I am once divorced and found "The Divorce Remedy" too late but I have read it and tried to keep in mind all that it teaches...though emotions do cause problems with staying on track.
I am 30 with no children and back in May 2012 I got into a serious relationship with a 28 year old mother of 3 who is twice divorced.
As usual, things were great at first, plenty of chemistry and we both couldn't wait to see the other. Sex came naturally and we both enjoyed it very much. Due to some circumstances outside of our control we ended up rushing to live together and by the end of June her and the kids and her sister were living in my house.
She lost her unemployment and her and her sister were (and still are unable) to find suitable employment. Let the stress begin as finances and domestic life get in the way.
Going into July we were still doing ok but things were more stressful because of the finances and me learning to be around children. We take a trip to the beach at the end of July and things don't go well b/c a storm rolled in and cost got out of hand.
Rolling into Aug the stress and tension keeps building. Sex starts to dry up and that argument begins. She feels that all I'm after is sex and not a real relationship.
End of Aug I take a trip by myself to visit my parents. When I get back we are doing so-so, we have a good day the day after I return but some of the same issues start creeping up again.
When I attempt to "Act As If" she says that I am just pretending that nothing happened, that things don't just get fixed overnight. I ask to spend time with her on weekends and she just keeps telling me I'm miserable and she'd rather go out by herself with her friends......which she does frequently and I get angry about it.
These are the patterns which keep repeating..."more of the same" on both our parts. I keep trying to break the pattern but it only seems to last a couple of days at most. She keeps saying that all we do is fight and now I feel like all she does is push me and prod me and try to pick a fight.
I try being independent one weekend and going out alone. I don't really want to tell her what I'm up to b/c I'm trying to create mystery. She accuses me of cheating.
Over this past weekend I thought she was cheating on me b/c of stuff I find on Facebook and I confronted her about it while she was at a wedding where the guy was at. She tells me that she isn't, that it is just a running joke with her friends. People start talking and she hears that I've kicked her out which I didn't. She comes home very late after drinking and is very aggressive when we talk about what is going on.
A couple of days later the guy comes to me and tells me that it was all a ruse to get his ex-girlfriend to leave him alone. They didn't tell me b/c they didn't want me getting upset. She tells me that she needs a boyfriend that trusts her and I'm snooping on her.
I decide that I am becoming the kind of person I don't want to be and I do my best to cast out doubt. I figure, at least if she is cheating on me and the relationship ends I'll still feel good about the kind of person I am...though I can't cast out all doubt. We kind of put the matter to rest.
Monday morning we start arguing about her sister. I finally lose control and yell at her until she cries. She's hurt and upset that I yelled at her and it's even worse b/c it isn't something she did.
She has shut down now, she is very distant. She attempts to be polite to me but that's it. If I do anything even slightly wrong it turns into a fight. Sometimes I lose it and get a nasty tone, though I'm do all I can not to yell again.
I tried "Act As If" because I wasn't sure what else to do. I wanted to show her that I still love her, that I just want to be happy with her and when I'm around her. She hasn't been feeling well and doesn't really want to be touched by anybody, but I've still attempted light, loving, non-sexual touch at times. Sometimes she gets distant and sometimes she accepts it without comment, but she doesn't touch back. When leaving for work or going to bed I've kissed her on the cheek and tell her I love her...she just doesn't respond. Sometimes she'll say, "I never said you don't love me."
She had previously told me it is important, no matter how upset or how much fighting, to always say "I love you." So yesterday I ask her why she doesn't say it and I ask if she still loves me. She evades the question throughout the day. Last night there is a spat about the dog/kids. Once the lights are out I ask her when we are going to talk about what I asked.
She asks me how she is supposed to feel? She just doesn't know right now. After some back and forth she asks, "have I ever once told you I don't love you?" I say, "no." Pretty much, I take this as "I love you but I'm not in love with you."
So right, taking that I should go to "Last Resort Technique" but overnight I cuddle up to her and she doesn't stop me. The reason I do this is b/c I realize she's hurting and I need to do loving thins, push love buttons, charm her heart, just try to console her without judgement and try to lift her self esteem back up b/c she feels I'm always putting her down. This morning I help with getting the kids to school b/c she still doesn't feel well. I lay back down with her for a nap before work and cuddle up to her...once again she doesn't stop me.
After I'm up for work I check Facebook and stuff I posted on her wall is gone but other peoples remain. I ask her and she starts fighting with me b/c "it's just Facebook" and wondering why it's so important. I tell her that she had always said not to hide a relationship and I'm posting positive stuff. She says our relationship isn't back to that place and I tell her I'm trying to get it there.
I tell her I don't see how me being distant will help, that I'm doing loving things. She says that she is distant and I tell her very distant. She says she has a right to be and that this is how the relationship will be until she gets over certain things. She's telling me that I was all over her (cuddling up) like everything is ok.
I go get ready for work and she comes downstairs. It was raining and I need to take the motorcycle to work while she takes the car and she has a class tonight that will run later than what I am working. She says, "do you need taken to work?"
I, in an admittedly huffy tone, say, "nope, I'll ride." She says, "I try and do something nice and..." I say, "I appreciate the offer but how will I get home?"
She says, "I forgot, I'm allowed to forget sometimes. You could've said, 'thanks hun but remember your class' it's the way you talk to me. This is what I mean (sarcastically says love)" She heads upstairs but then calls to me and nicely tells me I can get ready.
I go up and with the bathroom door open strip down for my shower and dry off the same way, just curious if she would look/say anything about seeing me nude but doesn't look right at me or say anything.
I finish getting ready downstairs while she gets ready upstairs. Before leaving I go to her and nicely tell her to have a nice day and hope her class goes well. She tells me to have a nice day. That's it, I'm not pushing her on anything throughout the day through text or phone calls.
Here's where I'm lost, "Last Resort Technique" says to stop saying "I love you", to stop the chase, to basically stop trying to win your partner over. When I do that, yeah, she's polite but it all seems superficial. I had one point I had even said to her that I'm tired of living like roommates (over a month without sex and basically no intimacy in that time period either).
What really throws me is that when I cuddled up to her overnight and this morning she didn't stop me. She hasn't stop quick, light, non-sexual touch. She hasn't stopped me from kissing her on the cheek. She doesn't freak out when I say "I love you". It seems like in one way she wants me to "Act As If", to keep doing all those things...then it seems like at the same time she wants me to just stop.
I know it's just dating, I know it may end, hell I might end it if this keeps up much longer. For now though, I want to do all I can to make it work. What thoughts and suggestions does everybody have?
