet, it should arrive in the mail next week. I am trying to handle this with grace but when he told me he was going away, I just clammed up and didn't speak at all, even when he came into our bedroom to say goodnight. I should have just to make it "appear" it was no big deal.
What do you think of my MLC theory above? Could mine have caused his?
