I hope you know how much I respect, admire and appreciate you, especially your way of thinking!!
You have done an awesome job of rebuilding your marriage and yeah H is really putting into it, but that wouldn't have been the case if Sage hadn't done all she did in the beginning!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: ...it happened in small steps...there was the "I don't think I'll come home and find him gone" milestone then the "I don't think he's loathing our marriage" one then the "he seems marginally recommitted", etc.
My point? That it truly has been a bunch of teeny, tiny babysteps.
So, do you think that part of his coming out of crisis mode had to do with how you saw things going for the two of you?
Also, just curious....what type of engineer are you?
Very insightful! Thanks much! I really feel if we are to get back together it is highly unlikely she will talk about it, like she will keep it her own little secret until she is ready. For so many of the reasons we have heard before.
Interesting to know you have to just trust the actions and signs from the actions and not just get it through clear words. I just have to remind myself over and over and just act good, caring, kind, and gentle.
Trust that she still has eyes, ears, and a heart and is still considering it internally.
I can tell how a lot of things are good for you but also you want more. That is the human spirit, to constantly grow and improve. I can also tell you and he are on the same wavelength most of the time and lots of + for you. As long as you are both on the same path and walking together, I have a feeling you will get what you want. Thanks for sharing with me.
Quote: Sage you are sooo good at DBing. How long were you guys on the outs before things started to turn around? I was just wondering.
Hey Marc,
Not sure exactly .... my h was involved with an ow for 5 months (I could "feel it" -- he denied it). I found DB'ing and the BB about 6 weeks after proof of the A came to light. I've been on the boards now for 15 months -- DB'ing is a way of life for me now!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
another good day yesterday...another busy one today! h and I had lots of good phone conversations and emails yesterday...guess the day couldn't help but be positive since we started with a breakfast date.
h has a job interview next week! I have such a good vibe about him getting a job that he loves. He was so sweet...he called me back after telling me about the interview to make sure that I wasn't feeling badly (I've sent out a resume for a job I really want ...). It was wonderful to have him be so thoughtful...I just hope he knows how proud I am of him and how his success in no way detracts from mine! (Well, he knows now because I told him!). I want him to know how much he has my support.
h had study group + class last night. he got a tremendous grade on a paper he worked his butt off on. HEY. Sounds like h had an amazing day yesterday! maybe HE should be posting these positives! ( ). Anyway...I went food shopping and did some cooking (red lentil soup) and when we got home from the train station the house was full of food and awesome scents. I hope he felt well tended to!
Gonna meet him after class for a date tonight...he just called with a suggested place...see Karen????
Need a new thread but can't think of a title. What a lame-o.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: He never said "I've changed my mind about wanting a D".
This is good to hear. I believe that I am still in the crisis mode even though my H seems to be back in the M and out of the A. I think to myself every day that, since he hasn't verbally expressed to me that he has changed his mind, then he could go through with D at any time. This is some PTSD working here and it's good to know that you never were officially told that the D was off. I guess we have to follow our own advice...it's the actions that are more important than the words.
Quote: .... my h was involved with an ow for 5 months (I could "feel it" -- he denied it). I found DB'ing and the BB about 6 weeks after proof of the A came to light. I've been on the boards now for 15 months -- DB'ing is a way of life for me now!
I amaze myself about how right I was about my H's A, even though there was no proof at first. I agree with DBing being a part of life now. Dbing has saved my M and has made me a better and stronger person. I like who I have become and DB will help me to continue to grow and be better!
I'd like to understand more about your financial insecurities. I don't mean this insultingly at all, in fact, I admire your ability to look at this challenge and face it. The reason I ask is that my H totally freaks out about anything financial. Just this morning I found out that the bank made an error and he was ranting and raving. There is something deeper than just being upset about the error. There are some deep emotional issues involved that I have seen throughout our 8 years together. We are doing fine financially but I think that he still feels insecure. Have you been able to pinpoint what is at the heart of your financial/emotional challenges? I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
I'd like to understand more about your financial insecurities. I don't mean this insultingly at all, in fact, I admire your ability to look at this challenge and face it. The reason I ask is that my H totally freaks out about anything financial. Just this morning I found out that the bank made an error and he was ranting and raving. There is something deeper than just being upset about the error. There are some deep emotional issues involved that I have seen throughout our 8 years together. We are doing fine financially but I think that he still feels insecure. Have you been able to pinpoint what is at the heart of your financial/emotional challenges? I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this.
Christine
Hi Christine...WOW. An ASSumption on my part but your h's sitch (bank error) really resonated with me...I swear I can guess what he's feeling!
The bank sitch/financial insecurity would be about 3 things for me:
1. needing a sense of security
2. needing to have a sense of control
3. needing to right a situation where something was going "against me" even though I had done nothing wrong
All three of these things are related to my childhood and the ways that my family, my parents' divorce and the aftermath played out. When I was young, my family life was EXTREMELY chaotic...my parents were miserable with each other at the top of their lungs...and my mother was miserable with her three children, too (see comment about the lungs!)...she was up and down and all around as far as moods go...verbally and physically abusive. She would retreat to her bed for days on end and then just get up as though nothing had happened.
For years and years my parents would sit us down and tell us they were getting a divorce...that we would be moving...that we'd no longer go to the same school, etc...and then it wouldn't happen. By the time they finally separated when I was 14, we had heard the D words hundreds of times.
You can see the need for control and security, no?
Why money? Well, after the S, my mother went thru this horrendous phase where everything was about $. We would go to the grocery store and my mother would say "get the peanut butter" and when I'd go reach for a name brand she would SCREAM "not that one, get the generic one! Your father doesn't pay enough for us to eat that one"....over and over and over again.
Every month the bills would come out...and she show us how we were practically destitute (not true) due to my father's departure.
The scenario also played itself out a bit while they were married...my dad lost his job a number of times and each time my mother would involve us...tell us how we were going to have to sell the house to eat, etc.
It left me feeling groundless and terrified in a thousand different ways...and it hammered into my head that none of this would have happened if there had just been MORE MONEY (total crap...obviously the money wasn't truly the issue...in fact, we were solid financially).
If we just had more money then everything would be in control and people wouldn't leave and others wouldn't be unhappy and I'd always be safe and able to take care of myself and ....
Probably lots of other reasons have played into the $ thing for me...but those are the ones that stand out.
as for the bank "error" -- that goes to the very core of another insecurity of mine -- that some mistake will happen that will mess up my life that I won't be able to fix even though I have all the information to make it right (don't think you'll find that one in a text book! Maybe Shiny can diagnose!)
I think it's partly about being blamed or misunderstood for something that I didn't do. Kind of like "crud, I'm trying to do all the right things and this stuff STILL happens". Ah, I guess it's about control again!
and it scares the bejeepers out of me when it's some institution (bank, the law, school, whatever) that I'm going to have to go against.
It makes it a thousand times worse if I can't fix the problem right away...(bank is closed until morning, etc).
You didn't ask but here's what helps me in that sitch...if my h treats my worry as understandable and "worthy" -- not over the top -- but enough to let me know that he "gets it". The perfect response would be "Oh, this is so frustrating! Let's put an action plan down on paper so we know the three things we're going to do tomorrow to make this right."
Did your h have a chaotic childhood?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
). Anyway...I went food shopping and did some cooking (red lentil soup) and when we got home from the train station the house was full of food and awesome scents. I hope he felt well tended to!
