Freedomland Ahead

[seeking answers]

Being Me,

I think Snodderly is spot on. I think by you standing your H had a sense of security. He had a home base out of which he was comfortable coming and going and living his life as he pleased.

Now, you're moving on and that security is not going to be there for him. I think it has sent him into a tizzy.

Maybe this has caused him to realize what he had and will lose?

Hope your ankle is feeling better.

[braveheart]

Don't let him stay, keep your boundaries! If he thinks he can go back to the way its been, he will do it!

[beatrice]

^^^^^^ what those two wise ladies said!! Take care of the ankle!

[BeingMe]

Ankle feeling much better today, thanks.

H is leaving again today. WTH! He's off to the city near us and will be staying there for the week, then come home, then off to Mexico again. He wants to get the house sold, and I think that's why he came home ... to get some stuff finished on the house. I don't think he's feeling insecure ... well, he's not acting that way. It's difficult to gauge his feelings ... always has been. If we sell the house, it would have to be before the end of the year. As I said before, I won't have time to be keeping things neat and tidy for showings ... I'll have 5 courses next year, and will barely have time to breathe.

I don't know why, but I have this gut feeling that he is manipulating me, somehow. Can't tell where or how. And, I also think he wants to get all this part of his life over. I think he thinks this is part of his stress. Sad, because home is where you can relax, if you allow yourself to do. Well, maybe there's OW on the scene, whose directing him.

Just something in the wind ....

[BeingMe]

Just some thoughts ... feeling a little melancholy after turning 55 yesterday. I look to the year ahead, and foresee many changes: divorce, moving (if we get the house sold), making decisions on my own. I look forward to my independence, but also sad at the end of my marriage. I look back at 26 years of good times and bad, at moving to different countries, bringing up our children, grandchildren, and so much more. And, now, at the end, no explosion ... just a sad little whimper. A friend said maybe he'll come back eventually, but I replied there is "no coming back after divorce." I've tried everything to save our marriage, I'm tired of trying, I've finally got to the place where I think there's nothing more to do then D and move on as best as I can. I will be fine.

It's strange that recently I've begun finding pennies all over the place again. I used to find them during my illness, then it kinda stopped, and now back again with a vengeance. I put clean pants on and was pushing the pockets straight ... felt nothing, then I was putting something in the left pocket, and there it was. A Canadian copper penny. Another thing ... white butterflies since before summer. I don't why, but they're always catching my attention, and I just smile.

So, onwards to a better future. I'm fifty-five and still alive.

[beatrice]

BM I am just curious, because like me you had cancer in the last few years - was this when your h was already in MLC? How did he cope?

Like you I am glad to be alive. Many changes for you, and taking sole charge of your own life is scary but exhilarating.

Anyway I hope you had as good a brithday as possible under the circumstances.

[job]

BeingMe,
Happy belated birthday! Please do not be afraid of the future. God has been sending you pennies and butterflies to remind you that life is precious and delicate and that you need to enjoy every minute of it. Spread your wings and soar!

[BeingMe]

Beatrice ... he didn't act like a H scared of losing his W. This is when he started traveling for longer periods of time. His reasoning, "I still have to earn money." Duh! Maybe he coped by running away, leaving my S25 and D19 (much younger then) to deal with all the seizures, visits to the doctor, etc. He came on some, but seemed very disconnected. My son was my hero.

My D19 took me out on Sunday for lunch, and bought me a big teapot, which I loved. Tuesday was a uni day, so not much fun to be had. Not complaining though. I like going to classes.

Snodderly ... I like the way you put that "life is precious and delicate." Lovely way to see pennies and butterflies.

[BeingMe]

More journaling ...

H got back on Thursday, and has just left again. I am so sick of saying "good-bye". This traveling has always been a stress thing for me, and it hasn't changed with divorce being imminent.

While he was here, I called the L again. I made an appointment for Oct. 29, and he said he'll be here to go with me. Isn't that nice ... he's available for L appointments, but no so much with oncological appointments. Anyway, soon I'll be free. Not have to worry about him being away, or who he's seeing, yadda yadda. I won't have to think about him at all. Weirdly, I had an enormous cry last night. No-one heard though.

[BeingMe]

I was paying the credit card, and noticed that he'd bought a flight to and from our town on my birthday. I had noticed this earlier, but he said he had cancelled the flight. Yet, no credit was assigned ... just the two flights. So, why lie? Is this the default now ... lie before truth? It's not like we're married in the true sense of the word, and I only see this because the cc is on my statements, and I'm paying it down. It's like walking on shaking ground when dealing with my H. I'll be glad when it's all over, and I don't have to deal with his lies anymore. Some other person can have him, and put up with all the falsehoods. I actually believed him this time. Stupid me.