First, sorry you're in pain and going through this, but based on your post it sounds very salvageable.
Quote:
By the end of June I'm feeling depressed again (I had stopped taking my medication)mostly because I haven't been working.
Did you consult your PCP before stopping or did you do it on your own? Have you started on them again since you're working now? A common problem among depressed men is that we don't want to be on medication, so we just stop taking it when we think we're "well" again. We like to think we can fix ourselves. But often we can't, and in the case of depression we're not just hurting ourselves, we're hurting everyone around us too. Go back to your PCP and get evaluated for depression. Get back on the med's if they recommend it. This could be a huge factor in what you're going through.
Also, have you read DB (or DR) lately or did you last pick it up when you were having trouble last year? If it's been a while then read it again. Pay close attention to the chapter on "more of the same" behavior because reading your detailed post I'm seeing a lot of that from both you and your wife. There's a long history of ya'll reaching out to each other, then pushing each others' buttons, then retreating to lick wounds and seek others for support. That's extremely unhealthy behavior in a marriage.
