An Exercise For Forgiveness

[sage]

Logic says that this is another one of those "stages". I for one find this one pretty scary considering how well I know myself. I can lock into distance mode and not even attempt to get out of it

For me the scary part is how long it takes me to figure out I'm in it...I'm wandering around slightly "off" and dwelling on past and future and that isn't a solid kick in the rump? I gotta do this for days on end before I figure it out? harumph.

What I really wish is that I could reach out to h and say "I'm scared"...but there remains a disconnect there at times...he'll say "wake me up if you have a nightmare" or "I want to keep you safe" but when I approach him with fears around his a...his response has been much more along the lines of what I wrote "we should end this you're never going to get over it".

Sigh.

So I just mentally transform the sentence into "I'm afraid that you're never going to get over this (aka forgive me)."

And then I throw myself into loving h as best as I can.

It's rare for me to rebel against breaking out of distance mode once I figure out that I'm in it (now, not KNOWING how to break out of it is a different thing...)...I think that's because I look around in absolute wonder at how lovely my m. is in the present....and the thought of losing that because I pushed him away mostly exceeds the thought of losing that because of other reasons (mostly...but that's where the fear resides, no?).

Sage