Hey bustingout, good to hear from you and thanks for your response. Great to hear that you’re staying strong. As I am sure you can agree, that’s very commendable of you. In regards to the kids, you know how difficult it is!!!! My heart just sinks, my poor son!!!!! You see, daughter doesn’t quite get the ramifications of all this. I love BOTH my kids more than anything but my son, that’s my boy!!!! He’s so frekin awesome. The bond between us is so strong, it’s just amazing. Having children is the best thing in life, bar none, hands down.
I hate to see him play video games non stop for hours when he’s with W but WTF am I going to do. All I can do is influence him and give him guidance when it’s my time to have the kids. I live in the Pacific Northwest and we have some great fishing out here. I am going to take him Salmon fishing sometime soon.
In my book, I can rarely justify divorce. There’s only a couple scenarios where it’s truly a viable option. There’s nothing worse than two separated or divorced parents arguing and bad mouthing one another. What a horrible situation to put the kids in. I am glad there’s not extreme animosity between W and I. I don’t think we let our emotions get the best of us. I have every intention to keep this stance regardless of what happens between W and I. The kids come first!
I am at one of the lowest points in my life but you know what, I feel very blessed to still be somewhat level headed. I am also very thankful that God is in my life and I am closer to him then I’ve ever been before. I pray that God looks over W, cares for her, keeps her healthy, helps her find happiness and guides her to make the right decisions and to be the best mother possible.
I am starting to go out with my friends more. Most of them would condone me getting busy with some hotty. You see, I go out with friends and put myself in situations that could get me in trouble, especially if I’ve had to many drinks. This is how I look at it. I am almost 100% confident that W has been with someone else. I am GUESSING that it’s nothing long term but who knows, all this stuff can always change.
I don’t want to be unfaithful regardless of what W does. I just need to be very careful because I could do something that I shouldn’t. I won’t be inviting friends over for a game of chess or crap like that. I will continue to go out with friends and have a great time, I just need to be responsible, stay strong and be very mindful of the decisions I make.
I am aware to keep keep my eye on the end goal and I need to clearly understand that what I do right now can dramatically affect my future.
Wow Rough, it's like we're living the same life sometimes! I too have this same issue with most of my friends, especially the married ones! They're constantly urging me to hook up with this one or that one or this friend... And it would be SO easy to do that. But while it would be fun for a few hours, the next day wouldn't be good. We're fighting too hard to sabotage our fragile mental states at this point... Or at least that's the case in my sitch.
And the whole having a few too many drinks thing... well I've been there myself more than a few times, and while the walls start to come down a bit, I'm always able to refrain from doing anything that I'd regret.
Keep up the good fight. And keep going out with your friends and living it up, as that's what this time is all about!
Saw W for the kids exchange. As usual, it was very brief. We talked about the kids then I asked her “how’s it going ?”, she responds with, “it’s going ok, how are you?”. I said “I am good.” Just a bunch of nothing if you ask me! I think she’s hurting when she says “I am ok” I probably should of said “I understand” oh well. As Acc says, it’s “distance chicken” and for now, I don’t plan on budging.
W texted me and left me a vm, it had to do with the kids and finances, nothing pressing though. I will be methodically responding with a short text around midnight tonight, I think I got that from AT or Denver a while ago, thanks guys!
Oh, I have some good news, I should be getting a bonus soon, that’s flat out awesome! It should be thousands and believe me, it’s much needed because I’ve been just treading water. When we separated 5 months ago W and I agreed that I will be giving her 25% of any bonus money. I have no problem with this because that’s what we agreed on.
I need to be very careful with the money. I’ve gone without for so long that I value the all mighty coin much more now! I need to be very methodical with any spending. Some of you might know that I took a major verbal beating a couple months ago for dishing out less than 100.00 for a much needed upgraded cell phone because my old one was on life support.
Do I ever know what you guys are talking about. I live in a country where westerners are a prize for most women so the temptation has been constant.
The thing is, as busting said, the only reason I'd do it would be for emotional/physical closeness, which I miss an awful lot right now, and this just wouldn't be right.
Besides, even though our Ss are (or might be) having A (EA,PA or whatever other kind of A there is) and don't seem to think there is anything wrong with it (in my case she told me that in her mind, we weren't married anymore), I have a feeling that if W found out I was, she'd freak and use that as THE excuse for filing for Divorce.
Strange world we find ourselves in, isn't it?
Rough, I agree with you on the kids. Thanks God for them. My girl is what keeps me in line.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
In my book, I can rarely justify divorce. There’s only a couple scenarios where it’s truly a viable option. There’s nothing worse than two separated or divorced parents arguing and bad mouthing one another. What a horrible situation to put the kids in. I am glad there’s not extreme animosity between W and I. I don’t think we let our emotions get the best of us. I have every intention to keep this stance regardless of what happens between W and I. The kids come first!
You may or may not be able to CONTROL this(the divorce) If they want it bad enough they will get it. It is one more cheesless tunnel that they must go down. It takes two to argue. One can have an arguement but if the other does not participate then it is much harder to continue.
Originally Posted By: roughenough
Hi Cadet, I just wanted to let you know that I read a lot of your posts, I really think you have a lot to offer to the people that need help on this site. I really liked the link you used earlier today on someone else’s thread, it's the one about detachment, I see why you empathize the subject. Thanks again for all the help you provide.
Rough
I have lots of links and have read lots of books and threads here. I can only encourage you to do the same. It has given me lots of comfort. We are not the first or last to go through this. Others that have come before gave me comfort. I know that I can PAY that debt forward and help ones after me with the same thing.
Embarrassing fact. House is in both our names and it’s currently in foreclosure. Respectfully, I don’t need any advice regarding selling, modification, saving, short sale, etc….In simple terms, we are past that point, none of that is happening.
Currently W is renting apartment on a 9 month lease and she’s 5 months into it. W told me several months ago that I could stay in the house as long as I want and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. My GUESS is a sale date could be established at any time however I have no idea when that will be. It could be a month from now or a year from now, I have no idea. One thing I do know, my W is a HUGE “planner.” Once again though, I cant read into things.
Here’s a message I just received from W.
From W: “Do you know when you have to leave the house and where you and dog are going?”
I really want to decipher the logic behind it but I know that might be impossible. Part of me want to simply reply, “Hey W, why do you ask?” However I think that might come across a bit “weak.”
By asking her “why” might give me additional insight for a proper response. Yes, this is all “basic” communication and I gotta do some of this on my own but I’ve never gone through this sh!it before and as I’ve said before, some of the decisions and actions that I make right now will heavily impact the future. Plus this discussion is about my living situation so it's BIG stuff!
BTW, I’ve been VERY distant from W. I feel I’ve shown very little compassion. I am pretty short with her and she knows it’s evident that I don’t have a lot of time to talk with her. This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently. It’s good and bad, it’s a fine line that I am walking and I know that I need to leave the door SLIGHTLY open. Don't get me wrong though, I always smile around her and generally I am always upbeat. The good news is that it protects my emotions a bit!
I sent her a brief text last night at 1:00 AM. She also knows I am “busy” tomorrow night because she wanted me to watch the kids on one of the nights that's not my night. Just kinda putting everything together for you guys so you get the picture. Thanks in advance for suggestions.
“Hey W- I’ve received no contact from the mortgage company. Several months ago you and I had some correspondence and it was mentioned that I could stay in the house as long as I like and those are my intentions.”
The thing is, as busting said, the only reason I'd do it would be for emotional/physical closeness, which I miss an awful lot right now, and this just wouldn't be right.
Brother, can I ever relate! My LL is "physical touch" and the few months I've gone without it has been sheer torture. A buddy of mine gave me a number to a lady that gives "full body sensual massages", I told him I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet, LOL!
Originally Posted By: roughenough
BTW, I’ve been VERY distant from W. I feel I’ve shown very little compassion. I am pretty short with her and she knows it’s evident that I don’t have a lot of time to talk with her. This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently. It’s good and bad, it’s a fine line that I am walking and I know that I need to leave the door SLIGHTLY open. Don't get me wrong though, I always smile around her and generally I am always upbeat. The good news is that it protects my emotions a bit!
Well detaching is good DB'ing, but it sounds like you may be taking it just a little too far. When you say you've been "short" with her, that sounds like rudeness or lack of interest. I think these are from one of Michele's books, I copied them when someone else posted them in a forum, pay particular attention to the first one and ask yourself if you're doing this:
- successful DBers cherish their spouse and show a great deal of compassion. THey almost always keep their pain to themselves... they "act as if" things are normal in their life. -- successful DBers are outstanding listeners. They let their spouse do 80% of the talking when there is dialog. When they speak they speak 'lovingly' with candor and honesty. -- successful DBers validate their spouse's feelings even when they disagree with them. -- successful DBers have clarity about their life and their goals. -- successful DBers make a commitment to be in this for the long-term. They know that this will take time. So they become the master of patience. They make time their friend. -- successful DBers also make sure they focus on themselves in every way.
Also remember this DB tip:
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
Originally Posted By: roughenough
BTW, here's another way that I might respond.
“Hey W- I’ve received no contact from the mortgage company. Several months ago you and I had some correspondence and it was mentioned that I could stay in the house as long as I like and those are my intentions.”
How about this: "I’ve received no contact from the mortgage company, so I plan on staying here until I hear otherwise."
Short and to the point and it makes no mention of an agreement between you and W.
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I too have this same issue with most of my friends, especially the married ones! They're constantly urging me to hook up with this one or that one or this friend... And it would be SO easy to do that. But while it would be fun for a few hours, the next day wouldn't be good. We're fighting too hard to sabotage our fragile mental states at this point... Or at least that's the case in my sitch.
