Can This Be Salvaged?

[Denver_2010]

Denver thanks for posting. You and Mr Bond may be right about the intimacy but I'm not so sure. Ever since Monday I've been feeling down and I believe it's been mostly due to me starting to worry about how we are going to pay for things and it seems like my wife has been short with me. Last night on my way to my friends house I called my wife to ask her if there was a problem since she seems real short with me the past few days. She said everything is fine and asks what is wrong with me. I told her I would talk to her later about it.

You admit that you have been down (depressed?) the past several days. Man, who do you expect to be upbeat and happy around someone who is like that all of the time? Let alone want to be intimate with that person??

Sounds to me like one of your 180's needs to be mood enhancement. You need to figure out how to put your stress and worries aside. There is a time to be worried and stressed, and a time to put that aside and be happy about the things that you do have in this life... errr... your wife??

Listen, I TOTALLY get this. It was a HUGE factor in what led to the breakdown of my M as well. I would go to work and be stressed that my business was suffering from the economic downturn (at that time)... then I'd go home and be down and depressed about my W and I's debt. I was "down" MOST of the time. That could not have been fun for my W.

Home at night with your W is a place and time that you should let yourself be happy and fun to be around. It is not the place and time that all of your problems are going to be solved.

Happiness is a choice. Make it.

Denver I would love to talk to her about letting go of the past but I think she is more stuck there than your wife is. I want to move forward and leave the past where it belongs but it appears she can't let go and I fully understand why she is that way. I am the one who has shown her that I have gone back time and again to past behaviors.

Then stop. You can't change her or her choice to focus on the past. The only person that you CAN control is YOU. So...

Change your behaviors. These are your 180's. IMO, from what I've read about your sitch, your 180's should be:

1) learn how to be happier and fun to be around - how were you when your W first fell in love with you? I bet it was NOT down and depressed. Go back to that. Be THAT person. If you suffer from depression go back to your doctor and talk about a new med. I had to do that. BTW, I found wellbutrin to be great. Maybe give it a shot.

2) Compartmentalize your life some. There is a time for work, a time to be stressed, a time to worry... but there is also a time to put that stuff aside and enjoy the things that you do have going for you. Your WIFE, your friends, your softball league, etc. Learn to separate these things.

3) TRUST - it seems to me that BOTH you and your W have some trust issues that you have both contributed to. If I were you, I would become an open book ASAP. Volunteer to your W what you are doing, when you will be home, who you are with, who you are talking to... "W, I'm heading to my buddies house for a few hours. Will be home by x:xx. Can't wait to be home with you. Love you!" AND THEN STICK TO IT. DO NOT DISAPPOINT HER.

Listen to this... YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO BE TRUSTED... ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE DONE THINGS UNTRUSTWORTHY...

TRUST IS SOMETHING THAT IS EARNED.

*** YOU need to take the lead on ALL of this. Why? Because YOU and YOUR actions/choices are the ONLY things that you control. Look in the mirror and decide what you would like to change about yourself to become the man that you want to be in this life. Not for your W, but for YOU. And then do it... work at it.

CONSISTENT CHANGE + SUFFICIENT TIME = CHANGE THAT YOU W CAN TRUST

And this WILL take time and patience on your part. It won't happen over night. Hell, it took me 18 months. Is your W worth it?

Lastly, one of my favorite mantras during my sitch... and even to this day is:

"Be the change that you want to see"

You canNOT change someone or force them to change... You CAN show them how to change by doing it yourself!!

I repeat... YOU CAN SHOW SOMEONE HOW TO CHANGE BY DOING IT YOURSELF

As far as Dbing goes I have been working out again for the last two weeks. Not to sound stuck up but I used to be built pretty good. Even my sister used to compliment me on how I looked. So I'm determined to get back in shape. I go to my buddies house almost every Friday night. I play softball on Tuesday and Thursday nights with my oldest son in a league. We also play in a league on Sunday mornings. I may be joining a bowling league on Monday nights. I will probably be hanging out more with my one buddy who is recently divorced. I don't follow her around the house like a puppy dog. I don't call or text unless it's important. I haven't told her "I love you" since this all began.

All of that is great. As long as you are also showing your W that she can trust you.

I'm trying to find the balance between being the husband I should have been but also not pursing her. God only knows what she wants.

This is a terribly difficult thing to balance. However, I do NOT think that you are in a position of having to use the Last Resort Technique. In other words, I think that there are some things that you can do that are borderline pursuing. Being happy, flirtatious, and fun... being an open book and offering up reasons for your W to learn to trust you again...

I will leave you with this last thought... this is not going to happen overnight. Shed the expectations. Be prepared to be rejected for a while. But don't react in anger or frustration. Shrug it off and believe that what you are doing with bear fruit in the future.

Google the story of the Chinese Bamboo Tree.

Denver