An Exercise For Forgiveness

[sage]

Hey Ms. Pam! Thanks for coming by with all that sunshine!

Positives:
1. I had a group project/presentation in one of my classes last week and we got out grade last night. 100%!!!! Very exciting! The class is tough (strategic coporate investment) but with h's "can-do" attitude as motivation I'm very much on top of the work.

2. h has the first draft of a big paper due today. he's been working like mad and last night let me read the completed copy. THEN, this AM I went to the gym (5:15, yawn!) and when I got back at 6am he was up and cooking breakfast because he had had a BIG idea for an edit and wanted to get to it! WOW. Who IS this dynamo???

3. Had a bunch of great phone convos yesterday. Also, h sent me a really loving email last night while I was at school!

Sage

[mooka]

Sage...you and your M are on such a roll...it's really exciting and offers to much hope to me. I'm in such a different place NOW...but one day I hope to get on your roll! Thanks for keeping on posted, it is soooooo helpful!

Mooka

[psluke]

Good Morning Sage,

I love reading how you and h are working your new R out.

It sounds sooooo wonderful!!!

Have a great day today.

[sage]

Hey Mooka and Pam! thanks for the positive reinforcement on my positives!

Just got back from breakfast with h (positive! his idea!)..I love starting the day hanging out with him...it's 30 minutes of dedicated "us" time...cool.

Yesterday was a whirlwind day...I'm a bit behind at both work and school (UGH!) so I'm freaking out a bit...my own fault! BUT, had some great phone calls and emails from h (+) and he went out to lunch with me, too! (+)

Last night I went out with my brother (14). He's so smart and cute and funny...unfortunately his in the throes of "why don't the girls like me" and it breaks my heart! I'm reminded of how painful all that time was...and how my mom's not so helpful reaction was "none of this will matter in 10 years" which, while ultimately true, did nothing to ease the pain! Anyway...we had a GREAT time and then h met us for a movie! My brother totally idolizes h...he's more than a little in awe of him.

I thought my Cainercast was particularly pertinent today...I've been struggling with forgiveness stuff of late ... not just h but with a bunch of folks...

Pots love to call kettles black. Cheats love to question other people's integrity. Liars accuse their companions of twisting the truth. Bullies are usually victims, and often, in a somewhat less obvious way, in some other area of life, the reverse applies. All I am trying to say here, is that lines of distinction are not always as clear-cut as we might wish them to be. What lesson might a current problem be somehow trying to oblige you to learn? Saturn, in making you conscious of an injustice, is really trying to reflect your own tendency to be too harsh at times.

I think the "forgiveness exercise" clearly tackles this concept, too...might be time soon for me to pull out the pen and take note of how I judge others for behaviors that I have done myself...

Here's to a happy, non-beating-myself-up day!!!

Sage

[sage]

Some quick positives:

1. h invited me to breakfast yesterday. I love this for so many reasons...HE asked ME, it's a ritual, it's a great way for me to start my day, all good things.

2. h was talking last night about all the stuff he wants to do this weekend...it sounded like a recipe for fun...hiking, dinner, movie, etc.

3. I FINALLY spoke up in my class last night...class participation is a BIG part of the grade and even though I've been prepared for each class I just couldn't pull the trigger. Said a couple of things last night so I feel like the ice is broken.

Sage

[psluke]

Hello Sage,

Great positives!!! I just don't think your R can get any better, now to just continue at the level you two have made it too!

[psluke]

Good Morning Sage,

I just made the am on this post!!

I wanted to send you wishes for a good day and a great weekend with H.

[minnie1]

Good morning Sage,

Just joining Pam in wishing you a wonderful weekend with your H!

Minnie

[sage]

Gosh I'm glad it's Friday! It's actually been a good week at work but I'm still yearning for the weekend. Tomorrow I'm taking the first of a two part cooking class with my dad at a local adult education center -- Indian cooking! should be fun and a kind of cool way to spend more time with dad! Got a bunch of homework to do, too, blech and some plans (drinks and dinner, movie, hike) with h.

Positives:
1. had a good night last night. h had study group so I got to fly solo for a bit...went to the library, went to the grocery store to pick up some food I thought he might like, did some errands at home. I picked up h at the train station and we were both so happy to see each other He really IS the master of positive reinforcement!

2. when the alarm went off this AM, h asked me for a big hug. I wish I had been more alert to take advantage of it! this is actually a big deal to me because for a while he was giving me a "wake up hug" every day...those have gradually stopped . I usually get up earlier than he does so I haven't been initiating them myself out of respect for his need for sleep, whatever.

3. h talked a whole bunch about school, his classes, his plans, etc last night. He said a couple of times "am I babbling" which just cracks me up! a) you're not babbling and b) I love listening to you talk!!!

**************
I'm feeling refreshed and refocused after noticing yesterday that I've been a bit peevy over the last few weeks...it's a gradual mental shift (downward) that takes me a while to notice...the symptoms are that I start feeling really disconnected from h, I start ASSuming that he's uncomfortable or disconnected from me, etc. I'm sure that sounds strange given ALL the good stuff that goes on for us...but it's an internal thing...I start focusing on "is this real", "is this going to go away" etc and start freaking myself out. It REALLY translates into our interactions even though nothing changes outwardly.

Anyway...I finally really noticed what I was doing yesterday...reacting in FEAR -- focusing on the PAST and projecting it into the FUTURE while failing to note the PRESENT. Doing that is the thing that leaves me afraid and angry and yearning for safety and wanting to protect myself at all costs...it's the thing that makes me pull away just a bit...that makes me scrutinize h's actions...that makes me feel sad and insecure.

So...like I said...I was REALLY able to see what I was doing and put it to a stop, I think...I'm very happy about that.

When I can throw myself into loving h unconditionally and without dwelling on past and future, I do much, much better.

I have noticed a couple of things that I think I need to work on..

1. when I do find myself getting stuck...I start feeling angry and resentful of h for his "you're never going to get over this, I think we should divorce" stance...OK...maybe it hasn't been THAT black and white but definitely the last time I was really having a hard time (new years) he did say something along those lines. When I can remember that that's his response to the PAIN of what happened and its aftermath, I do ok...but when I forget that, and start focusing on the "I want credit for how I've done this; I want you to say 'YOU held us together when I didn't want to" -- well, then I get stuck.

I think Soupman would call those "self-cherishing" thoughts...and I'd agree!

Anyway...I hope that ONE day h can say "I'm really grateful for how you helped us get through this" instead of "you're never going to get over this". Patience.

2. I've also found myself stuck in a cycle on non-forgiveness of late...not just towards h....In general, I sometimes find myself dwelling on what happened...it will be some detail that brings it up .. and I start feeling mad and unforgiving...so THEN I try to turn my attention towards how much pain h must have been in, how he said "I thought our m. was over" due to my anger and all that...and I start feeling as though I can't forgive myself

Again...I'm NOT saying that I'm responsible for h's a...I'm not...but I did create so much pain in our m....

I think I need "an exercise for forgiveness"!

Sage

[Zoo]

Hi Sage {{{{{ }}}}}

I'm feeling refreshed and refocused after noticing yesterday that I've been a bit peevy over the last few weeks...it's a gradual mental shift (downward) that takes me a while to notice...the symptoms are that I start feeling really disconnected from h, I start ASSuming that he's uncomfortable or disconnected from me, etc. I'm sure that sounds strange given ALL the good stuff that goes on for us...but it's an internal thing...I start focusing on "is this real", "is this going to go away" etc and start freaking myself out. It REALLY translates into our interactions even though nothing changes outwardly.

I can definitely empathize with this I find myself in a similar state lately...only I don't FEEL like doing anything about it. That is very petty of me and while on one level I find it pretty disturbing ,on another level it is pretty much "I don't care".

Logic says that this is another one of those "stages". I for one find this one pretty scary considering how well I know myself. I can lock into distance mode and not even attempt to get out of it

Hugz,
Zoo