Hello AML I have been on the roller coaster for coming up 2 yrs. When things felt like I could go on no more I too thought that I would be better off divorced. It was the only way I could see to find release from how terrible I felt and the confusion H's actions caused in my mind.
I also thought this would show him that I meant business but really divorce was the last thing I wanted. What I really wanted was my marriage back how it had been a long time ago before we stopped looking after and care for each other. I guess before life got in the way and we were younger with less responsibilities.
I don't recommend filing as a way to get your wife to see sense. She isn't in a place, by the sounds of things, to take it that way.
You can't control her feelings for you or about the relationship in any way. You can only control you, your thoughts, your feelings and your actions.
My H is a WAS in the throes of MLC. I know that I can file at any time but I need to be ready emotionally, feel done with the relationship and know in my heart that I did everything I could including working on the behaviours that pushed him away, detaching and know in my heart that I can truly own the decision to take that step.
Just my thoughts Tumbling
exactly right ^^^
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks Denver, Tumbling and Cadet. i am just very impatient over this. Especially since I went through it once before. This time seem to come out of nowhere. I guess that I need to add "Find more patience" to my list of Goals.
Gave the W a text and told her I was leaving work early, gonna pick up D4 and do something with her so W could get schoolwork done. She called me about 30 mins later but "missed the call". Then she texted immediately after call saying D4 was not home. I called her back a few mins later and she said D was with the neighbor (they have a daughter about the same age). She said she was gonna take advantage and go to the coffee shop, or somewhere to study. I said ok, I can get some stuff done around the house then.
When I arrived home, about 45 mins later, W was still home. She was upstairs in the MBR. I stayed downstairs and kinda piddled around. She came downstairs and started chatting up. I stood and listened intensely at what she had to say. We cut up a little, kinds talking like friends, which was nice. She told me her schedule and what time she would be home and what she had going on(I didn't even ask). She mentioned dinner, and I said not to worry a bit, that I was running to the store to PU a couple things to make pot roast. She also "kinda complemented" me on the chicken Alfredo Pasta I made last night. She started to walk out and said see ya later, and I repeated.
After she left, she called to remind me about a letter I had to pick up from the Post Office. I was actually walking out when she called, to get the letter and go to the store. I told her I wS heading down and she said (jokingly), "oh, so your following me" i chuckled and said I guess so, and thanked her for reminding me. Then I ended the conversation by saying "see ya later"
So I could us some advice. W mentioned a couple of days ago about taking kids pumpkin picking at a local farm. She said "if you want to go" kinda as "whatever". I didn't really say anything about it. She mentioned it again today about taking the kids tomorrow when D15 is here. She is at a band competition today.
So my question is should I go? BEFORE YOU BLAST ME ABOUT SPENDING TIME WITH THE KIDS, this is my Predicament. I am taking them to the museum today while she is getting her hair done and school work. After the museum, the kids and I are going grocery shopping.
I'm torn on why she mentioned it to me. Was it because she just wants me there for the kids, or are my 180s and detachment showing a little. Strictly speaking for DBing, if I go doesn't that go against my detachment, or is an opportunity to show some 180s!!!! SO CONFUSED!
Tough call. I think that you should go and focus on the children, not your W. You are going to have a nice afternoon with your kids. Let your W wonder what is going on in your head. At the same time, I think that it is perfectly fine to let yourself have fun. I just wouldn't bend over backwards to make this about you and your W. You don't want it to appear as if she is doing you a favor by inviting you.
It's a tough balancing act. I've been there. Plenty.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
So I got home from the museam and grocery shopping with the kids. We had a great time. I have to be the most blessed person in the world because of them alone.
So when we got home, about 7:30 pm, the kids and I unloaded the groceries and brought them into the house. I was unloading the bag and the W was making small talk. I politely answered but tried hard not to start any conversations. I was very upbeat because of the great time I had with the kids. I continued to talk to the kids while I put away the groceries. She kinda stood around so I asked if she would put hot dogs on for the kids. She almost had this attitude like "huh, you want me to do something?" I didn't say anything, just continued to put away groceries and clean out the refrigerator to make room. While unloading, I asked the kids which day of the week they wanted to pick what's for dinner. Every person gets a day to pick. As I was writing what the kids wanted on their day, the W made a snide comment as if she were offended. It was something to the effect of, (paraphrasing of course) "are you making the dinner because you think I'm not here, or what?" I stopped what I was doing and told her that I was planning to make dinner because one, I like making dinners for and with the kids, and second, "you" are gone every evening for school/internship.
Throughout the next few minutes, the conversation between us kind of deminished. Then she said something that kind of upset me. She said " well, I had planned on spending time with the kids today but,.... Well anyway, since I had thought I would spend time with the kids today, (female friend) and I made plans and she is gonna pick me up in a little while. (I will give you a run down of the days events in a minute). I told her "oh, well I had plans as well, but no worries. I would rather stay here with the kids. So no problem" then she started in " see, our communication [censored] and blah blah blah" as if just to blame me. I said its two ways and I agreed. Then I made a comment like, "well, I was trying to work on that" and left it at that!! Then she went and got ready and left. Didn't really say much as she was leaving, just sat on the couch cuddlin with D4 and boys watching tv.
Now about the day, my day started at about 5 . Got up, made coffee and watched the news. I had planned a run the night before but left my running shoes at work. So about 7 am I rode my motorcycle into work, and ran there. I did 4 miles then went to the gym. While at work, I also paid a few bills, and finished some stuff I had waiting for me at work. I returned home at about 11:45, and W and D15 were heading out the door . D15 had a band competition today. As W was headed back from dropping D off, she said D had took the wrong uniform and she couldn't run home and turn right around to take her the right one. She asked if I could. I said no problem, and ran it to her.as I was leaving the school W texted that she was leaving the house for a hair appointment. She said she was leaving D4 with S11 and S 10. I was only about 15 mins away so I said OK. I had mentioned earlier in the day about my plans to take kids to the museum and grocery shopping without any complaint from her. I told her I know she needed to study for school and she agreed. Then she throws that crap back at me as if I stole the kids away!!!!!
