I was cleaning out some files and came across a letter I typed to myself a few months ago. I thought this thread, that I started in order to capture some of what I'd learned, would be a good place to share it ...
***********************
Dear “just bombed” ME,
There is so much I wish I’d known, and been able to understand and process, right back when the bomb dropped. Most of this you are probably not going to want to hear, but here goes ...
Life is not over, ending, or anything close. Right now what you are feeling is intense FEAR.
What is happening to Jason is NOT your fault. PERIOD. You didn’t break him and you can’t fix him. Now that’s not to say that you don’t bear any responsibility for what’s happening ... you are responsible for your issues ... and sweetie ... you’ve got ‘em in spades. Right now, THAT is what you need to focus on, because ultimately the only person you can control is YOU.
Where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire ... or in other words, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck ... it’s probably a duck. That friendship you don’t trust, probably isn’t just a friendship. Trust actions, not words.
The kids will be fine. You are going to take the high road and do right by them, regardless of how hard that is. That does mean that you can or should use them as an excuse to make contact, keep him home or guilt him in anyway. They will thrive because they are loved and respected.
There is no justification or rationalization that is going to satisfy you about how he can do this ... there is no answer for WHY? that will make you happy. It is what it is. Rest assured that he has not come to this decision lightly, or overnight. That is not your focus anymore.
Watching his every move and trying to calculate what they mean to your situation is pointless and takes away from the time you spend focussed on you. There is no single magic word, action, or response that will “fix” this. The sooner you come to terms with the fact that it is broken, over, done ... your marriage as you knew it, is over, the better.
Being “alone” won’t kill you. Yes, you are an extrovert and yes you need people. Unplug sometimes. The faster you learn to rely on yourself, to move furniture or soothe yourself emotionally (and yes I still struggle with this sometimes!) the better off you’ll be.
You are strong. Stronger than you ever knew ... you are kind and loving and beautiful. You did the best you could with what you knew and you need to forgive yourself, first and foremost. You are bigger than your insecurities and your fears. It’s time to shed them ... once and for all. Time to figure out who you really are, what you want. It won’t be easy. You will struggle with many things ... but remember, always remember, that this path is worth walking.
Believe me when I tell you that you that one day you will be grateful for this journey.
**********************
I hope everyone is well! And I promise to try to check in more often
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
