An Exercise For Forgiveness

[sage]

Gosh I'm glad it's Friday! It's actually been a good week at work but I'm still yearning for the weekend. Tomorrow I'm taking the first of a two part cooking class with my dad at a local adult education center -- Indian cooking! should be fun and a kind of cool way to spend more time with dad! Got a bunch of homework to do, too, blech and some plans (drinks and dinner, movie, hike) with h.

Positives:
1. had a good night last night. h had study group so I got to fly solo for a bit...went to the library, went to the grocery store to pick up some food I thought he might like, did some errands at home. I picked up h at the train station and we were both so happy to see each other He really IS the master of positive reinforcement!

2. when the alarm went off this AM, h asked me for a big hug. I wish I had been more alert to take advantage of it! this is actually a big deal to me because for a while he was giving me a "wake up hug" every day...those have gradually stopped . I usually get up earlier than he does so I haven't been initiating them myself out of respect for his need for sleep, whatever.

3. h talked a whole bunch about school, his classes, his plans, etc last night. He said a couple of times "am I babbling" which just cracks me up! a) you're not babbling and b) I love listening to you talk!!!

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I'm feeling refreshed and refocused after noticing yesterday that I've been a bit peevy over the last few weeks...it's a gradual mental shift (downward) that takes me a while to notice...the symptoms are that I start feeling really disconnected from h, I start ASSuming that he's uncomfortable or disconnected from me, etc. I'm sure that sounds strange given ALL the good stuff that goes on for us...but it's an internal thing...I start focusing on "is this real", "is this going to go away" etc and start freaking myself out. It REALLY translates into our interactions even though nothing changes outwardly.

Anyway...I finally really noticed what I was doing yesterday...reacting in FEAR -- focusing on the PAST and projecting it into the FUTURE while failing to note the PRESENT. Doing that is the thing that leaves me afraid and angry and yearning for safety and wanting to protect myself at all costs...it's the thing that makes me pull away just a bit...that makes me scrutinize h's actions...that makes me feel sad and insecure.

So...like I said...I was REALLY able to see what I was doing and put it to a stop, I think...I'm very happy about that.

When I can throw myself into loving h unconditionally and without dwelling on past and future, I do much, much better.

I have noticed a couple of things that I think I need to work on..

1. when I do find myself getting stuck...I start feeling angry and resentful of h for his "you're never going to get over this, I think we should divorce" stance...OK...maybe it hasn't been THAT black and white but definitely the last time I was really having a hard time (new years) he did say something along those lines. When I can remember that that's his response to the PAIN of what happened and its aftermath, I do ok...but when I forget that, and start focusing on the "I want credit for how I've done this; I want you to say 'YOU held us together when I didn't want to" -- well, then I get stuck.

I think Soupman would call those "self-cherishing" thoughts...and I'd agree!

Anyway...I hope that ONE day h can say "I'm really grateful for how you helped us get through this" instead of "you're never going to get over this". Patience.

2. I've also found myself stuck in a cycle on non-forgiveness of late...not just towards h....In general, I sometimes find myself dwelling on what happened...it will be some detail that brings it up .. and I start feeling mad and unforgiving...so THEN I try to turn my attention towards how much pain h must have been in, how he said "I thought our m. was over" due to my anger and all that...and I start feeling as though I can't forgive myself

Again...I'm NOT saying that I'm responsible for h's a...I'm not...but I did create so much pain in our m....

I think I need "an exercise for forgiveness"!

Sage