An Exercise For Forgiveness

[sage]

Logic says that this is another one of those "stages". I for one find this one pretty scary considering how well I know myself. I can lock into distance mode and not even attempt to get out of it

For me the scary part is how long it takes me to figure out I'm in it...I'm wandering around slightly "off" and dwelling on past and future and that isn't a solid kick in the rump? I gotta do this for days on end before I figure it out? harumph.

What I really wish is that I could reach out to h and say "I'm scared"...but there remains a disconnect there at times...he'll say "wake me up if you have a nightmare" or "I want to keep you safe" but when I approach him with fears around his a...his response has been much more along the lines of what I wrote "we should end this you're never going to get over it".

Sigh.

So I just mentally transform the sentence into "I'm afraid that you're never going to get over this (aka forgive me)."

And then I throw myself into loving h as best as I can.

It's rare for me to rebel against breaking out of distance mode once I figure out that I'm in it (now, not KNOWING how to break out of it is a different thing...)...I think that's because I look around in absolute wonder at how lovely my m. is in the present....and the thought of losing that because I pushed him away mostly exceeds the thought of losing that because of other reasons (mostly...but that's where the fear resides, no?).

Sage

[Zoo]

For me the scary part is how long it takes me to figure out I'm in it...I'm wandering around slightly "off" and dwelling on past and future and that isn't a solid kick in the rump? I gotta do this for days on end before I figure it out? harumph.

That is part of it for me too. I feel so inept when this happens and I FINALLY realize WHAT the problem is. I find ineptness in myself to be virtually unacceptable so I end up spending just as much time beating myself up over the ineptness as I did wandering around in the "fog". It gets so waerying at times...which is probably where the "I don't care" attitude is coming from.

It's rare for me to rebel against breaking out of distance mode once I figure out that I'm in it (now, not KNOWING how to break out of it is a different thing...)...I think that's because I look around in absolute wonder at how lovely my m. is in the present....and the thought of losing that because I pushed him away mostly exceeds the thought of losing that because of other reasons (mostly...but that's where the fear resides, no?).

I WISH it were easier for me to rebel against the "distance". My analysis of it is that I am probably trying to "get some of my own back", H held me at a distance for so long , now it's his turn to see how it feels? I use distance as a defense mechanism too, so because H was "off" for a few weeks I am probably feeling the NEED to protect myself "just in case". Since I squashed so much of myself down in order to try and save the M there isn't a whole lot of room left to take in anymore. Even the minor annoyances of everday life have no place to go. I haven't figured out a SAFE way yet to let all of it go...there is so much of it that it is frightening. I know that if I keep it in too much longer though I am liable to blow That won't be pleasant by any means

I look at my M in wonder a lot too and I very much DON'T want to jeopardize any of the good that has come about. I guess it is just a matter of getting around the part of me that has a tendency towards self-destruction.

Hugz,
Zoo

[sage]

Had a great night with h last night...

Had some warm and loving email exchanges while I was at work and he was at school (+)

Met him after he was done for drinks and dinner...had a great chance to talk and catch up. Big positive...he TOLD me that study group friend #2 probably wasn't going to his "all day study session" today...(that leaves him solo with study group friend #1). HONESTY (a BIG +). Another +? MY HONEST reaction was one of total calm ... something like "wow, sounds like FF #2 isn't too into studying"...no gut gripping response....

Last night into this AM lots of hugs and snuggles...the thing I mentioned missing yesterday!!! He even got me a copy of my favorite magazine, too as a surprise...

Today? Cooking class with dad, meeting up with h later. Gonna be a good one.

Focusing on emiting unconditional LOVE!

Sage

[psluke]

Have a great weekend Sage!!!!

You sound in a good place.

[karen812]

Dear Sage,
Hi lady! You sound very good. I haven't been spending as much time as I used to on the bb, and have been sticking to just a few people. It takes so much time!

I keep coming back to yours, sometimes backing away, etc. tbh, I get jealous, but i know I can learn from you. I was just talking to miss Pam. I KNOW that my m can be great too and that my h would be very expressive too if I would just keep from trampling all over him.

I just have such a hard time getting over that hump. You describe it well, you get kind of peevy, start to feel disconnected, then ASSume that h feels disconnected (& discontented) too, even though things are going well. The fear of is this real and will it last kick in. Well, that's usually when I blow it. But, you are really keeping your cool and working THROUGH it.

I also do the scrutinizing (obviously) as a defense mechanism which causes us to feel sad, angry, and insecure. Throwing ourselves into loving unconditionally seems to be the key-it feels wonderful at the time, but why is it so f'in' hard???

I beat myself up too much too. I wish I could just believe that I am good stuff no matter what! Your h has responded very well, and I have a good suspicion that mine will too, if I would just keep it up.

What got you to the point of breaking the cycle? Fear? A DECISION? Facing reality?

It seems to me that since we have similar backgrounds, we have similar issues-not trusting people/that happiness will last/not trusting ourselves. You are doing a GREAT job overcoming these!!

ttys!
karen

[sage]

Work is crazy today...won't be able to check out too many sitchs...wanted to get my positives out there since they definitely keep me positive and feeling good!

Had a great weekend...met h in town Friday night and we had a casual date...Saturday I was off all day with dad (cooking) and then picked up h at school. We had a movie and dinner date...he was super loving and fun and it was a good time all around (+). Sunday we ran errands together in the AM (I love when he comes with me! A +) and then settled in for an afternoon of studying. I can't remember if it was Sat or Sun but h said to me "It's really important to me that you know how much I love you" (big +) at one point...LOTS of verbal reinforcement from h! Yesterday he asked me if he had been neglecting me due to his school (+ that he asked). I gave him my honest answer "no" and some reasons why I didn't feel at all neglected. Then this AM I sent him an email listing 5 reasons -- things that he specifically does every day -- that make me feel loved and not at all neglected! Writing them down to send to him reinforced the idea (over and over and over again) that I am VERY lucky.

Haven't had much time to talk with him today...and we both have school tonight...but tomorrow IS date night...a good thing!

Sage

[minnie1]

Hi Sage,

I love your positives!!!

Then this AM I sent him an email listing 5 reasons -- things that he specifically does every day -- that make me feel loved and not at all neglected! Writing them down to send to him reinforced the idea (over and over and over again) that I am VERY lucky.

I'm sure this does wonders for him as well. He can see what a lucy man HE is!

What delicious Indian recipe did you learn in your cooking class?

Minnie

[psluke]

Good Morning Sage,

I hope your week is going well, the positives certainly sound wonderful!

Have a great day!

[sage]

Hey Ms. Pam,
thanks for the morning sunshine!

Work + school are crazy right now...I'm definitely learning a few more things about time management MUST apply liberally

Lots of positives over the last few days...

1. when I got home last night h started talking to me about the upcoming school year, financial aid forms, etc. It was completely clear that he had it totally under control...had a plan...had made some phone calls to get straight on what needed to happen and when and was completely willing, able and eager to hold the ball or rope or whatever on his own. We had a good talk about what his next steps were...some things that are still open, etc.

Yowza..positive upon positive here! H's commitment to school, his proactiveness about getting stuff DONE, his commitment to helping me/us feel more secure about finances, his taking hold of the sitch but also his SHARING of his ideas and plans....these things could last a WEEK in terms of ticking off positives!

At the tail end of the conversation I said...."wow, I can't believe that we just had a totally normal conversation about money...remember when every conversation about it was uncomfortable?" (Then it occured to me that perhaps I was the only one totally uncomfortable in the past!)...and he said "I think there's a lot of things that we can talk about now that we couldn't before".

YOU BETCHA.

2. had a movie/dinner date last night. Our original plans got messed up but h quickly came up with an alternate plan! Love the resilience! As we were falling asleep last night he said "I really love our dates".

Another YOU BETCHA!

3. I asked h last night if he had time to do a few errands for me today. he said "of course!" and then said "I love running errands for you".

How can I squeeze a YOU BETCHA in here?

Um...are things SO MUCH BETTER in terms of how we work together at home??

YOU BETCHA.

Sage

[psluke]

YOU BETCHA!!!!

It all sounds SOOOOO WONDERFUL!!!!!!