Dear Sage, Hi lady! You sound very good. I haven't been spending as much time as I used to on the bb, and have been sticking to just a few people. It takes so much time!
I keep coming back to yours, sometimes backing away, etc. tbh, I get jealous, but i know I can learn from you. I was just talking to miss Pam. I KNOW that my m can be great too and that my h would be very expressive too if I would just keep from trampling all over him.
I just have such a hard time getting over that hump. You describe it well, you get kind of peevy, start to feel disconnected, then ASSume that h feels disconnected (& discontented) too, even though things are going well. The fear of is this real and will it last kick in. Well, that's usually when I blow it. But, you are really keeping your cool and working THROUGH it.
I also do the scrutinizing (obviously) as a defense mechanism which causes us to feel sad, angry, and insecure. Throwing ourselves into loving unconditionally seems to be the key-it feels wonderful at the time, but why is it so f'in' hard???
I beat myself up too much too. I wish I could just believe that I am good stuff no matter what! Your h has responded very well, and I have a good suspicion that mine will too, if I would just keep it up.
What got you to the point of breaking the cycle? Fear? A DECISION? Facing reality?
It seems to me that since we have similar backgrounds, we have similar issues-not trusting people/that happiness will last/not trusting ourselves. You are doing a GREAT job overcoming these!!
