Turns out what I thought was him being concerned and interested was actually him being self serving. He took the opportunity to rummage through everything and take what he wanted.
W was doing that too, drove me crazy. I finally told her she needed to get the rest of what she wanted and quit coming by. She took a day off and moved most of the rest out. She left some things behind and says she needs to come by some time to finish up, but I can't help wondering if it's her way of keeping a foot in the door "just in case", because she's clearly in no hurry to finish.
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He is supposed to come over tonight to basically have a discussion with our kids. Needless to say they are not adjusting well at all. Not at all. I had hoped it would be beneficial for us to talk to them together without anger and explain expectations. I really think at this point it is a mistake and I should cancel.
Your suspicions are probably correct. I would cancel and talk to them yourself. We did the same thing, but I ended up doing all the talking while W sat there like a statue. Why in the world do I have to explain this to the kids when it's all her doing? Frustrating. Months later I continue to talk to the kids about the sitch and reassure them, but they tell me W says nothing at all to them about it.
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I can't explain it, but somehow, yesterday something in my mind changed. I think his nastiness again, caused me to detach more. I actually don't want to see him. At all. I want to avoid him. Perhaps, that is part of my motivation in wanting to tell him not to come. I just don't know.
Sounds like you're frustrated because he came over under false pretenses, and then treating you like dump over the phone didn't help either. Sorry you're going through this, but I think your desire to detach more will help.
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This might sound dumb but the house was a big deal.
Doesn't sound dumb at all! I HATE a cluttered house and when W took all her stuff out I was elated at how much better things looked, LOL! I never realized how much of the clutter was due to her! I pick the house up every day now (kids stuff and dog toys mostly) and it's never looked better. I love coming home to a clean, orderly house every day. It really helps my PMA.
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So that was my update. I'm still just doing my thing. Life IS getting better. I have moments when I am lonely and want to talk to him.
Good to hear you're getting better. I too find myself wanting to talk to W to tell her something, then I remember the sitch. Usually I'll text one of my friends instead.
Thanks for commenting. Sounds like our spouses are eerily similar. I just read your thread and it really seems that you are doing great! Just keep doing it. I intend to. I am going to wait until this afternoon to call him. I just don't feel it would be beneficial at this point. Their anger and frustration is with him. If I try to facilitate anything it just seems as though I am instigating and trying to influence their feelings. Or at least that is how he might see it and I don't want the anger and drama. His pattern has been to listen for a bit then when he gets angry he will blow up and begin shouting at everyone else about starting an argument. When in reality it is he that is blowing up so he can leave and not have to face what is going on. I just don't have the energy for that tonight or really any other night.
I think that at some point, it becomes clear. I think it just happens on its own--at least that's what I'm expecting will happen for me. Whether you consciously weigh up all the pros and cons or not, I think the decision about the next step becomes clear in its own time.
I can relate a lot to your sitch. Like you, this is my second time around. Like you, my H plays around with his medication. When he comes off his ADs, he becomes verbally aggressive. He keeps promising that he'll stay on but then decides to come off without telling me and becomes very angry with the world and especially with me.
Good luck!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Wendolyn I was reading your thread earlier. I am seriously wondering for myself if I want to go through this again. More importantly if I want to put my children through it again. I noticed that we do have much in common as well.
I did see him this evening. He came over anyway, apparently his phone is dead. I dunno. Anyway, I was not rude but I was not overly nice either. I was polite. I simply explained with he and the children both present that 1. he would have to actively be the parent on Tuesdays and that 2. If they continue to have a melt down for 2 days after he leaves that we will have to make other arrangements. I said it without anger, or animosity. Just matter of factly told them how I felt. He did ask to use the restroom. I noticed him looking in the bedroom when he walked down the hall. I think he was looking to see if I had changed anything. lol I was making dinner most of the time he was here. I did offer him to stay and eat with the kids. Exact phrase I used too. I actually don't get to eat with them much anyway due to having Celiac but I did say... you are welcome to have dinner with them if you like. They wanted him to stay of course he didn't. As far as I know he has no stove or anything. There has still not been any mention of OW or anything. Of course, there could be. Who knows. I don't really believe anything he says or does at this point. Although, he did bring me back the drill and the keys to the other little house on our property so that was good. He is entirely too compliant. Therefor, I am starting to believe there is another dynamic going on, meaning OW. There were times in the past that time was unaccounted for. I really don't know and don't know if it even matters. I am in a frame of mind where I could really care less. Sounds odd. So I stayed strong. Never gave in, never got baited, kept to the topic at hand and basically dismissed him when I was done. Not sure if it made any impression at all and again, I sort of don't care at the moment. I mean obviously I do or I wouldn't keep DB'ing but really the new actions just feel right and part of me is more worried about standing up for me and the kids. I'm super aggravated that he has yet to call even one time to check on them. I have been calling him when it happens. I think I am done with that too. If he is interested he will take the initiative. If not, then we see where the priorities are. So that was my day. My night will be homework. I hope all is well with everyone here. Or as good as can be expected.
LOL I was just rereading that- He only has a microwave and he chose that over dinner with them. Maybe he felt like that was taking something from me. I don't know. He said once before I just don't want to owe you anything. The other thing is he does refer to here as my home. Not his. He said can i use your bathroom? Ironic thing is that he owned this house long before I knew him. At least 10 years before. So he is definitely detached in his thinking. I am not having a good night and completely confused. What has me most confused is that he says that I have rejected him for years. He is referring to sexually and really we have had no intimacy otherwise either. So how does detaching help that? Does that make sense? Not detaching but no contact- How does not showing any interest help that?
That is the point I have been stuck at for some time and what is making me second guess that. I really want to make the most of the little bit of time I will see him on Tuesday so any input would be great. He was very cold today as yesterday and it has me a bit freaked out. Not the crying, crazy, panicked me I have been in the past but the holy crap is this working or backfiring kind of freaked out. Frankly, I don't have any wiggle room for screw ups. I am really also puzzled as to why someone would want to live as he is. I really think he has been lying all along and is staying with a woman. I mean I realized he took his computer. Why? If you have no internet connection and you really do nothing else why would you take it? Makes no sense. I am guessing more of this is still yet to come out. I hope I am wrong. That is my firm and hard line and he knows this. I just don't know what to think and do. I know I need to detach and all things considered I think I am doing well in that respect. Frankly, he doesn't know I feel and think all of this and that is the main point. Anxiety is very high tonight. I think he did tell the truth in that his phone is dead. D10 tried to call him before she went to bed and the phone seems to be off. It was dead when he was here and he was concerned he had left the charger. So my guess is that he never did find it.
Back to the question at hand, though, how should I handle Tuesday?
Well today hasn't been great. My frame of mind is not great. He called earlier to ask me about furniture. Specifically beds for the kids to sleep in while there and that just upset me all over again. I feel like just taking them and running away somewhere. That probably sounds stupid. Every interaction is just a source for more pain and he seems to be going out of his way to make it so. His word choices and phrasing are intentionally shitty. Things he knows are going to upset me. I can't seem to reconcile why if he doesn't care does he do these things. Even more if he does care then why is he doing these things. It's like chasing my tail. To top it off, I am embarrassed once again at least in our little community. I feel like every one is looking at me. She's the woman that can't keep her husband. What's the matter with her? Sorry for venting. I am just very very frustrated.
Take a breath. Try to keep in mind that he can't actually make you feel any particular way. That you are choosing to let the words he uses upset you. But they are just words, letters, and sounds. At any given time, remember that you can choose peace and just keep choosing to be peaceful no matter what he says or does. This practice will serve you way better in the long run. Hope this doesn't sound too unsympathetic. I've totally been where you are and felt shame at my circumstances but I had to realize that it was just me letting myself feel that way and it's way better to choose an emotion that's more resourceful. Hope this helps
