Not sure if this is going to work

[ESN]

AS, my ex checked out last year this time. (Well more like July 2011). Here we are. He initiated. I changed a lot... We'll see. We still have a "dance" we do, and I am observing how I feel about it. So far, not great. But I know he's working on it and he is trying (I can see the change). I'm just afraid of it.

And then I begin to realize all couples have some "dance" or another. I'll write more later. Would love some thoughts and support. Thanks!

[25yearsmlc]

Before I read your longer email, I'll say this: the pressure is from the belief that I could still be dating and me "mr. right" or take time off to explore where this is going with ExBF


I get that. But everyone has that exact pressure when deciding IF to reconcile or rebuild, etc. IT's "opportunity costs," to put it crassly...

I did want another child.

Yikes... that's sort of getting way way ahead of yourself, isn't it? And even if so, must it be with him?

B/C IF the r isn't sound, then how is your position with another child, any better or less vulnerable than it was a year ago?


And I do feel pressure to work on things with him, in a way. I'm just being honest.

I know that doesn't make sense, no one will agree with that, I should just forget it. But, here's the thing - It's true for me. And I'm being honest.

So maybe it's not as much pressure as I imagined.

So can you say WHY do you want to be with THIS man?

[25yearsmlc]

Wait, 25 - about the resisting and resources, maybe you have me confused with someone else? Sorry.

I was the one literally burnt out on resources - MC, IC, MWD books and audio, all other books and audio, etc. I studied ACT, the Work, read a million R books, etc.

As I recalled it, the Div Busting book was what you had not read and you preferred other approaches. Maybe you read them later.

So not sure what to say about that.

As far as people in RL R's - not many. A few, most seem utterly miserable, distant, going through motions, etc.

well that;s^^^ kind of a big deal. And did you say you never "Fell in love" before or did I misread that?

What will you do differently in this r, so that you are not miserable AND OR

how will you create your own happiness?

Yes, and I don't want to be teaching him anything. But I don't know what your point was around that or what I said to prompt that. No, I don't want to teach.

you said you've researched and learned and read and grown more than he has, implying (to me anyhow) that you'll either have to teach or drag him along to catch up, or be mad or dissatisfied that HE'S NOT really ready enough for you...OR Maybe he really isn't ready or right for you??



I do just want to be a couple who is working to make things work and eventually they work. I don't see anything wrong with that.

nothing is "Wrong" with that.^^
But it does begin with love, unless you live in a culture that has arranged marriages and the pressures and support for those, actually seem to help. But if I recall correctly, neither of you can expect a lot of useful support for this r, or maybe that's changed?

I keep asking you about getting tools for getting to this, e.g., better communication and expectations that can be met, and having time for FUN and committing, and setting goals, etc...and you get vague about it. I do NOT think you can learn it all, in books. I just don't - it's too experiential and behavioral.

You have to have it modelled or know what to envision that makes sense

AND then practice it til it becomes second nature. At least that's what I think.



It's a conscious choice. It's not just left to fate and falling in love and then who knows who will fall out of love. It's working together to create something that we both want - a family - and working out a plan - whether it be with finances or childcare or where we live - that is in the best interest of all.

I agree love is a choice, in part...but if there's no spark, in our culture it tends not to work.

And sparks, well, they're very nice.


ESN--- What would you tell your d if she were in your shoes?

[ESN]

Good questions, 25. I'll think about them and respond soon.

[ESN]

I haven't been posting, one because I'm in overwhelm mode - D isn't sleeping, I needed an entire new wardrobe, I'm going out of town next week, work is crazy, and with ExBF on top of that, it's like WOAH.

But I'm also not posting much b/c every day it changes with ExBF. We have better and better conversations and time spent together and I am starting to realize things that if I wrote about them previously I would have contradicted myself.

Basically, as many of you know, exBF and I came into this relationship pretty fast and with a history of therapy and issues, though thinking we'd "done our work" we had a baby (both of us secretly literally terrified of marriage b/c of what each of us had seen in our own families' marriages) ...

I got PPD, he went into major depression and withdrawl mode. Both of us had super poor coping skills. I raged and felt terrified of everything. He withdrew and felt terriefied of everything. We tried MC, but we were way too insane to even benefit from it.

We really tried. Deep down we just wanted to trust each other, love each other, and be a family, but we were freakshows.

And neither of us could sustain calmness long enough for the other to get it together. We were both in need and desparate.

On top of that, he had some other issues, and I did too. Wow. Fun, right?

The separation for a year (which I previously thought would be permanent) proved to help us a lot. The freakshow of PPD is mostly over for me. I am a different person. I am calmer, more accepting, more tolerant, more realistic, less fearful, less codependent, more independent, more grown up and I know what I want.

I have not been able to say all the same for him b/c I hear him talk, but I haven't seen the behavior, and yet I'm seeing it more and more - yes, he talks a lot and has plans for us and they are all more wonderful than I can say - all my dreams come true - but I am not getting too attached b/c I want to see him in therapy and us really communicating and maintaining closeness and connection, which we seem to be doing pretty well.

We both made time for each other yesterday and went for a walk, which is something I love to do and he came with me. We held hands and talked nonstop the whole time, and just both felt really close and good. He left last night after putting D to bed feeling good. And I put up a few boundaries around my time that he respected. He's been generally open with me - when he used to be moody, open-closed, etc.

What really helped me yesterday was telling someone I know who knew both of us. I thought she was going to be upset when I told her (she's known everything over the past year and all my frustrations, etc. and knew him before we split) and she said, "When you walked in today, I can see excitement on your face and I didn't know why. Now I do." She was happy for us. She said that I need to be strong for him (which is what my own intuition has told me). At least so that he can safely attach to me. If I'm fearful, demanding, needy (like I sometimes feel!) I think it'll scare him and make things tough. She said she observed we were both two people who constantly fed off each other's skittish-ness and fears and but she has hope for us.

She told me to just be calm and reminded me of all my tools, and I felt SOOOOO much better.

After that, I had my own realization that the reason maybe I haven't even been able to see or know or explain how I'm feeling was b/c I was really numb the past week and a half. I was honestly in shock about all this - it's something I really wanted, but maybe wouldn't even admit to myself (was I in denial about wanting it?) and here it is and I think I got so scared of getting hurt, losing it again, being rejected or putting myself out there, I just froze up.

This is my own work - allowing myself to soften, be me, trust, have faith, be vulnerable, feel the love I do for my ex and the hope I have for us and the desire I have for us to be together and let that be okay. It's awfully frightening for me. So right now, I'm just trying to stay focused on allowing that...

[ESN]

25, if you want, I can still answer your questions. I have to run out now. Thanks for the thought-provoking comments and questions and insights..


I just want to say, I did realize that that "enormous pressure" I had mentioned in a previous post was really about the pressure to open up, to let this person in, that I didn't want to "eff" up my daughter anymore - telling my family - more or less it was "enormous pressure" to have it go right.

But I realize I can only control me. And we're not telling D right now, nor are we sleeping together, and I can take it slow and just trust myself....

But a week ago, I was feeling ENORMOUS PRESSURE - I was in a panic.