Keep breathing...

[Denver_2010]

The MC stuff does sound positive. And you are getting good advice on how to pick one... pro-marriage for sure.

Please don't forget some of the stuff that we have been talking about for the past several days. Don't throw that out the window when you go to MC. You will be committing marital suicide if you go into that and start pointing the finger at your H. No doubt in my mind.

Always talk in terms of:

"I interpret H's [words] [actions] to mean -----. This makes me feel ---- "

Do NOT attempt to blame your EA's on your H's actions. I will repeat what I said a few days ago... no one made you choose to do that. You were in control of your choices and actions at all times.

I'm telling you this because I want you to succeed LA.

I will also throw this out there...

There is a great marital retreat called "A weekend to remember" It is put on by a group called Family Life. W and I went a few months before we began piecing. It was hard, but really good.

[hopefulinga]

I'm glad he's willing to try something even though he is not committed to a result at this point. This shows that he obviously still loves you.

[Breakdown]

Breakdown, can you recommend some books for me? I've gotten the 5LL, what else do you think would be helpful?

Most of the stuff I've read, or am reading, is really focused on issues I have....codependence, insecurity, trust, so probably not what you're looking for.

Desperate Marriages is one I'm working on, but I haven't read enough to give it a review.

What are you wanting to work on specifically?

[mamabird]

We did go to MC back in July and all we did was yell at each other. I was sooooo angry at him and it all came out then, because I was afraid to have those conversations without a third party.

Now that we've been talking much more, we each know where we stand and it's clear that we need help understanding each other, communicating effectively - and getting perspective on what is "acceptable" and what isn't. For instance, a week after I moved back, a friend came over for a very brief house tour. Turns out H thought that was completely out of line and expected me to "know that." This is why we need MC. Sometimes opinions differ and it helps to have a neutral third party weighing in.

I definitely understand that I gotta go with H's program here. I have no intention of blaming him for any of this, but at some point along the way we have to address his abusive words. We did talk about it a bit last night and I told him how awful I felt when that happened. I couldn't have told him that previously because we had gotten to such a bad place.

H is generally not interested in "seminars" and things like that, unless they are recommended by someone he trusts and respects. Maybe he knows you, Denver. That's where his company is headquartered ;-). The other thing is that we are not religious. But we'll cross that bridge. I do appreciate you guys looking out for me and I will keep you updated as we go thru MC. I think the weekends could be helpful but I just don't see him buying into that at this point. He's not even reading any books.

Now, regarding books for ME to read. I'm interested in relationship books mostly. Not that I don't have my own things to work on - I've been very selfish in the M and insecure about my own relationships with men in general. Not sure if there's a book that could help with those, so I thought I would concentrate on strategies to improve our M and how to communicate better.

[labug]

The Dance of Connection-Harriet Lerner

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

[mamabird]

I started reading Dance of Deception by Harriet Lerner and found it a waste but I will look into those 2. Thanks!

[mamabird]

Also H "ate dinner with us" again, if you could consider standing at the stove eating out of the pan while the rest of us sit at the table, with plates, a few feet away to be "eating with us".... but at least we ate at the same time, in the same room....

[hopefulinga]

I hope that the positives continue for you.

I've cried a few times in front of H recently and he's asked what's wrong. Part of me has been tempted to do what you did because I feel like pouring my heart out, which is totally not DB, so I've resisted. Maybe I will be able to do that in the letter that I write to H. But it does seem like your sitch has been improving somewhat since then, even though your H has given you no expectations of where you may end up.

[mamabird]

In my sitch, since I'm not normally vulnerable, that usually works with my H. Not that I'm trying to be manipulative or anything, I was actually being vulnerable and pouring my heart out. Also right now we're getting along and we're not in the middle of a lot of animosity right now. I told my IC today that it's like big sheets are coming off the iceberg. Last night I heard him laughing at the TV so I went in to see what he was laughing at, and we both had a laugh....

I know it's not DB... but to act glib as if I don't care I think was reinforcing why he didn't want to be with me. He walked away out of hurt, not out of MLC or OW, so it actually WAS something that I did. My behavior has to change in a different way - I'm still doing the 180s and "as ifs" but LRT does not seem to be a winning strategy.

If you think it will work to be more vulnerable with your H GA, then you should try it. I know he likes to be the "big man" so maybe it will make him feel manly to take care of you a little.

As for my own update, tonight my H made dinner and I was the one who had to sit out. Very uncomfortable but he got up from the table and I sat down and ate, and told him it was good and then finished washing up. He doesn't do that for me so hopefully he noticed the gesture.

We have to have a talk about money. He's horrible at managing it - HORRIBLE - and I think he's made a bad situation worse by taking control of all the finances. He's agreed to sit down so we can work out a budget and start paying off some of this debt. At least I'm earning some now, but I'm doubtful my little job will last longer than another month, which was the original deal.

The one sort of bright light in all these financial problems is that it makes a D a really, really, really bad idea, and I think he knows that.

[hopefulinga]

I know it's not DB... but to act glib as if I don't care I think was reinforcing why he didn't want to be with me. He walked away out of hurt, not out of MLC or OW, so it actually WAS something that I did. My behavior has to change in a different way - I'm still doing the 180s and "as ifs" but LRT does not seem to be a winning strategy.

I think I am struggling with the same thing. In the first month, when I "acted as if", and stayed real positive, H yelled at me and told me I was acting as if nothing is wrong. I also tend to not be vulnerable around him, which he pointed out early on in our M.

I know my H is not going to grab me up in his arms if I fall apart, but on some level, I think he wants to see that. That was the way I got him to agree to think about putting the M back together. It may also be part of his "control" scheme, which I know is not healthy.

Holding in all of my emotions also lead to my explosion this week, which I can only hope we get out of. What if I had just broke down to him or wrote him a heartfelt letter about my hurt instead of verbally confronting him?

I'm so glad you got to laugh together last night. And I think if you can sit down on the finances, that will be great. I know that struggling with money can make a stressful situation worse, so maybe you can work through that together.