So had a great session with IC yesterday. He listened intently on my planned conversation, played devil's advocate quite a bit and tried to figure out ways to derail me and help me out.
He agrees that the conversation is definitely a good idea for myself and for our R.
He tweaked it a bit and suggested that I don't have the conversation right off the bat when I walk in the door and see W. Instead, he suggested that I go about my usual "coming home" routine and then begin going about helping W like she'd asked. He suggests that pretty much as soon as I begin helping her, I throw the ball in her court by asking "So What's going on with all this?"
He suggested that I see if she's in a place that she wants to open up about where she is, which we both doubt will happen. Then, feel free to show a little "edge", a little (read: LITTLE) bit of anger over the situation and her unwillingness to clue her H in on what's going on.
This will almost certainly lead to an easy opening to have the conversation. IF somehow it goes in a different direction, I'll simply listen to what she has to say and have the conversation the next morning before her room mate gets down to finish off the packing.
I definitely like this approach, as it puts the onus on her to explain herself and her actions and leaves a natural path to the conversation without it feeling forced or confrontational.
I'd go into more details, but I'm short on time this afternoon.
Your response to my previous post is good stuff AT! Glad to hear it.
As far as how this conversation goes down... well, I disagree with your IC. Respectfully of course. I realize that he is professionally trained of course. And I am not. LOL! So take my opinion, based on my own experiences, for what it is worth.
I disagree with him because I do not think what you want to do here is have a relationship talk. And that is what his suggested approach will lead to.
I believe that what you should be doing here is making a one time declaratory statement.
"W, I need to say something to you so that I know that you understand where I stand with everything that is going on with us. I'm only going to say it one time. I want to be with you. I want our marriage to work. I vowed to be faithful to you, to be with you through good times AND bad, and to spend the rest of my life with you. FOR NOW, my intention is to make good on my vows because they are important to me, but also because I meant them. Whether you see it or not, I AM fighting for you and this marriage. Everyday I am fighting. However, I know about OM and your R with him. It is inappropriate and disrespectful to our M, to me, and to yourself. I will not be a part of it. And I will not be an active part of your life as long as there are ANY OMs in your life. If and when that part of your life changes and you are ready to talk about saving this marriage, I would be open to having that discussion. In the meantime, I think that it is important that you continue to leave me be so that I can live my life. Thank you for listening. It was nice seeing you. Have a good night."
That's it.
If she denies OM... go with the Starsky suggestion.. "don't insult me. I know."
If she asks you how you know... "That is not important W"
If she asks you if you are dating anyone... "You know longer have the right to ask me such questions W." You just told her that you are respecting your vows, so you'd think that she be able to figure the answer... but for some reason, my W didn't believe the vows statement and asked anyway.
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That statement says everything that you need to say. You never have to repeat it again. Your W will no basis to ever tell you that she does now know where you stand.
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My thought on hearing what W has to say about where she stands with things... Who gives a F?
If you get into that, she's going to say that she is done with the M, that she wants a divorce, that she is happier now, that you and she should never have gotten married... blah, blah, blah... yada, yada...
It does not matter. It doesn't change the facts. And my belief is that she is delusional right now about her present circumstances... Most of them are. As I previously said, this can change at any given time.
So who cares?
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I do agree that you should do this after letting her into the house and letting her pack her crap up. BTW, while that is going on, just have surface conversation about anything BUT you, her, or your M. Talk about the dog, the weather, the presidential election, etc.
Those are my thoughts AT.
When is this going down? This weekend?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
