Hello! So sorry you're here, but rest assured there are plenty of shoulders to lean on and plenty of people who can relate to your sitch And there is ALWAYS hope! First, don't try to talk him out of leaving. If you've read DB and DR then you know that applying pressure to him is the last thing you want to do. Don't argue, don't cry, don't pitch a fit, just validate his emotions (say things like "it sounds like you're frustrated here, I'm sorry you feel that way and I support your decision"). Work on yourself. Change yourself. Make a list of what hasn't worked in the M and do 180's on those things. Change your clothes, your hair style. Lose weight if you need to, whiten your teeth. Reach out to friends, get a life! You might also want to read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" which reflects DB concepts as well. In Dobson's words, if the spouse wants to leave they feel like they are caged in, and if you throw that cage door open then suddenly they're no longer trapped and all the pressure to leave is gone.
Do NOT pursue him. Pull back. This is addressed in Michele's book and Dobson's. If you pursue, he runs away. If you pull back, he stops, and may even pursue you.
Bottom line, quit waiting for him. Work on YOU. Initially you'll do it for him, but the more you do it the more it will be for yourself until you realize you're going to be fine with or without him. THAT is the point that the wayward spouse often starts questioning whether they're doing the right thing or not.
"Part of his unhappiness, he says, has come from the routines, schedules and stresses of daily family life. I cannot see how someone in a very similar life situation could make him think he would be happier."
You're quite right, he is delusional if he thinks things will be better with an OW with two kids. He thinks he's running away from schedules and stress? ROTFLOL!!! He's in for a rude awakening!
And there is ALWAYS hope! First, don't try to talk him out of leaving. If you've read DB and DR then you know that applying pressure to him is the last thing you want to do. Don't argue, don't cry, don't pitch a fit, just validate his emotions (say things like "it sounds like you're frustrated here, I'm sorry you feel that way and I support your decision"). Work on yourself. Change yourself. Make a list of what hasn't worked in the M and do 180's on those things. Change your clothes, your hair style. Lose weight if you need to, whiten your teeth. Reach out to friends, get a life! You might also want to read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" which reflects DB concepts as well. In Dobson's words, if the spouse wants to leave they feel like they are caged in, and if you throw that cage door open then suddenly they're no longer trapped and all the pressure to leave is gone. 