Accepting reality, moving on with my life

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Afa, I've set myself a deadline of having this talk before the weekend is over.

There's a couple of things I need my w to sign regarding my request for a grant at uni that I want to make sure are out of the way first.

I think Saturday night is when I'm going to have the talk.

I'm pretty sure what I'm going to say, but just thought if people could chip in it'd be helpful.

Thanks people

[Denver_2010]

Be firm and unwavering... You do not want to be perceived as the boy who cried wolf.

If this causes her to move towards you and your M, you are going to have to see some real action on her part before considering changing your mind (if that's even a possibility at this point).

[breakdownbill]

Be firm and unwavering... You do not want to be perceived as the boy who cried wolf.

Great advice Denver, I will make sure that my W knows I am serious by stating that I have already sought legal advice & that I can't remain in this open marriage.

I'm expecting a number of possible reactions, but regardless of the reaction I get it won't change my decision.

I just hope that my W plays ball & we can come to a sensible arrangement for D terms on residancy, assets and finance.

My document is signed, so goal 1 is done.

There isn't an ideal time to break this news, but I'm thinking that if I do it on Saturday night she'll have all day Sunday to process it before going to work on Monday.

I didn't want her to sign a financial document & then 10 mins later - guess what.

Tomorrow night she is at dancing and a big part of me didn't want the OM filling her head full of crap while this is still raw, making this process harder than it has to be.

I feel ready for it & I know that she could turn nasty, but I'm standing firm & not moving out whilst this process happens.

After all these are my kids too, these are our assets and legally this is still our home.

If this causes her to move towards you and your M, you are going to have to see some real action on her part before considering changing your mind (if that's even a possibility at this point).

Knowing my W I'd be really surprised if she showed any interest in staying together, but it wouldn't change my mind.

I've had my eyes opened as to what a healthy R should be like and I've learned some valuable lessons from the breakdown of this M.

Some people can handle being walked over, disrespected, cheated on better than others. I lasted 7 months and I know that enough is enough for me now.

I came here wanting to save my marriage, but ended up rekindling my love for life, making the bond with my kids stronger than ever.

In a way I'm glad all this has happened, I wouldn't have had all this personal growth, I would still be letting life pass me by.

I will stay strong throughout everything and be that rock my kids will need to get through this.

Thanks for chipping in Denver

Bill

[Denver_2010]

I respect your position Bill. I reached that point as well. What is said here is true... you will know when you are done.

In any case, you do seem SO much stronger than when you first came to this board. Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's the same person posting. I'm happy for that.

Good luck man.

Denver

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Denver

I really respect your opinion and appreciate the compliment.

I know what you mean about when I first started posting, I was all over the place emotionally.

I can't recommend having a good IC to help you get your head together enough.

I think when everything is new for the LBS after you get the bomb your anxiety gets in the way of making rational decisions.

Things go through your head like, 'If I screw this up I've blown it' and you over think how to act in situations so much that you end putting so much pressure on yourself to keep the M together that you forget who you are.

When you find yourself again & you GAL because you genuinely do want to have some fun & are not putting on a side show for the WAS, that's the first key goal to all of this & what DB is about for me.

Not everyone saves their M who comes here, because when we get here the s@*t has already hit the fan for a lot of us.

For all the (usually constructive) criticism & disagreements we have along the way with each other, I wouldn't change a thing about this forum, we are all lucky to have found this space.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Denver

I really respect your opinion and appreciate the compliment.

I know what you mean about when I first started posting, I was all over the place emotionally.

I can't recommend having a good IC to help you get your head together enough.

I think when everything is new for the LBS after you get the bomb your anxiety gets in the way of making rational decisions.

Things go through your head like, 'If I screw this up I've blown it' and you over think how to act in situations so much that you end putting so much pressure on yourself to keep the M together that you forget who you are.

When you find yourself again & you GAL because you genuinely do want to have some fun & are not putting on a side show for the WAS, that's the first key goal to all of this & what DB is about for me.

Not everyone saves their M who comes here, because when we get here the s@*t has already hit the fan for a lot of us.

For all the (usually constructive) criticism & disagreements we have along the way with each other, I wouldn't change a thing about this forum, we are all lucky to have found this space.

Yup

[nettieboop]

This is exactly where I'm at!

"Hoping" for the best but trying to be realistic about my expectations...it's so hard.

[longrun]

This is a tough time for you but your clarity is convincing. All the best.

[breakdownbill]

Nettie

right now you need to give your H space and just try to validate his complaints about the M (even if they are way off the mark).

Once you've got over the initial shock of everything, just look internally and ask yourself what you want.

Everyone says on here no matter if you stay together or D, be prepared to go through the pain because neither is easy.

I noticed you posted your story on MLC - you might get some more traffic if you post it here in the Newcomers section.

Take care Nettie & stay strong

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Longrun

Yeah it is tough, but I know that once I lay it out for my W I'll feel better.

Hey cutter just did 7 miles in the rain - gonna chill with a well earned couple of beers like a boss tonight