Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

You're right Denver. I am a complete mess. Just got frustrated and a little panicked and scared. I feel like we're making real progress... then I feel like we're not. I'm all prepared to give him his space and I guess I'm not really doing that. What happens is, we start talking about something logistical, like this party on Saturday that we were supposed to go to, and it turns into an R discussion.

You say be loving as much as he will let you - so I was trying to accomplish that by snuggling with him in bed because physical touch is his LL. When he said he didn't like that I kind of snapped because I felt helpless then. How do I show him love now?

And when I was trying to be kind to him and sensitive to his needs about this party on Saturday night, he saw it as manipulative, because of the way I said it. We actually did have a good conversation about that that ended up being constructive even though that wasn't his intent. We have such major communication issues.

I'm not good at letting things drop if I don't feel they are finished. We talked a lot tonight, and actually ended up addressing a recent episode where he was name calling and taking me down. I told him that when he calls me names like that it really eats away at me.

After we finally finished this conversation, I washed the dishes and got ready for bed and was still so sad. I asked him if I could touch him because it makes me feel connected again after a fight (even though this was more of an emotional discussion). I thought he was going to say no but he said yes and we ended up ML at his initiation. He has not initiated for a while, but I think the 20 minute snuggle this morning got him going, plus it's been over 2 weeks. Nevertheless, I was surprised by that, especially after he said, "Don't come into my bed." I guess it all has to be on his terms. It felt a little like make up sex to me. Maybe he doesn't like feeling so disconnected either.

One other thing he said during this conversation was, "I'm still your H, until I'm not anymore, and until then you need to honor that." I think maybe he was referring to something that happened in the past but it was so out of left field. Not 15 minutes earlier he said it might be good if I dated other people.

Anyway, yes, I will give him all the time he needs and try to avoid the R conversations...