First off, thank you guys for all the responses. Denver and Starsky, Don't worry... I WON'T be asking her to stay. Just journaling a little bit there, getting my insecurities out there if for no other reason than to see them written and realize what a pipe dream they are.
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
My other thoughts AT...
Listen man, I know EXACTLY how you feel right now. Been there... done it.
Hard to tell you this, but you are right... your W has absolutely no interest in reconciling with you...
RIGHTNOW
She may never. However, I can tell you from experience... things with this can change in a NY second.
The question is... do you want to be there if and when they do?
I have no doubt that your W believes that she is very content with what she is doing now... she may even believe that she is happier.[quote]
You're right Denver. I'm pretty positive that she DOESN'T want to be with me right now. Hell, if she did, she wouldn't be coming down to pack her stuff and take it away... She'd be coming down WITH her stuff!
I also know that there's no definite, no permanent, no feeling that isn't fluid in this situation. For both me and W. Yes, thing can change in a NY minute.
And there is STILL no doubt in my mind that I want to be here if and when W realizes that I'm the one.
[quote=Denver_2010]But
THAT is because the shine and luster of her 'new' life is still there. It's kind of like a person who goes out and buys a brand new Kia. The paint is shiny. It has that new car smell. The engine sounds like a million bucks. There are no nicks or scratches. That brand new Kia seems WAY better than the car that the person just traded in. That car was reliable, but it is now old news. But it was once new too. And once the Kia gets a couple of scratches, the paint job begins to fade, and that new car smell is replaced by the smell of old food crumbs that fell under the seat... well, it won't seem any nicer than the old reliable car that is now gone. In fact, that old car may be missed... because we all know that Kias are crappy Korean cars.
Get my drift?
This is a fantastic metaphor!
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Chatter talks about this being a cheeseless tunnel. Maybe it is. If you wait this out... wait for your W to realize that her 'new' life is not all flowers, glitter, and unicorns, she may begin to turn back towards you. I don't know. It is what happened for me. But I would not be where I am now had I looked at as a cheeseless tunnel.
But each person has to decide the amount of pain and dejection that they can take.
Before, All things being equal, I would have said that there was NO WAY that I would have stuck around if my W left me and dated another man. But my situation was such that I knew that I had not given my W my best... I knew that I had contributed greatly to her choices. So that was one reason that I decided to wait it out.
The other? I realized that this life is hard. We all have periods of weakness... periods when we think that what we are doing is right when, in fact, they are not. We all make mistakes... we are human. I realized that my W was no different. I realized that she needed to learn and grow just as much as I did.
So I chose understanding... I decided to love her unconditionally. I decided to take the risk that my tunnel would end up having no cheese. 18 months...
At the end of that time, I KNEW that I had made the right choice... even as I was completing divorce paperwork. I knew that regardless of what happened with my M that I was better off for STANDING for my M and doing everything in my power to save it. I am not just saying that. I really did. I had walked through the gates of hell and suffered more, emotionally, than I knew possible...
And I survived and had come out of it truly a better man. I proved my mettle ... to myself.
I can't promise you what will happen with your M, and I agree that it looks bleak right now. But I simply cannot NOT support you in sticking with this to the end.
IMO, you keep doing what you are doing. You be STRONG and have this conversation. Set this boundary for yourself. You continue to live your life for YOU... You find some peace and happiness. But you do not give up.
These are my feeling EXACTLY! Hell we've all made plenty of mistakes in our lives and we've all made poor choices. Who would I be if I couldn't look beyond those mistakes?
But I must say I AM DONE.
I'm done holding myself blameless in the demise of my relationship. (I was done with this a while ago actually). I've taken many an inventory of the things I did, the changes I made throughout our marriage that contributed to MUTUAL unhappiness... Getting a little too comfortable, taking some things for granted, cutting down on spontaneity, not realizing that I wasn't feeding into HER love lanugage, being too quick to dismiss things that she complained about so far as her unhappiness...
The list goes on, and although it hurts sometimes to see all the things I didn't do, It's also beautiful that I'm in a place in my life that not only do I see them now... I can CHANGE them permanently... Not because I need to get back into this particular relationship, but because in order to have a better relationship with MYSELF, I know I can work on these things and make definite improvements that will help me in every aspect of my life.
I absolutely don't hold W blameless in this situation, but I spent a long time focusing on the things SHE did that hurt me and not growing from this. I'm done with that.
I've been given an opportunity to become a better man, and I'm thankful for that. I absolutely hope that my W sees this one day and that she wants to work on our R. But it won't be the end of me if she doesn't.
