Back to Square One?

[Wendylon]

H is out and I am dreading his return. Supper with S17, D15 and S13 was really relaxed without him. They no longer question his whereabouts because he is so often absent and elusive.

H said he was going out with an old friend but I'm not sure that is true. The last time he went out with an old friend, he had zero info about his friend and his family's lives. In my experience, when he genuinely sees someone, he always comes back with some morsel of information about their lives. I'm feeling tense already at the thought of him saying that nothing's up with his friend and he has zilch news. I will feel really suspicious. One thing I can count on is that he will smell of alcohol.

I hate this game but I'm determined not to do what I've been doing this past year: questioning, complaining, pursuing... I have got nowhere good this past year so this course of action can't be worse.

The play that he took possible OW to in August is now sold out. D15 wants to go and it pisses me off that H managed to get tickets for himself and OW but not for us. The play is seen through the eyes of an autistic boy. OW knows nothing about autism and we're the ones with the autistic son.

I don't even know if I like H anymore. I feel more relaxed when I'm far from him (either me away or him away). I feel anxious when we're in the same place but he's off being secretive. I felt relaxed during supper but the tension is building up as he'll probably be home in not too long--at least if he sticks to when he said he'd be home. I don't like the idea of separating/divorcing and all the logistics that would go with that. I'd hate to have to see the kids less and I'd probably have to deal with H at his bitterest. My parents got D when I was 13 and I wouldn't wish it on any child of mine. I feel as if all options are unpalatable: (1)carrying on and (2)instigating a separation both have their downsides.

I wonder how long it will take for H to notice that I'm no longer questioning him the way I used to.

We've been invited out as a family for supper tomorrow. At least, I know he'll be with us then but he said he wished the invitation wasn't still in place. We were invited months ago so there was a chance that the hosts had forgotten.