3 years aftet D-Day and i finally registet

[Am I Too Late]

Tomorrow after she gets off work she told me and our boy that she wanted to come over for 2 hours to just visit.

I am making a real nice dinner of fettuccine with garlic Alfredo sauce mixed with mussels, shrimp and scallops and vegetables for dinner along with garlic bread.

Maybe i should make that on another night instead. Geez..... I know she lovesthat. BUT WTF!!!!!

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

Oh, i don't have to be nice. Okay, cancel the dinner plans

Thats how i have always been, maybe not with special dinners, but in many other ways especially in our 1st 8 years together before her mom went into the hospital and she lived on depression at her mom's bedside.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

A couple of nights later after i discovered those texts on December 5th, 2009, and we were sleeping in bed together, i was massaging her back with gentle careful relaxing strokes to enjoy trying to reconnect physically, she turned around crying and emotionally asked me.....

How can you even want yo touch me? I'm nothing but a Liar, a Cheat and a Whore.

I passionately told her that i do not believe that that is truly the real person that she is inside. I know that is not the real you, Honey. You are torn up by grief over your mom dying and are just lost right now and i will be there for you.

We just layed there together with my arms around her to comfort her the remainder of the night.

This was about 4 months before her lathroscopic surgery when i found her secret 2nd cell phone.

At the end of January, 2010, we had a nice Family outing, going to the Field Museum Of Natural History. During a 3-D movie about dinosaurs, she reached over and held my hand. But i had higher expectations for other parts of the tour. She was walking so fast viewing the exhibits, that i felt that we were so far apart that she didnt want to seem to be together with me.

I mentioned that to her and it really ruined that little bit of progress and effort she put forth to hold my hand earlier during the movie.

Dang, why couldn.t i have been satisfied and accepting of a small baby step of forward progress?

One week later, she started getting real emotional and mad and told me that She Hated Me. I was beyond sad and hurt

The next morning was Sunday and i took our son with me to an early AA meeting before we went to Church.

She called and told me she didn't Hate me, but has deep feelings of anger and resentment.

Oh well. Enough PAST History for the time being.....

Except for, 2 weeks later, she agreed to go to Marriage Counseling together with me.

Ed

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[Am I Too Late]

So, getting back to NOW.

She is going to come over to our Home after she gets off of work to visit our son.

She texted me this morning to let me know when she will get here and that she should stay for 2 hours and 15 minutes.

She next texted that maybe she can hang up some Halloween decorations when she is over.

I plan on tidying up the house a bit and also get some actual work done for a job o have scheduled for tomorrow that needs material's ordered for.

I still don't know how nice or how detached i should be.

I try to be kind and loving and supportive.

Anything else?

Ed


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[Am I Too Late]

"The Saturday morning comment about things are going good for now and lets just take things slowly."

Then this doesn't mean anything. She likes not having you around unfortunately. Her "things are going good for now" comment is honestly how she feels because she doesn't have to face anything or take any blame.

Don't believe for a minute that it's because of you that she's finding all these OM. She actively seeks them out or is at least in the mindset of getting an OM. Swapping people when things start going wrong isn't truth and it isn't being honest with herself. Unfortunately she has to discover that for herself.

You don't have to be so nice to her you know.

I think her comment about things going good for now was that she finally has been back in touch visiting our son and that i didn't give her any hard time about it or lecture her about her being a bad mother.

She said several of her friends gave her chit about that.

I have internal anger and much frustration about this whole ordeal. It should not have happened. Why was i so frigging blind to any signs?

I only always wanted her to be a happily married mom and wife. I still Love her, at least who she was for the 1st 8 years, but even through all this past 3 3/4 years of chit, with as much care and concern and attraction that i felt when i decided to propose to her.

How can she feel that way for me again someday? And how could a mothet leave her only son? F'd Up!!!!!

I will keep on trying and learning the DB techniques and continue GAL too. It just [censored] the same amount every single day though.

What if the new guy is a decent person for her to date? So was i and i was and am a good husband and father.

Every place i go, i always have my son with me, which i am truly grateful for.

But she can go out all the time to have partying fun because she does not take on the every single day responsibilities of continuing to raise him, feed him, buy him clothes, get him to and pick him up from school and entertain him with a 9 year old lifestyle.

Just Venting my feelings


Ed

[Am I Too Late]

Well, i do not do well with rejection At All.

She is supposed to visit our son tonight and i still wanted to make dinner for her, but she does not want to give our son any confusion or false hopes.

I did not mention what i was planning, but i feel so lost and rejected and hurt syill, none the less.

I reread her texts multiple times just to be clear. This chit makes me obsessed.

At least i followed through and have materials ordered for a job to start tomorrow.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

MrBond.....

How do i , Not Be So Nice To Her, without it seeming like i am being cold and mean?

Ed

[MrBond]

Treat her like you would a "friend" and not a "husband". She hasn't earned the right to have you as a husband.

[Am I Too Late]

She came over and visited our boy. No Halloween decorations that she said were going to be hung were even asked about and she grabbed a few more personal things and left 1/2 hour sooner than she said she would visit for, because her sister needed someone to babysit her 2 kids.

The brother who lives in the same apartment building said no, because he had something else to do, but i guess my wife didn't figure being with her own son was as important as watching her sisters kids.

Yes, i am disappointed in her decision.

She was pretty cold, body language and talking wise, that instead of sitting on the same couch, even if she would have sat on the other end, she chose a folding chair on the far side of the living room.

I did not make any dinner. She said texted earlier in the afternoon that it might confuse our son and give him a false sign of hope.

I guess i was a worse husband to her than i ever realized. Even now, i still know in my heart that i tried to show her how much i cared for her each day, even on the days i felt disturbed by something she did.

Geez.!!!!!

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

I feel so burned out after the quasi-mixed message from Saturday morning, as i have gotten mixed interpretations as to what she meant about ,

.......... Things Are Going Good For Now And We Should Take Things Slowly..........

And then today's distance and initial coldness during Her visit at our home with our son.

Do i have any chance at all?

I know it may seem like i have only been on here for a relatively short time, but today it is exactly 3 years since i discovered her love letters to her 1st affair partner. She has not shown any demonstrable remorse and lied continuously with no regret showing.

Maybe, i should face the reality that seems to becoming more true to me, that the moral and compassionate wife who had boundaries for our 1st 8 years together no longer exists.

I need knowledgeable advice and support.


Yes, i am still going to focus on work and do better too. GAL must be my own personal priority not only for me, but my son as well.

I will continue reading DR but for now i am still way to emotionally invested and need to detach or more. Be colder, nut not mean.

Ed