An Exercise For Forgiveness

[Zoo]

For me the scary part is how long it takes me to figure out I'm in it...I'm wandering around slightly "off" and dwelling on past and future and that isn't a solid kick in the rump? I gotta do this for days on end before I figure it out? harumph.

That is part of it for me too. I feel so inept when this happens and I FINALLY realize WHAT the problem is. I find ineptness in myself to be virtually unacceptable so I end up spending just as much time beating myself up over the ineptness as I did wandering around in the "fog". It gets so waerying at times...which is probably where the "I don't care" attitude is coming from.

It's rare for me to rebel against breaking out of distance mode once I figure out that I'm in it (now, not KNOWING how to break out of it is a different thing...)...I think that's because I look around in absolute wonder at how lovely my m. is in the present....and the thought of losing that because I pushed him away mostly exceeds the thought of losing that because of other reasons (mostly...but that's where the fear resides, no?).

I WISH it were easier for me to rebel against the "distance". My analysis of it is that I am probably trying to "get some of my own back", H held me at a distance for so long , now it's his turn to see how it feels? I use distance as a defense mechanism too, so because H was "off" for a few weeks I am probably feeling the NEED to protect myself "just in case". Since I squashed so much of myself down in order to try and save the M there isn't a whole lot of room left to take in anymore. Even the minor annoyances of everday life have no place to go. I haven't figured out a SAFE way yet to let all of it go...there is so much of it that it is frightening. I know that if I keep it in too much longer though I am liable to blow That won't be pleasant by any means

I look at my M in wonder a lot too and I very much DON'T want to jeopardize any of the good that has come about. I guess it is just a matter of getting around the part of me that has a tendency towards self-destruction.

Hugz,
Zoo